Jasmine would scoot back in her chair, twiddling her chopsticks idly in her hand, and Janet sitting next to her would laugh and insist that Jasmine was talented too and she was lucky that they were friends.
Being friends with Janet was like being friends with the sun. Wherever they were, people would always be drawn to her, her warmth, her smile, her ideas.
And Janet always had ideas: let’s go hiking, let’s go see that detective noir marathon, let’s go eat too much food at all-you-can-eat Korean barbeque, let’s go to the zoo, let’s go, let’s go, let’s go. She would plan these elaborate adventures, coordinate with people for carpools and pickups and everyone would have a good time. Jasmine didn’t quite understand how she did it, how she got along with everyone, how she knew what different people needed to enjoy themselves, how everyone—everyone wanted some of that sunshine.
Being her girlfriend was no different—Janet could sweep excitement into any ordinary day with her wild ideas, and Jasmine would always go along, always say yes. That’s how it was between them. Looking back, Jasmine can’t even remember properly if it was ever a question to begin with.
They were both sixteen, studying at Janet’s house on afternoon when Janet sighed, put down her book, and looked up at her with a serious expression.
“You okay?” Jasmine asked. They had only been studying for twenty minutes; it was out of character for Janet to tire of homework that fast. Then again, she’d been distracted all day by something, staring at Jasmine occasionally with an intense focus, like she was trying to figure out something.
Janet blurted out like it was nothing, “Do you like me?”
Jasmine’s mind raced with a whirlwind of thoughts—all the times she thought about Janet, holding her hand, imagining what her lips would taste like, imagining the two of them getting married and what that would be like, if Jasmine could still be a wildlife photographer if she was First Lady. Years of thoughts and daydreams and hopes and dreams flitted through her mind in the split few seconds before Janet spoke again.
“Because I like you. I um, I like girls. And you, specifically.” Janet looked down shyly at her chemistry book, and twirled her hair in her fingers.
Jasmine always remembers this: how nervous Janet was, how she’d never played with her hair before, how she’d always been confident and knew exactly what she wanted and there’d never be any doubt that she’d get it.
It’s strange, thinking about that afternoon now; it was barely two years ago, but now it’s like a dream that happened to a different person, someone who just got swept up and carried away by a bright promise.
* * *
Jasmine’s first two classes fly by in a blur of teachers and conversations that she feels are somehow about her. It’s probably gone around the school twice by now, whatever Janet’s been saying.
She walks into yearbook with a relief. There’s a few “Hey, Jasmine’s”, Harry Wu gives her a nod, and Bonnie Owens waves at her. Jasmine smiles back at Bonnie and drops her backpack next to her, taking her seat.
Jasmine listens intently as Ms. Park gives a one-minute spiel about yearbook before handing it over to Bonnie, the editor-in-chief.
“This year, we’re going to meet our deadlines!” Bonnie starts. It’s pretty much a carbon copy of the speech Joey, their editor-in-chief last year, gave, and then a few months later they promptly derailed into missing deadlines and frantically trying to catch up, but it’s always nice to pretend in the beginning anyway.
Jasmine grins despite herself as Bonnie starts brainstorming on the board about how best to get the most features squared away so they can keep on schedule. Jasmine marks up her schedule, chatting with the other photographers about who can do what this week.
It’s a familiar rhythm, and Jasmine loves it. Yearbook is the one place people recognize her for her own talent, as a photographer, as an editor. Nobody here ever forgets her name or calls her Janet’s girlfriend.
“Hey, how was China?” Bonnie asks, plopping into the chair next to her, speech done.
“Oh,” Jasmine says, surprised and a little pleased Bonnie remembered this conversation. They’d never been super close—Jasmine was always spending time with Janet—but Bonnie’s always been nice. “It was really pretty.”
“Your family has like, a farm, right?”
“My great-aunt’s side, yeah,” Jasmine says. “I ate so many lychees, it was amazing.”
Jasmine had gone to China only once before, when she was ten. While it was great to see the sights, a good chunk of the time was spent visiting relatives she didn’t quite know how to talk to, sitting and holding her tea in silence while her parents laughed and talked and caught up. So when her great-aunt invited them again for the summer, Jasmine hadn’t planned on it.
But she needed a change, and this time was different. Instead of trying to cram visiting endless relatives and sightseeing in one week with her parents, Jasmine spent the entire summer trying to learn Chinese, spending time with her cousins and going for long walks in the countryside. It’d been perfect; she needed time away from this town, from Janet and her attempts to include Jasmine in all her summer plans out of pity.
Ugh.
It had been so humiliating, as if Janet was the one to want to break up—and somehow at the end of that conversation, it was like everything Jasmine had said had gone over her head, and Jasmine breaking up with Janet—became about Janet somehow. Like everything always ended up being. Even Jasmine’s one, final attempt to stand up for herself and do what she wanted for once, still ended up feeling like it’s what Janet wanted all along. It was as if she dumped herself for Janet, who just hadn’t gotten around to it.
“How was yours?” Jasmine asks Bonnie, racking her brain to try and remember that conversation before school ended. “Robots?” she ventures. It was some sort of science camp.
“Yes! It was brilliant. I took first place and I made a bunch of friends! Did you know how many different batteries are used in robotic combat?” Bonnie grins, waving her hands, taking the conversation forward.
It’s nice, charting out schedules with Bonnie and the yearbook crew. No one asks her about Janet.
* * *
Bonnie falls into step behind her as Jasmine heads toward the vocational buildings at the back of the school. “Do you have Nutrition and Household Planning too?”
“Woodshop,” Jasmine says, gripping the straps of her backpack even tighter. She signed up for it on a whim; it’d been right after the breakup, right before school ended, and she knew for sure that Janet was taking NHP. She doesn’t think she could handle it, a year of Janet being perfect and holding court with her friends as they baked cookies or whatever.