"Have you told Bree?" Garrett asked.
Only silence answered him back.
In my mind's eye, I could see Max shaking his head and getting that look on his face, the one where his nose wrinkles and a little dent forms in the center of his forehead.
"Goddamnit, Max. You've got to stop keeping things from her, or it's going to fuck everything up."
"Don't you think I know that!" Although the tambour in his voice said his was shouting, his words were still barely above a whisper. "You didn't see her after the attack, when the fear started to set in."
"The hell I didn't! I was there, too, remember? Karen and I both were. We saw it. Granted, it's worse than we thought, but we saw it."
"She flinches when I touch her, Garrett. Not every time, thank god, but she flinches. Being with me has done that to her."
"But you didn't do that to her."
"Didn't I? I may not have attacked her, but my fucked-up past did."
They were both silent a long moment. I took a tentative step forward, waiting—for what, though, I wasn't sure. Part of me couldn't argue with his logic. If it weren't for him, Théo wouldn't have attacked me. That was fact. The other part of me, though, wanted to run straight to him, slap him, and tell him to stop blaming himself. I sure as fuck didn't blame him.
In the end, I didn't have to. Garrett had my back.
"Stop letting your past own you," he said. "Tell Bree what happened with you and your father."
"I can't."
"Bullshit. You can. You just won't because you're too scared."
"Damn right, I'm scared. I can't lose her, Garrett." The fear in Max's voice tugged at my heart and drew me an inch closer.
"Then stop lying to her," Garrett continued.
"I'm not lying to her."
"You're not telling her the full truth, and from where I'm sitting, that's the same damn thing."
"I'm just trying to protect her."
"From you? Or from Théo?"
"Both," Max answered after a long hesitation.
I placed a hand to my heart, right where it was breaking. I didn't need protection from Max. Knowing he thought I might, though, slayed me.
"She doesn't need protection from you," Garrett said. "She needs total honesty. It's what she wants most from you."
"How do you know what my fiancée wants?"
I touched the ring on my right hand. Max wanted to marry me. He could have anyone, but he wanted me. The realization floored me every day. I'd just never heard him refer to me as his fiancée. I liked it.
"Karen and I have no secrets," Garrett answered simply.
Of course, Karen would have told Garrett what I'd told her. They had the kind of open honesty I hoped Max and I would have someday. Their relationship was so beautiful that I couldn't be upset with her for confiding in her husband.
"What makes our marriage work is complete openness. There's not a goddamn thing in the world I wouldn't tell her, wouldn't sacrifice for her. I love her more than anything, which's why I had to tell her what we'd done. She wanted to know all of me—the fucked up and the not fucked up—and she gave me all of her in return. That's what Bree wants from you."
"But my past—"
"Is fucked up. I get that. Hell, I know that because I lived most of it with you. The fucked up in your past mostly intersects with the fucked up in mine."
But you have to promise you'll keep our secret safe because, if you don't, it could destroy us.
"What if it's too much for her? What if she—" Max's voice broke. "What if she walks away?"
"That's her choice, and you'll have to accept it. It sucks, but it's reality. But for what it's worth, she's not going to walk, Max. She loves you. Karen didn't walk, did she? It was close, I'll give you that, but once the dust settled, confessing my sins to her only made us stronger."
"I can't lose her, Garrett."
"Then tell her. All of it. Every single bloody detail. Bare your fucking soul to that woman. Put your trust in her. She loves you, Max. You know it. I know it. Hell, anyone who looks at the two of you for half a second knows it."
"I know she loves me. I don't doubt that. But what if…" There was another heart-wrenching silence. "What if she doesn't love me enough to stay?"
"Then, she's not worth the agony you're suffering." Another pause. "I absolutely love Bree. It's not the same way I love Karen, and it's not the same way you love her. Hell, it's not even the same way I love you, but it's still love. And I trust her enough to share our secret with her."
Only silence and the never-ending rush and retreat of the ocean waves answered Garrett.
I crept right up to the cracked door, but I couldn't see either man. The line of sight wasn't right. I'd have to pass the threshold if I wanted to see the man I loved, but I was too scared. Fear of Théo and, now, fear of Max's past.
I'd wanted to know the pains my lover kept locked away. I wanted to share those pains so he wouldn't have to hold them alone. I wanted to be his rock, like he'd been mine, but uncertainty and terror were potent emotions. They messed with the mind and antagonized the senses. The sheer fear in Max's voice as he'd spoken of losing me, like a virus, had infected me, added to everything I'd carried with me since my attack.
What could be so terrible that he'd think I'd walk away from him?
What would be so terrible that I would walk away from him?
What have you done, Max?
I couldn't think about this now. My mind was a chemical battlefield, and the jet lag wasn't making things easier. I needed sleep. I needed time to process. I needed mental solitude.
I retreated back to the bedroom and crawled into the sprawling bed where Karen still lay sleeping. She was on her belly, her head facing the large bank of windows along the back wall that would, if only there were enough light outside, reveal the ocean.
I copied her position. Usually, I faced the other side of the bed—Max's side—but I couldn't face him tonight. I didn't want to see him when he came back. Not yet. Not until I could settle the storm inside me.
Chapter 5
He's here.
Lurking in the darkness.
Théo Roux.
Always stalking.
But tonight, Max is here, too.
Théo's chasing me. Max, too. My lover wants to give me something, but I don't want it. I run faster than I've ever run before. I'm panting when I reach a shoreline, movement behind me. They're still giving chase. I need to keep moving.
I spot a rowboat sitting in the sand. After pushing it into the water, I row out into the depths of the sea. I'm desperate to get away. Not from Max. Not really. I love Max, but I don't want what he's trying to give me. It terrifies me almost as much as Théo.
Théo's here somewhere, too. They're both coming after me, so I row and row and row and row until I can't anymore. My arms, weak with exhaustion, are trembling so badly that I can barely hold the oars. Only, now, surrounded on all sides by nothing but water, do I allow myself to collapse onto the floor of the boat.