9
January 2020, La Madière, France
Ria
In the time it takes me to go upstairs and get changed into some dry clothes, Cass arrives back. I hear a small commotion while I’m getting dressed and by the time I go downstairs she’s sitting on one of the enormous sofas with Inigo fidgeting in her lap while Sarah hovers nearby. Cass’s eyes are shiny and she’s pulled her oversized cardigan down over her hands again in that nervous way she always does. If I didn’t know better, I’d probably assume Cass was the nanny and Sarah the spoilt young wife. Cass somehow looks out of place and uncomfortable in these luxurious surroundings, making even her high-end designer clothes look cheap and ill-fitting. Sarah, however, seems completely unfazed by it all. Perhaps she has nannied for rich families before.
‘Ria!’ Cass calls as I come in, unnaturally bright. ‘I’m so sorry you went out looking for me unnecessarily. I woke up early, went out for a walk and forgot to take my phone – it didn’t occur to me that anyone would be worried.’ She looks vague and spacey and I wonder if she’s on antidepressants. Didn’t Hugo say something about postnatal depression earlier?
‘Because why would it?’ Simon says, snippily. His ‘devoted and worried husband’ mode of earlier appears to have disappeared. ‘We’ve wasted Matt’s entire morning, making him call the hospitals and the police, and Hugo and Ria have been all over the resort looking for you. In fact, Hugo is still out there in the cold for all I know – I can’t get hold of him to let him know you’re back.’
‘It’s not a problem for me. Don’t worry at all,’ Matt says. ‘That’s what I’m here for.’ He glances at his watch. ‘That said, I’m a bit behind now with a few other things, so since Cass is safely back perhaps you wouldn’t mind if I …’
‘No! No, of course not,’ Simon says, clapping Matt on the back effusively. ‘I’m only sorry my wife has wasted your time in this way.’ He emphasizes wife in a way which couldn’t have sounded more sneering if he’d tried – he might as well have said ‘stupid little wife’ and be done with it.
Cass is fussing over Inigo and pretending she isn’t listening, but I see her redden and tears brim at Simon’s words.
‘It’s honestly fine,’ Matt reiterates magnanimously. ‘I’ll pop by for a drink later in case there’s anything you need.’
As soon as Matt is out of the door, Simon’s face darkens. ‘Right. Well, now you’re back, Cass, I should go and find Hugo and tell him the good news that you’re here. Can’t have him tramping around in this weather for no good reason.’ Simon gives Cass a final disparaging look – she is still dandling Inigo on her knee and pretends not to notice – before he storms out of the chalet, banging the door behind him.
Cass looks up at me. ‘I’m sorry if I worried you, Ria.’ She looks back at the baby and I see the tears which were brimming fill her eyes and roll slowly down her cheeks.
I sit down next to her. Though I barely know Cass at all, right at this moment I feel sorry for her. Anyone would.
‘Are you OK?’ I say, lamely. ‘Can I get you anything?’
She shakes her head. ‘I’m fine. I’m sorry for causing a fuss. All I wanted was a bit of time to myself.’
She hands the baby back to Sarah, who takes him and stands over by the window as if she’s looking out at the view. I wonder if she is listening to our conversation. I pat Cass gently on the knee and say ‘I understand’, though it’s not true because I don’t understand at all. Sarah seems to have Inigo most of the time so I’m not sure what the problem is for Cass or why she feels she needs time to herself. Perhaps she means time away from Simon – that I can understand.
Another couple of fat tears roll down her cheeks and she swipes them away with the heels of her hands. ‘It’s weird being here,’ she almost whispers, her voice hoarse. ‘Simon came here a long time ago with an old girlfriend. I know it’s silly, but … I hate things like that. I keep wondering if he had a better time with her than he’s having now with me and Inigo.’ She looks down, as if embarrassed by her outburst, having suddenly confided in me, unbidden. She wipes her face again.
I touch her arm gently, thinking to myself that she’s being a bit of a bunny boiler. I mean, who cares if Simon has been here before with someone else? But I guess postnatal depression probably does weird things to you.
‘Don’t be silly,’ I say, in my best sympathetic voice. ‘He’s with you now and you have a baby together! You’re his world. You should have seen how worried he was when he didn’t know where you were this morning.’
She sniffs and looks up at me. ‘Really?’
I tilt my head to one side. ‘Yeah. Honestly, you’ve got nothing to worry about. He adores you.’
She smiles weakly. ‘Thanks. Yes. I guess I’m being silly. It’s just, with the baby and everything … I don’t feel like myself at the moment. It makes me think about things I don’t want to and brings back bad memories. Makes me think about … well. You know.’
We both sit in silence for a few seconds while I absentmindedly pat her arm. I have no idea what she’s on about but telling her so isn’t going to help either of us.
‘I think I’ll go and lie down for a while, if you’ll excuse me?’ she says, standing up, suddenly brisk. ‘I hope Simon manages to find Hugo quickly. It’s not a nice day to be outside. And please … you won’t say anything to Simon about what I said, will you? I wouldn’t want him to know I’m being so silly and jealous. I’m sure it’s just me being all hormonal. I know Simon loves me. I shouldn’t have said anything. Shouldn’t have bothered you with my stupid thoughts.’
She does that thing with her cardigan sleeves again and looks down at the floor. I can see she has gone red.
‘Of course,’ I say. ‘And don’t worry about Hugo – he won’t mind at all, I’m sure. He loves both being out in the snow and playing the hero.’ Anything that helps him suck up to Simon is good news as far as he’s concerned, I add to myself silently.
After Cass has retreated upstairs, Sarah comes over with Inigo and sits down on the sofa next to me. She lies him down in her lap and he grins up at her.
‘Poor Cass,’ I venture. ‘Seems like she’s finding motherhood a little tricky.’
Sarah tickles Inigo and he squeals in delight. He’s a big round football of a baby and I can see that if you’re into that kind of thing, he’s probably quite sweet.
‘Yeah,’ Sarah says. ‘She’s very … nice and it’s clear she wants to be a good mum but I can’t help wondering how she’d manage if I wasn’t here. Even with my help, it seems like she’s struggling.’ She looks up at me. ‘Shit, sorry, it’s not my place to say that, is it?’ Her brow furrows. ‘You won’t tell her, will you?’
I smile. ‘Of course not,’ I say, though I am mildly shocked. Sarah is Cass’s (or at least Simon’s) employee, after all, and I am a virtual stranger. It seems out of order that she’d speak about her like that to me. I decide it’s best to change the subject.