Kerry let out a long breath and gave Val a hard look. With anyone else she probably could have argued Jesse’s case, but she knew she couldn’t bullshit Val. Might as well just get it out. Besides, she could hear the kids getting closer. “He told them he’d be able to make a go of it as long as he had some help,” Kerry said with as much conviction as she could muster.
Right then the class started to file in and take their seats. Kerry smiled as she pointedly ignored Val. She gave the kids directions to not start drawing until they were properly advised of today’s assignment—which was a waste, since three were already at it.
She was just about to admonish one but practically jumped out of her skin when Val suddenly appeared behind her with a hard tap on her shoulder, causing her to turn around and face her friend eye to eye.
“Help, huh?” Val arched her left brow high.
“Well, it seemed like a good idea at the time,” Kerry said, wanting to look anywhere except for into her friend’s shrewd eyes. She watched as those eyes narrowed.
“Just like I said, each one of them finer than they ought to be. You’d better watch out, Kerry Girl.”
Kerry rolled her eyes. How was “Kerry Girl” suddenly taking off as the catchphrase of the day when she was a good and grown-assed woman?
5
Jesse was once again left alone with nothing but the silence of the shop, and it terrified him. He took a swig from his beer and noted the taste was more bitter than smooth. Why did he even open his big mouth about keeping the shop going in the first place? He looked around, taking in the dream, the legacy that was everything Mama Joy. Floor-to-ceiling wood shelves overflowing with colorful yarn, sourced from where, he didn’t know, but he did know that it was from all over and it would now be his job trying to figure out the wheres, the hows and the whys.
Shit. Where would he even begin?
He looked up at the loft where the patterns were kept and hanks of wool were spun into balls and thought of all the times he’d run up there as a kid to hide out when he’d done something wrong. He laughed at the thought but coughed on it as it got stuck halfway. Not that his hiding ever worked. Mama Joy knew every nook and cranny of this old building. And there wasn’t a spot in it where he or his brothers could hide if she really wanted to find them. Sure, sometimes she’d humor them. Let them have their moments thinking they’d gotten away with something, but really it was only time enough for them to sweat and stew about what they’d done and possibly get hungry enough to smell whatever deliciousness she had conjured up for dinner. More times than not, they’d come out on their own and take their punishment, whatever that may be, knowing it was well deserved and somehow grateful that she cared enough to dish it out anyway. There were plenty of others who wouldn’t waste the time or, worse, would take the swift route with a hard smack or a quick kick.
Jesse pulled out his phone and stared. He thought of calling one of his brothers but quickly changed his mind. He wasn’t in the mood for more conversation with or confrontation from any of them at the moment. Better to quit while he was—Jesse paused, stuck on what to think. “Ahead” was not a word he’d use for what he was. Idling, maybe? At the starting gate. Damian had gone back to his place downtown and Noah to his in Brooklyn. Lucas was on call tonight at the firehouse so he’d be staying there. The silence in the shop, despite the cars roaring outside, the people, the music, still felt overwhelming.
He glanced at the loft again as a vision of a young Kerry came to his mind. So many times in the past he’d longed for this type of quiet. He guessed she did too. To be alone but not quite lonely. He’d often find her up there in the loft having beaten him to just the place he was going to go and hide out. She’d be quietly sitting in the corner, her back against the large wardrobe, knitting without a sound as if she had somehow sprouted there in that very spot. Like a girl-shaped bush with big round eyes behind her even bigger glasses and her multiple braids twisted in opposite directions.
She’d give him an annoyed look but never much more. Then she’d move over and quietly make space for him to sit and knit beside her, as if he was some puppy or a cat that didn’t need much by way of acknowledgment, only space to just be. Those were the good days, the peaceful days. The other days he’d bound up, still get that same look from Kerry and, though he knew she’d not say a word, he’d put his fingers to his lips and give a “shh” gesture as he’d hide out behind the cupboard until the shock of his report card had worn off and Mama Joy had turned her ranting down to a low roar.
Like their first meeting. He hadn’t expected her to be up there when he was running from his brothers, but there she was. He thought he was getting out of the way of a sure beatdown at the hands of Damian over messing with his stuff when, in the end, after tripping over Kerry and falling on top of her, he’d ended up getting the smackdown not from his brother but from her. Then, after, another from Mama Joy for causing such a ruckus. It was amazing Kerry ever let him near her after that. He had thought for sure with the way she’d whirled on him she either A) was scared of him or B) just flat-out hated him. But he guessed in the end he was someone she moderately tolerated. And by the way she always hung around the shop and was never really out like the other girls in the neighborhood, he suspected she also chose that place as her refuge from the outside world.
That’s what it had been like with Kerry all these years. She was there seeking refuge and, in some ways, being a source of refuge even if she didn’t know it. He guessed he should feel relief over the fact that with Mama Joy’s passing, Kerry wasn’t just abruptly leaving too. Honestly, until that morning and the real possibility of the shop closing, he hadn’t gotten his head around it. But if he was honest with himself, the thought of her leaving scared him. Scared him, but at the same time, brought on no small measure of guilt.
Was Damian right? Was he just using Kerry? Jesse shook his head and stalked off toward the back stairs. He couldn’t think like that. Kerry was no longer that little girl from the upstairs loft who he’d used for cover and safe passage. She’d made her decision freely without any coercion from him. Besides, judging by the way she had handled herself today, she was definitely no longer a young woman he could just shush and easily move along from.
No, she was grown. Well and fully grown. He could tell that by the way she felt and fit in his arms earlier that morning. A feeling that was too perfect and one he knew he could not act on. Still, it was altogether surprising and definitely not unwelcome.
But no, he couldn’t think about it. Shouldn’t think about Kerry in that way. Number one, they were close, way too close. Close in that way where Kerry could look at him and see straight to the heart of him as only a person with way too many years under her belt could. She knew his strengths, but worse, she knew his weaknesses. Which, of course, was a clear reason why she’d more than likely never consider him. But on top of that, there was reason number two. Kerry was a woman way too good for the likes of him. He knew it, and more than likely, she knew it. Why even waste the time, risk the potential heartache, when the outcome was inevitable? Jesse had already disappointed one—no, two women in his life. He wouldn’t screw up by getting entangled with Kerry and adding her to his list. She’d be one of those whom he wouldn’t be able to forget.