I felt further away from a good answer every time I watched another classmate walk to the front of the room. I felt so far away from everything. For the second time that day, I imagined the giant pink eraser taking me away. I had to snap out of it because soon I was the only one left who hadn’t turned in the assignment. Everyone was looking so bored waiting for me to figure it out, and the clock ticking in the corner was not helping. Some kids even started talking to each other like they had forgotten about me. Couldn’t they see that I was still working? That I’m still here even when I don’t want to be? I have never felt my face get so warm and pink from embarrassment. I’m surprised I didn’t ball up my piece of paper completely.
For some reason, I got scared by the love list. So instead of writing down ten things like I was supposed to, I last-minute decided to draw a picture of Saturn. I read that Saturn always has a storm on it, but somehow all the rings of rocks hold it together. Maybe it’s stupid, but I hope Mr. B understands.
After I finished shading in the planet, I walked in front of the whole class to finally turn in my lists. At that point, the bell had already rung. Courtney blew a bubble with her Spice Girls gum because she was so bored. I didn’t even think gum was allowed at school. I crossed my arms and went back to my desk, my least confident walk yet. My page was half-empty, but I still feel like I shared too much of myself. I hope I didn’t share too much of myself with you either. I’m sorry.
I don’t really have anything else to say, so I drew you the whole entire solar system above. If you want, you can tell me about the things that you love or remember.
Sincerely,
Ellie Beck
Monday, October 13, 1997
Hi.
I hope you like this balloon. In case you happened to find and read any of my recent balloon letters, you can just ignore them. I’m fine now. Today was very nice for the most part.
Dylan Beaman offered me another potato chip at lunch. It was extra yellow and extra salty, and it made me so happy. After that, Sofie and I skipped confident walk practice to talk about cool Halloween costumes that nobody will recognize us in. We’ll see how that goes if I only have pipe cleaners and tinfoil to make something good, but we’ve got good imaginations.
In other news, I actually heard a rumor at school that my old friend Mary said that Gina said that Courtney said that she is cousins with that singer Leanne Rimes. Maybe Courtney has a good imagination too, but I can’t wait to be the one to say “I told you so” when everybody realizes her story isn’t true.
Also, when I got home from school, there was a special about Princess Diana on TV. People got into her face with cameras, just like what happened in the last episode of Boy Meets World. It’s too bad Princess Diana actually died, though. I think my mom even cried about it. I wonder what it’s like to have so many people cry about you. I wonder what it’s like to have the whole world want to see you and take your picture. Just between you and me, I actually got my Picture Day pictures back. I think I get what my mom meant by “ragamuffin.” My hair was all wrong and my face is weird, and I know for a fact that my family won’t be happy to see me in my flannel. All this to say that it’s best that nobody else knows about those photos for now.
Sincerely,
Me
Wednesday, October 15, 1997
Hi,
I’m skipping chocolate milk this week to write a second letter with my allowance money. Mom is mad and tired about something right now. I hope it has nothing to do with me. Dad keeps shouting “I’m doing my best” and “You should try being me.” He yells a lot when they’re alone together downstairs and he is so quiet when he is alone with me upstairs. I’ve even said a prayer asking for all of it to stop. I keep wanting things to just be fine. It hasn’t worked yet.
I wish my biggest problem was still getting to play Uncle Jesse in a game of Full House with my old friends. But it’s not. I’m so tired and I’m so hungry right now, but I really don’t want to go downstairs to look for food. As Uncle Jesse would say, “Lord, have mercy.” I know God doesn’t work this way, but I also said a prayer for a cheese pizza to somehow appear in my room.
I have another prayer too. If that’s not too expensive, maybe you or somebody out there could write something nice about me for The Daily Mining Gazette Sweetest Day announcements? It’s only three days away, and I promise that I will read it and I will be grateful. If you do it, I will even find a way to pay you back. I promise.
I don’t know, I’m sorry. Some good news is that it snowed two inches over the raked leaves yesterday. It gives me something nice to look at outside my window. Also, Halloween with Sofie and her dad is only fifteen days away.
Hope you’re okay. I’m doing my best.
Sincerely,
Ellie Beck
PS, Sorry, I’m still awake because downstairs is still so noisy. I’m just wondering, have you ever seen the Jerry Springer Show? Well, I’m just wondering why does everyone say Jerry’s name over and over again when people are fighting on the show? Do you think he got to pick his own name? Do you think he gets tired of hearing people yell all the time? I’m not so sure. I guess I can see how it’s my dad’s second-favorite show. A lot of people on that show have probably hit their walls too.
Anyways, I should go now. Good night.
Ellie
Sunday, October 19, 1997
Dear Friend,
Dad actually threw away his Daily Mining Gazette before I had a chance to read any Sweetest Day announcements, so I’m really sorry if you or anybody else tried to do something nice for me. Maybe that’s what I get for asking. Anyways, I went to church today with Mom and Dad. That probably counts for something.
Dad saw his old work friend, who was wearing nice pants and a belt, at the service. That man has a new job at that mining museum my old Girl Scouts troop went to once. Dad sure had a lot to say about that in the car ride home. He even called his friend a traitor and some other words I’m not going to say right now. Anyways, it was good timing because the priest made a speech today about the difference between “hot-blooded” and “cold-blooded” people. One means good and one means bad, but I can’t remember which one is which. Now that I think about it, it’s weird because everyone has blood inside of them.
We go to church every Sunday because Mom and Dad want people to see them there holding hands, but it’s actually an easy place to hide. Today I asked Mom if I could go to the bathroom. I didn’t really have to go. I mostly just wanted to do my own thing. I don’t think God minds that much because I’m at least looking at the nice art in the hallway.
I took my time walking four laps around the building. After that, I actually did have to pee. Don’t tell anyone, but I think I figured out how to pee standing up. Surprisingly enough, wearing a skirt made it much easier. I wish I had known that a few years ago when I first started practicing. All I had to do was just bend my knees a little bit. It was cool. It was the best part of the day actually. I will probably try again soon, probably the next time Mom makes me wear a dress.