I shook my cup as if there was ice in it. Sophie worried her ring some more. “How long will you be in town?” she asked.
“Not long.”
She met my eyes then. “Emmadean will be disappointed. She thinks you’re staying for a while.”
“I have a life in DC. A career. Friends and—”
Mary marched into the barn. “There you are. Everyone’s asking.”
I held out the whiskey. Mary took the bottle and drank a swig. She coughed and handed it back. “Behind the sawhorse?”
“Yeah. You knew?”
Mary rolled her eyes. “He let us steal it. There was always a fresh bottle, wasn’t there?”
Sophie and I glanced at each other. “Yes,” we said.
“If he cared, he would have tanned our hide. You don’t have to hide in the barn to drink anymore. No one cares.”
“Maybe I wanted to be alone.”
“God, you’re a shit.”
“How do you figure?”
“You’re here for what? Two days, after nearly twenty years, and you can’t handle talking to a bunch of old people for a couple of hours? I’ve been doing—”
“Don’t blame me, blame Ray. He didn’t want me here, did he? He’s dead now, so you’re free. You’ll have to find something else to complain about, but I’m sure you’re up to the task.”
My sister’s eyes narrowed. Mary stood between Sophie and me, looking back and forth. “Did I interrupt a big emotional makeup scene?”
“No,” I said.
“Yes,” Sophie said.
“Do you want to be left alone?”
“No.”
“Yes.”
“Goodness. You two used to be so in sync. You finished each other’s sentences, if I remember correctly.”
“Stop being a nosy bitch and leave us alone, would you?” Sophie said.
Mary’s mouth pursed, and her cheeks went red. “I heard you’re a mean drunk, Sophie, but never believed it.”
“I’m not drunk; I just don’t like you.”
“Feeling’s mutual. Ranger Rick is here, said he found something cleaning out Pop’s desk. Charlie’s here to read Pop’s will. Let’s get this over with. Jeremy and I need to leave in an hour.”
Sophie waited until Mary was out of earshot before speaking. She took a deep breath and said, “I need to tell you something.”
“No.” The reply was automatic, and I realized I didn’t want her to ask for my forgiveness, nor did I want to give it.
“No?”
“There’s nothing you can say to change what happened, and I’m not in the mood to be burdened by your guilt. If you even feel guilty.”
“Of course I do.”
“I’m over it, Sophie. I moved on years ago. I’m here to bury Ray and go home.”
Sophie stepped forward, towering over me by a good five inches, two of those from the wedge heels she wore. Her nerves had evaporated, and her brown eyes met mine, bright and challenging. I saw a glimmer of the girl I once knew, the girl who could see through me and into my soul.
“Bullshit,” she whispered. “Why did you come back?”
“Maybe I wanted to see how your choice worked out for you.”
She scoffed. “My choice.”
“Wasn’t it?”
She inhaled and crossed her arms over her chest. “You came back to gloat, didn’t you?”
I mimicked her stance. “Maybe.”
She pursed her lips and nodded as her eyes searched my face. Did she see the girl she once knew or an entirely different person? I held her gaze as the silence lengthened, and the tension between us was palpable until finally, I wasn’t seeing her at all, but our history: becoming best friends the summer before fifth grade when Coach Cress had given me a tennis scholarship at the country club; riding our bikes all around town, always ending up at the bakery sharing a piece of buttermilk pie; making grunge mix tapes at Sophie’s; clinging to each other and crying when we learned that Kurt Cobain killed himself; going through a very regrettable matching flannel shirt stage to honor his memory; celebrating when Sophie made the cheer team; celebrating when I made the basketball, tennis and track teams; Sophie showing up to cold early-morning track meets with a thermos of hot chocolate for me (and even bringing a can of Reddi Wip); reading our required English lit books to Sophie, my head in her lap, Sophie playing with my hair until it was greasy and needed a wash; our senior year.
Feelings I thought I’d long since buried flared in the pit of my stomach as I remembered the best year of my life. I hadn’t been sure of my place in the world—what teenager was?—but I was sure of my place in my best friend’s life. Until the day it all fell apart.
Sophie remembered that day, too. She blushed and opened her mouth to speak, but nothing came. My throat thickened with emotion—hope—and kept me from saying what I’d longed to say since that June day in 1995. Sophie found her voice first.
“Congratulations. You won.”
She walked out of the barn, letting me down again.
four
nora
I decided ice was overrated and finished off the whiskey before I returned to the house.
I stopped inside the kitchen door at the sight of Sophie and Charlie standing close together, talking low. Sophie’s arms were crossed over her chest, and she was staring at the floor, her eyes red. Charlie held a briefcase in one hand and had an exasperated expression on his face. They broke apart when they saw me. Sophie turned away, wiping her cheeks. I clenched my jaw, went into the laundry room and shut the door. I reached out with one hand to steady myself against the refrigerator and inhaled a few times. I had barely eaten, and the whiskey was doing its job nicely. But, not well enough. I reached into the green cooler, popped a beer and drank half of it. I stared at the Shiner label and came to terms with the knowledge that coming home wasn’t going to give me the closure I sought. Every emotion, good and bad, had been dredged back up. I would listen to Ranger Rick, and to the will, and leave as soon as possible. Tomorrow. The next day at the latest.
There was a knock. “Nora?” Charlie said.
I opened the door. Before Charlie could say anything, I skirted around him. Sophie stood in front of the kitchen sink, her back to me, staring out the window. I set my half-empty beer on the table with a thunk and went into the den. Rick Michaels sat forward in the recliner, talking to Emmadean and Mary on the couch. Dormer and Jeremy stood off to the side. I heard the children in the distance, with an older girl’s voice I recognized at once as Sophie’s daughter. Charlie came in and edged over by Dormer.