When does that feeling of longing for parental endorsement go away? she wondered as she lay in bed that night, the first to go up as she was so exhausted. She was a fool. There she was, a successful business leader on a huge salary, but she still couldn’t shake the feeling that at home she was very much second best. Worse, it still had the power to wound her deeply.
‘Merry Christmas!’ they all chorused to each other the next morning. The sleet had turned to snow overnight and the unexpected surprise of a thick blanket of white over the garden seemed to bring in a sensation of newness, of starting afresh. Susanna popped a bottle of champagne and poured them each a Buck’s Fizz.
‘Right, presents!’ declared Ellie, as she moved into the living room and pulled two gifts from under the tree. She handed one to Abby, then sat back with a huge smile on her face, impatient for her sister to open it.
Abby undid the fabric bow and peeled off the beautiful paper to find a jewellery box. Inside was a bangle made of hammered gold. It was so elegant and stylish, Abby gasped. She instantly fell in love with it, but found it hard to accept. She was worried.
‘You like it?’ asked Ellie, pleased.
‘It’s beautiful,’ said Abby.
She saw Ellie was looking at her expectantly. There was nowhere to hide. Abby retrieved her gifts from under the tree and handed one to Ellie. The smile on her sister’s face died as she removed the wrapping paper.
‘It’s a calendar,’ said Ellie.
‘An academic one,’ said Abby. ‘I thought it would be useful . . . you know, with you being at school. September to September.’ Her sister’s face was so crestfallen, Abby could barely look. Then Ellie found the other item in the package.
‘And a pen,’ she said.
Abby nodded. When she’d bought it, she’d been really pleased with it. It wasn’t a Montblanc or anything like that but it was a fancy rollerball, in a blue and chrome casing. She looked down at her bangle. It was clear their gifts were wildly different in value. Abby’s guilt rendered her silent for a moment and then she suddenly found herself getting annoyed.
‘I thought we had a budget,’ she said.
‘What?’ said Ellie.
‘I sent an email. Twenty pounds each. I’m sure I did.’
‘Well, sorry if I didn’t get your memo on having a tight Christmas.’
‘It’s not tight,’ said Abby hotly. ‘It’s . . .’ She was at a loss as to what to say. She could see that to some people it might seem miserly, but actually too much was spent at Christmas anyway; it was all so horribly commercial. ‘It’s sensible,’ she declared.
Ellie choked on her Buck’s Fizz. ‘OK, good. As long as we’re being sensible.’
‘You know what I mean.’
‘Now, now, girls,’ said Susanna, holding up the champagne bottle. ‘Anyone for a top-up?’
‘I just don’t see the point of spending loads of money on something people don’t really want,’ said Abby.
Ellie slowly put her glass down on the side table. Her hand was shaking. ‘First of all,’ she started quietly, ‘you take the time to think of something people do want, maybe by spending more time with them so you actually get to know them. And what is wrong with spending a bit of money? Especially if you’re being paid a whole stack of it!’ Her eyes were blazing with hurt and accusation.
Abby resented other people having opinions on how she should spend her salary, the expectation that because she was well paid, she should disburse her cash at a higher than average level. Well, it was none of Ellie’s business. Abby had a strict budget and she was going to stick to it.
‘I’m sorry you didn’t get the email,’ she said, ‘and I’m sorry I hurt your feelings.’ She cleared her throat, wanted to set the record straight. ‘But actually, I did put quite a lot of thought into your present.’
‘It’s a calendar!’ said Ellie. ‘To help me organize my school year! Oh God, now I sound like a spoiled bitch. I’m upset. There, I know it’s vulgar, crass beyond belief to discuss this, but I really can’t quite believe it. Next you’ll be telling me the pen is to do my marking.’
Abby opened her mouth but then thought better of it and closed it again. She lowered her eyes.
Ellie’s jaw dropped. ‘Good God. No, I don’t want to hear it. Seriously?’
‘Please don’t . . .’ said Susanna.
‘Do you have any idea how much I earn?’ said Ellie. ‘Do you? Twenty grand a year! I bet that’s your annual bonus, isn’t it?’
Actually, it was about a third of her annual bonus, but Abby wisely kept that to herself.
‘And yet, I still don’t get a decent Christmas present, even though I like to think the one I got you is quite special.’ Ellie, suddenly deflated, slumped down on the sofa. ‘Oh, never mind.’ An unhealthy silence filled the room.
After a while, Abby cleared her throat. ‘I might go out for a bit of fresh air. Just five minutes.’ Nobody said anything so she went into the hall, donned her coat and boots and, grabbing her sister’s key on the hall table, she stepped outside.
As Abby walked on the untouched snow, she wondered how she was going to get through the rest of the day. She genuinely hadn’t meant to hurt her sister’s feelings – the whole thing had been a huge misunderstanding (she must check her sent box to see if her budget email actually went) – but at the same time, she couldn’t help feeling a bit resentful. What was the big deal, anyway? Her sister always had to make such drama out of everything. It always had to be about Ellie.
By the time she had traipsed over much of her childhood stomping ground, she’d calmed down. The unexpected beauty of the snow, and the way the bright blue sky made her gaze upwards with a smile on her face, had lifted her spirits. Nothing could be that bad, she decided, and she resolved to apologize fully when she got back to the house. Better than that she’d finally sort out that dinner invitation Ellie had sent all those weeks ago. She felt a pang of shame then at having overlooked it for so long, but now was the time to make amends.
Abby nervously made her way back up the front path and let herself in. Christmas music was playing loudly from the kitchen. She hung up her coat and put her boots to dry next to the radiator. She took a deep breath and, before her resolve left her, went to join them.
Her mother and Ellie were huddled together at the table with their backs to her, poring enthusiastically over Ellie’s laptop. Neither seemed to hear her come in. Abby was about to announce her arrival when she caught a glimpse of the image on the screen – a beach somewhere.
Suddenly they realized she was there and Susanna guiltily minimized the tab.
‘What’s that?’ asked Abby, furious that her voice sounded so small and hurt.
‘We were just looking at places to go,’ stumbled Susanna. She gave a big smile. ‘Nice walk?’
‘Go?’ repeated Abby.
Ellie looked awkward. ‘Mum and I were thinking about a couple of days away somewhere. You know, a European break.’
‘Oh yes? When?’
‘Um . . . probably March time, escape the cold. We were, er . . .’ Ellie looked at Susanna. ‘We were going to ask you to come but thought you were probably busy. You know, with work. But you’re more than welcome to join us,’ she added brightly.