One of them wasn’t an usher. It was Andy.
He waved at her.
Her mouth fell open. She looked around to see if anyone had noticed a demon in a red suit and bow tie.
No one else acted as if anything were amiss.
Andy walked to the front of the church. He pointed at Mark, and then gave Erin a double thumbs-up signal.
She shook her head vigorously, not knowing what he was up to but that it was almost certainly a very bad idea.
The audience stood to sing the hymn. The camera panned over the front rows, but Andy was invisible to the camera. Erin looked from the big screen to the scene unfolding in real life as Andy briefly ducked out of her view.
And then Mark’s pants fell off.
The congregation gasped.
Erin could see Mark’s novelty “Check Your Fly” fishing boxers clearly on the big screen before a red-faced Mark pulled up his trousers. The camera quickly pivoted away.
A smattering of giggles broke out across the room, quickly muffled but unmistakable.
Erin’s mother pressed one hand to her chest and used her other hand to fan herself with a folded church program.
Andy walked nonchalantly up the aisle and leaned over the side of Erin’s pew to whisper in her ear. “Caught with his pants down, am I right?” He had the nerve to grin at her before sauntering out of the church.
Erin didn’t know whether to laugh, cry, or sprint after the retreating demon and strangle him with her bare hands.
Could you strangle a demon?
There was nothing else to do but silently fume her way through the remainder of the service, until it finally wrapped up with a rousing—and unfortunately ironic—version of the old hymn “It Is Well.”
The moment the congregation rose from the pews, Erin tore down the aisle in pursuit of Andy, with her mother’s cries at her abrupt departure echoing behind her. She crossed the parking lot at a near run and found Andy sitting inside her car with the music turned up so loud she could hear it outside the vehicle.
She tugged at the driver’s side door handle, realized the door was locked, and yanked her purse off her shoulder to rummage in the bottom for the keys. Only then did she realize that the car was already running.
Andy leaned across and popped the lock from the inside.
She slid into the driver’s seat, slammed the door, and mashed the button to turn off the car stereo. “Just what did you think you were doing? And how did you get my keys?”
“You left them in the car. In addition to being a Great Earl of Hell with authority over wickedness and revenge, I am also the Finder of Lost Things. You’re welcome,” he said.
“‘You’re welcome’? Are you kidding me?”
Andy turned to face her with an impish expression. “You realize you look like you’re shouting at no one?”
Erin growled and threw the car into reverse. “Why don’t you just fly home, demon?”
“Because this is much more fun,” he said.
“Not for me,” Erin spat.
“You didn’t like it?” His eyes widened innocently.
“That’s not the point!”
“You did like it,” he said, clasping his hands together with deep satisfaction. “I knew you would.”
“I thought you were staying home to stretch your wings.”
“I was. I did! But then I came up with this great idea, so—”
“So you barged in without asking me.”
His cheery demeanor faltered. “I thought you’d be happy.”
She slammed the steering wheel with one hand as she peeled out of the parking lot. “You don’t think you were overstepping just a bit? Do you even know what happened to me before you showed up?”
“No,” said Andy in a small voice.
Erin laughed. “You’re a supernatural being. How do you not know?”
He sank down further in the passenger’s seat. “That’s not how it works.”
“Oh, yeah, Mr. Demon? Then maybe you should explain how it works. Better yet, maybe you should be quiet and listen for a bit.”
“Okay,” said a very contrite Great Earl of Hell.
4
Erin pulled into the deserted parking lot of a fast food chain that was closed on Sundays.
“I can’t talk about this and drive at the same time,” said Erin.
“You want me to drive?” said Andy.
“Do you know how to drive?”
“No.”
They sat in silence.
Andy peered up at the billboard overhead.
Erin propped her arm against the door and leaned her head on her hand. She closed her eyes. “Go ahead, then. Explain to me how this whole demon thing works.”
“I was just going to sit quietly and listen,” said Andy.
“No, go ahead. I want to hear this first.”
Andy inhaled a deep breath and blew it out slowly. “What do you want to know?”
“Surprise me.”
“I’m sorry I upset you.”
Erin waved the apology away. “It’s fine. You meant well. Which is kind of surprising, considering you’re a demon and all.”
“I was just trying to do my job.”
“Your job.” Erin looked at him skeptically.
“I don’t get work often,” he said.
“What are you, some sort of freelance demon? How are you not busy all the time?”
“Demons have always been obsolete, Erin. Humans don’t need demons for inspiration. They never did. You manage to do horrible things all on your own. I’ve spent ages just—I don’t know—mucking about. Waiting for the call.”
“And I called.”
“And you called. So here I am. Trying to do a bad day’s work in a world that doesn’t need me anymore.”
“If you don’t have anything to do anymore, couldn’t you”—Erin paused, searching for the most delicate way to phrase it—“go back?”
Andy snorted. “It doesn’t work that way.”
“Why not?”
“Well, first of all, from what I’ve heard about Hell, it doesn’t sound like a great place to be. Secondly, I’ve never been there and wouldn’t even know how to get there.”