Rosemary . . . for remembrance.
My dearest girl,
You must forgive me, dear Lizzy, for the secret I have kept. I had my reasons for not wanting you to know I was ill. I didn’t want you to come back because of me, because you felt some sense of duty. I made so many mistakes with your mother when she was young. I was determined to make her honor my path instead of her own, when I of all people should have known better. I never wanted to put that kind of burden on you. I wanted you to be free to spread your wings—and fly home only if that’s where your heart led you. If you’re reading this, perhaps it has.
My Circle will close soon—as all Circles must—but there is time yet, and so I have picked up my pen. Because it is our way to teach, to reach back into history and pull out what should always be remembered. We must never forget who we are. How far we’ve come, and what we’ve had to endure at the hands of those who fear what they do not understand.
You know Sabine’s story, that she came from France, alone, with a child in her belly, fleeing the authorities. But it wasn’t for any crime that they wanted her. It was for what she believed and the Path she walked. It wasn’t long after the burning times, and there were some—many in fact—who held tight to their superstitions. They were useful, you see, trotted out now and then, against women who dared to speak up, and claim what was rightfully theirs.
This was how it was for Sabine. Her lover was engaged to marry another. When he learned about the child, he denounced her, accusing her of unspeakable things. A warrant was sworn. They would not have burned her. Such things had ended by then. But they would have made a case against her, for indecency or thievery, or some other thing. And they would have arrested her—or worse. And so she fled and began again. She learned to do for herself and her child. Without a man, and without a care for the opinion of others, depending on her farm and her gifts to make her way in the world. And she passed on those gifts—her knowledge of herbs and healing—and made her place in the world helping others.
That is who we are, Lizzy.
Fighters. Mothers. Healers.
There will always be those who are afraid, who will make up stories to cover their fear. They’ll point fingers and call names. And yes, they’ll lie. But we can’t let that change who we are, or dim the light that is in us.
You were such a clever child, so bright and observant. You never missed a thing. And that nose of yours. You were special, gifted in a way your mother never was—in ways I never was, come to that. I knew it early on, could see it shining out of you long before you knew yourself. And then, when you began to suspect, you fought it. You wanted a life that looked like everyone else’s. Pony rides and Christmas trees, sleepovers with girlfriends. I can hardly blame you for that. Salem Creek isn’t an easy place to be different. And there’s nothing on earth quite so cruel as a child who’s discovered someone is uncomfortable in her skin. I don’t imagine your mother’s escapades helped matters either, always kicking up some fuss or other in hopes of drawing attention to herself. She never cared that it drew attention to you too. Attention you never wanted.
You preferred being alone. You had your books and your oils and your perfumes. And you pretended it was enough. It wasn’t, though, and that was hard to see. You were so beautiful, but you were always hiding, trying to make yourself invisible.
And then . . . those poor girls.
It was an agony to know the people of this town thought me capable of such a thing. Murder. Why? What would I have to gain by taking the lives of two beautiful young girls? But there’s no reasoning with people once an idea takes root. The whispers caught fire, and that was that. But it was harder still to watch what all their talk did to you. Every day, I saw you pull away a little more, knowing there was nothing I could do. And then when your mother left, I saw how badly you wanted to go too, to be away from it all.
I didn’t blame you—will never blame you—for leaving for school. You’ve grown into a special woman, just as I knew you would, living the life you’ve carved out for yourself. I’m so proud of you for that—for making your own way in the world.
You’re like Sabine in that way. You have her will and her strength. I was not so strong when I was young. I fell in line and walked the path already paved for me, too timid to stray, to find a way to be both what I wanted and what was expected of me. I hadn’t your spirit back then, though I sometimes wish I had. So much becomes clear when looking over one’s shoulder. I have no regrets, or if I do, they’re few, and faded with time. But I understand now that there are an infinite number of paths in this life. Some are well traveled, others must be forged. But none should be walked with a guilty or bitter heart.
Which is why I’ve written this second book—a Book of Remembrances—not for posterity, but for you, my Lizzy. So you will remember how things were before it all went wrong—the happy times we shared when you were a child, the lessons I taught you, and your love of the land. Those things will always be your heritage. And so I ask you to read the remaining pages, but to do so slowly, as I taught you to do when you were young and hungry to know too much all at once. Absorb the words a little at a time, and hold them close. Then come back to the book when you are ready. Trust me in this, sweet girl. You will know when it’s time.
A—
FOUR
July 18
Lizzy swam up slowly from sleep, fully dressed beneath the softly worn quilt she must have pulled over herself during the night. She hadn’t bothered to change clothes, or even to go looking for sheets. She had simply curled up on the bare mattress with Althea’s book and started to read.
The Book of Remembrances.
Even now, after her death, Althea was still teaching, reminding her who she was and where she’d come from. But there had been one passage in particular that had struck her in a way she hadn’t expected. So much so that she’d gone back and read it over several times.
I was not so strong when I was young. I fell in line and walked the path already paved for me, too timid to stray, to find a way to be both what I wanted and what was expected of me. I hadn’t your spirit back then, though I sometimes wish I had.
Had she imagined the tinge of regret? A wistfulness for something lost or left undone? It was hard to imagine Althea wanting anything more than the life she had. She always seemed to be right where she belonged, in love with her work and the bright, sprawling fields of Moon Girl Farm. And yet her reference to falling in line seemed to hint at a disappointment of some kind. And there was the mention of a bitter heart, though that was easier to explain. If being branded a murderer and losing everything you held precious wasn’t cause for a bitter heart, Lizzy didn’t know what was.
The book sat on the nightstand. Lizzy laid a hand on the cover, wondering what else Althea had to say. The temptation to keep reading last night had been almost overpowering, but she had been urged to absorb the words a little at a time, and hold them close. And because it was the last request her grandmother would ever make of her, she would honor it.
She went to the door and peered out into the hall. There was no sign of Evvie, but she did find a folded pair of soft green corduroys, a white cotton blouse, and a pair of battered lace-up boots. She smiled as she ran a hand over the scuffed boots, strangely glad to see them, like old friends she’d left behind but not quite forgotten. She had to admit, it would feel good to lose the heels and office attire for a few days.