It all sounded so…true…and doable.
It didn’t take a lot of money to give it a try. All I needed was a journal. So, after work, I ventured to a part of town known for sidewalk vendors, looking for something I could afford. It would put a dent in my stash, but one day it would be worth it. I’d look back on that journal and have proof. I’d changed the course of destiny. I had earned an ocean to put out that fire consuming me.
I found two things that day: a purple journal and an aloe vera plant.
The plant had been sitting on top of the journal, real artsy looking, and the vendor sold me two for one. Five bucks for both. I named the plant Vera and the journal Journey. From that day forward, Vera Journey was born. When I needed a confidante, I talked to Vera. When I needed to feel not so broken, I wrote in Journey. Needless to say, Vera was doing pretty well with all of our chats, and Journey was almost full of notes.
Both of them were right beyond my reach. My hands tingled, like I hung on to the highest mountain and my fingers and palms were just too slippery. I was falling.
“Just my luck,” I mumbled.
The panic attack passed and suddenly I felt so tired. Like I could sit on that shitty floor and sleep for eons. I lifted my head, turned my eyes to the ceiling, and then closed them. Wishing. Hoping. Wanting something so different.
I needed. I needed a safe place to land for once in my life.
I didn’t even have the energy to open my eyes when the tip of a boot touched my leg. “I changed the locks,” Merv said. “You didn’t pay your rent. I’m not running a charity here.”
“Get lost, Merv,” I said. “I wasn’t that late.”
“Over a month, and not for the first time. I forgot about the late fees, didn’t I?”
“You ever heard of cutting someone some slack? It’s not like this is the royal palace. You let the rats live here rent-free. A huge-ass family lived with me the entire time. Bastards stole my food, when I had it, and then shit all over the place!”
He was quiet long enough that I forced my eyes open. He hadn’t left, I knew, because his cheap-ass cologne kept assaulting my nose. I never got a good feeling about him, so I usually kept my distance, and the feeling was as strong as ever. There was something about his eyes that reminded me of a diseased rat. I always assumed he was their leader.
I used my knees to push up the wall, keeping the straps of my bag clutched in my palms, sliding down a little bit, but he bulldozed over the space between us and came close to my face. “I could forget this month.” He shrugged. “If you’d do something for me.”
Before he even told me what that something was, I’d started shaking my head. I knew what that something was, and there was no way in fucking hell. This wasn’t the first time he’d insinuated sex for payment, but this time, something had changed. He felt more like a predator.
Get. Out. A voice screamed in my head. It came from my gut.
“Go fuck yourself, Merv,” I said, and I meant it literally. “I need two minutes to get my things and then I’m gone.”
He shook his head. “You owe me. You want your things? You have to do something for me first.”
“When hell freezes over,” I whispered, hoping the low tone of my voice would hide the hint of fear. “You’d have to kill me first.”
I might have jumped from house to house, place to place, throughout my life, but I hadn’t gotten to the point where my hunger and fear were worth more than my body, my strength to keep putting one foot in front of the other on my own terms.
Tiredness might have made it to my bones, but the thought of him made me cringe to the point where acid burned the back of my throat. I’d rather pick up a seedy stranger in a dark alley than to see him in the light of day. He had ass crack for days, and it didn’t always look like dark hair back there.
“You’ll be back!” he yelled toward me, leaning one beefy shoulder against the wall while I hauled ass to get out of there. A door across from mine opened and two people spilled out. “And the cost will go up when you do!”
Since I lived on the third floor, I sometimes left the window cracked. Call me foolishly hopeful or truly insane, but I always wished for a stray cat to slip through so he could take care of my rat problem. I couldn’t afford anything else, and getting anyone to listen in this city (a complaint against the landlord) was harder than talking a brick wall into moving by itself.
What was even more insane than hoping for a cat hero was plotting to get my journal and plant back from Merv the creepy landlord. I refused to let him have my hopes and my dreams—and my plant. I might have hit rock bottom, but I’d be damned if the last memories of me went to him.
I slapped my palm to my forehead. Again, the guy in the suit from this morning seemed to scramble my thoughts, and all common sense seemed to slip through the cracks. I had left the window open in case of this exact scenario. Not being able to make rent and getting put out.
On a normal day, I would’ve had Journey with me, but Vera always stayed home. I mean, who carries a plant around? In case things got shady, I purposely left the window open so I could snatch her from the ledge.
With nothing but time on my side, I waited in the extreme heat, too far away to be seen, until night fell and I was sure Merv was probably watching porn for the rest of the night.
After securing my backpack, I climbed the fire escape as quietly as possible.
It was old, and with each step, rust fell to the street from my weight. My toes had a pulse and my stomach felt like it had an acid sandwich for lunch. No matter what people say, no matter how little you eat, you never get used to feeling hunger. There was a big difference between a growl and a roar. Or maybe there was a big difference between choosing not to eat and not being able to.
I had to stop halfway up to the second floor. My head became dizzy, and everything seemed to swim out before it righted itself again. I looked up, remembering why I had to do this.
Journey. Vera. My things. Mine. All that will be left of me.
Once I reached the third floor, my apartment, I peeked inside, not seeing anyone. Vera was on the ledge and Journey was underneath. That was right. I was trying to be artsy today.
Maybe I can sneak in and get my two shirts and one pair of shorts. My only pair of flip-flops. I even had a bottle of water in the fridge. It didn’t really keep things cold but cool. That will do me some good when I’m ratting the hot streets tonight. Maybe Merv won’t even know that I spent the night. That’ll give me an extra day to try and make some other kind of arrangement. It’s too late to get into a shelter for the night. I didn’t like staying there, either. I always felt trapped.
My eyes narrowed when one of the rats took his time walking across the floor. Yeah, they weren’t afraid. Most of them could take on a small cat, but dealing with rats was better than dealing with humanity.
Taking a deep breath, I fully lifted the window and climbed inside, feeling somewhat ahead. I never felt settled, not since I was ten, but “somewhat ahead” had become my normal.
A searing pain ran from my scalp to my neck. My hair was caught in a tight-fisted grip, and my head pulled back at an awkward angle. “I knew you’d be back,” Merv sneered in my ear. “And what did I tell you? The cost is going to be so much higher. You’re going to meet Big Merv tonight. Mari and Big Merv, sitting on that bed, K-I-S-S-I-N-G.” He sang the last part childishly.