“What’s your schedule like? Want to meet in person today or tomorrow to update your profile?” I’m feeling the pressure of the gift card memo to work fast. But I also don’t want to push too hard and scare her off. “Of course, next week’s fine, too.”
Not really, though! It’s Cinnamon Toast Crunch Time and the clock started ticking the moment she rang.
“Couldn’t I link you to a profile that’s already up?” she asks.
“You could, but I’ve found people will open up in ways they don’t expect if we chat in person, and it helps me get a feel for your personality, your likes and dislikes, and what you’re looking for physically. Because that counts as much as the mental connection.”
“Truth.”
“We’ll sync laptops and find a handful of candidates to reach out to, then see where that leads us. What’s your favorite online service?”
“Last week it would’ve been Flirtville, but there are waaaaay too many STDs in that population,” she says.
Ah. Something DID happen to push her to activate the gift card. I have a sudden chilling thought of Clifford listening in on our call. I have no idea how but I don’t want her to say anything personal over the phone in case it ends up in front of a man who regularly closes out correspondence with, “Smell you later.”
“Whatta Catch and Game, Set, Match are good, but those tend to appeal to people who are looking for something more serious. Does that work?”
“YES. I definitely want to go the serious route. Can you meet at Dominik’s for lunch on Saturday?” Bree says.
I pull up a map on my laptop and shudder at what I see. Fifty-Fifth Street and Eighth Avenue. Two subway rides away.
“Normally that’d be fine, but my cat’s sick,” I say in a guilty rush. He’s so sick he’s wasting away, almost as though he doesn’t exist… . “So unfortunately, I need to stay close to home. I’m in the East Village. Have you heard of Cheese?”
“Is this a ‘Bree’ joke?”
“No, sorry, I meant—it’s a restaurant, called Cheese.”
“Do they serve anything besides cheese?”
“I don’t think so. If you don’t eat cheese we can totally find someplace else.” How do you feel about Duane Reade, the only other food-dispensing place on my street?
Miles catches my eye. “Say cheese,” he whispers as he passes by.
I roll my eyes. Plus, how did he hear me? I’ve been speaking very quietly so as not to get on anyone’s nerves. At least, I thought I was. Maybe all the talk of cheese got me excited. After all, I can expense the meal.
“Do they serve wine with the cheese?” Bree wants to know.
“I’m not sure.”
“I could bring my own bottle.”
“Okay, cool. Why not?”
Having a glass of wine is a great idea. Then she’ll really open up. Also, I can pretend I have a friend in the city and we’re meeting to have wine and cheese, which is a completely normal, well-adjusted, healthy thing to do, rather than, say, going to a cheese-themed restaurant solely because I live, work, and “play” on a single city block.
We settle on a time for Saturday and I give her the location.
“What do you look like?” she says.
“I have two-toned hair. Not because I’m cool, just out of neglect. It’s dark on top and turns light halfway down.”
“I have one-toned hair, blond, and I’ll be in my 1981 Undersea T-shirt. I got it at a yard sale last weekend. I almost felt bad paying five bucks! I wanted to be like, ‘This is probably worth five thousand, sooooo …’”
“Do you like the movie, or is it more about the vintage pop culture?” I’m truly curious. Fandom comes in many forms.
“Oh my God, I loooooooove Undersea—you have no idea. It’s something I never put in my profiles, because I don’t want to be labeled a fake geek girl or whatever, but I’m all about wearing costumes at the midnight showing, I can do ‘the hair’ and all that, and this time for my profile I’d like to be up front about it. Really be ME, you know? Because otherwise, what’s the point?”
I bite my tongue. I’ll be being her, at least at the beginning. But denying that fact is the number-one rule in the Freelancer’s Handbook:
Never remind them you’re communicating with their potential dates as a Cyrano. That line of thinking derails the client-ghostwriter relationship; they might start to wonder whether they’ll be able to bridge the gap between what you typed and what they do or say on the in-person date. It’s best to get in and get out as swiftly as possible and let the client take over once you’ve attracted the interest of a good match.
“You’ve seen it, right?” Bree says, reeling me back in to the topic at hand. “If you’re going to be talking like me, you have to be able to at least reference Undersea,” she adds.
I don’t answer right away. I’m too busy shaking my fist at the universe. Twenty-nine years I avoided that ridiculous film. For eight of them, it was at the request of the Duchess herself.
“You’re right,” I agree. “Can I borrow yours for a refresher course?”
I opt for a minimal bluff by implying it’s just been a while since I watched it. (If Sweet Nothings attracts a fetish contingent we’ve never heard of and Clifford needs to change the company name again, I’ll suggest Minimal Bluff.)
“Original or director’s cut? Special edition or—”
“Totally up to you. Whichever one you can most easily part with.”
We exchange cell numbers so she won’t have to call the switchboard each time she wants to chat. I tell her I’m looking forward to meeting her and seeing her vintage Undersea T-shirt tomorrow.
Somewhere in California, Mary raises a glass to me and laughs.
CHAPTER 5
To: All Tell It to My Heart Employees
From: Leanne Tseng
Re: Einsteins
Team,
Here’s what I know: You are all creative geniuses who are not necessarily getting the financial compensation you deserve due to circumstances beyond all of our control. Here’s what else I know: I think we can harness that creative IQ to try and change that.
Got an idea for a great promotion? An exceptional tie-in? A snappy (jingle-less) ad? I’d love to hear it. Off-the-wall and out-ofthe-box are welcome here but, at the same time, simplicity often wins the day too. An idea as mundane yet infuriatingly brilliant as—just off the top of my head—gift cards could really mean the difference between a struggling company and the premier one in the field. It’s no secret that I want us to be the latter and I hope it’s also no secret that I want to take you with me.
Oh, and besides the promises of future glories and promotions, any actionable ideas will also get a $500 bonus.
Yours,
Leanne
MILES
I haven’t been running much over the past six weeks. I haven’t exactly been feeling motivated to stay in shape, or get fresh air, or treat my body like a temple as much as a mausoleum for dead things, like feelings or a sense of self-worth. Every now and again, I’ve been doing a loop around Morningside Park, which is just a few blocks over from Dylan and Charles’s apartment, but that’s mostly been when Charles’s passive aggression has gotten the best of me rather than for any sort of health purpose.