‘When – when I finished, I put the shovel away and went up and got the bags from the apartment and locked everything up. I put the bags in the boot. And then I opened the driver’s-side door.’ He pauses, and it looks to Stephanie like he can’t catch his breath. ‘At first I thought Lindsey was just asleep.’ He glances at her, and quickly looks away. ‘But then suddenly it struck me that she didn’t look right somehow, that she didn’t look normal. I grabbed her by the shoulder and shook her, but her head just fell forward. And – I knew she was dead. I started to scream. I lost my mind for a minute. I backed out of the car, screaming for help, fumbling for my cell phone. I called 911. Some of the neighbours came running out. I was hysterical – I don’t remember much more than that, other than people dragging Lindsey out of the car and lying her down on the snow. Someone did CPR on her. The paramedics got there really fast, but it was too late. She was declared dead. The baby too.’
He puts his head in his hands and says, ‘If I’d only known what was happening. If I’d checked on her first, before putting the shovel away, going upstairs to get the luggage—’ He collapses into ragged sobs.
Stephanie stirs herself out of her shock and goes to Patrick, putting her arms around him. She doesn’t know what to say. She watches him break down, his face in his hands. The babies start to cry too. She’s numb. She had no idea. No idea that he’d been carrying this awful burden the whole time that she’s known him. She clasps him in her arms as he sobs, his body heaving. ‘Shhhhh,’ she whispers, holding him tight. It’s the saddest thing she’s ever heard. She can’t even imagine –
‘It was an accident,’ she whispers, holding him tight until his body stops trembling. She has never seen him like this, in such inconsolable grief. As if he’s been torn apart.
He looks up at her finally, his eyes wet and red. ‘I’m sorry. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you.’
The babies are bawling now and together Stephanie and Patrick wipe the girls’ faces and hands and unbuckle them from their high chairs. Then they carry them through to the living room and put them in the swings so that Stephanie and Patrick can talk. The twins like the swings, and they’re distracted, at least for a few minutes.
Patrick collapses onto the sofa as if all the strength has gone out of him. Stephanie sits down close beside her husband and turns to face him. ‘Why didn’t you tell me?’ she asks softly.
He looks back at her, completely spent. ‘I was too ashamed. I can’t tell you the guilt I carry around. I didn’t think. I didn’t know it was even possible to get carbon monoxide poisoning that way.’
She nods. It wouldn’t occur to her, either. It was a simple but tragic mistake.
‘I was only twenty-three. I was almost destroyed by grief, by guilt. I left Colorado after the funeral, came back to New York. It took a long time to just begin to feel normal. I still think about it, about what happened, every day.’ He looks at her, his face overwrought. ‘And then I met you three years ago, and started to feel like living again.’ He turns away. ‘I’m sorry. It isn’t fair to you. To dump it on you like this.’
‘You don’t have to apologize to me,’ she says. ‘I wish you’d told me before, but I’m glad you’ve told me now.’ She wonders why he chose today to do it.
‘I didn’t want it to be part of our life together. I didn’t want to burden you with it too. It should be mine to bear, alone.’
She reaches out, takes his face in her hands and says, ‘Patrick, I love you, and I always will. We have two beautiful little girls together. What happened is horrible and I’m so, so sorry.’ She pauses and then goes on. ‘I don’t mean to minimize it in any way, but it’s in the past. You have to let it go, forgive yourself. We’re building a future together.’
He looks back at her, but his face is still bleak, and he turns away and stares at the floor. ‘I want to put it behind me. God knows I’ve suffered enough for it.’
‘You can put it behind you. Have you ever seen anyone, a grief counsellor, to help you with this?’
He shakes his head, sniffs. ‘No.’
‘Maybe you should,’ she says gently.
He’s still looking down; he takes a deep breath. ‘There’s a bit of a problem that you need to know about.’
She waits, worried.
‘Lindsey had a friend, Erica. She’s recently moved near here, to Newburgh. She got in touch with me a couple of days ago and wanted to meet for drinks.’
‘Okay,’ Stephanie says, remembering the smell of alcohol on her husband’s breath, wondering where this is going, feeling uneasy.
‘She’s threatening me.’
CHAPTER NINE
ERICA LEANS BACK in her bathtub, the hot water up to her neck, breathing in the smell of lavender. Her mind drifts to Niall. He’s an attractive man, surprisingly good in bed. She’d enjoyed herself.
She’d applied for the job at Foote and Kilgour only to freak Patrick out; she wanted to catch him off guard. But there was an undeniable attraction between her and Niall in the interview. Plus she couldn’t help noticing that Niall was married, with a child – she’d seen his ring, the photos on his desk – and most married men, especially those with children, don’t want their wives finding out if they’re getting a bit on the side.
Her mind shifts to Patrick. Of course he said he wouldn’t pay her. But he doesn’t mean that.
Stephanie stares back at her husband, alarmed. ‘Threatening you, how?’
He sighs deeply, miserably. ‘She threatened to tell you what happened, and I said I’d tell you myself. I have nothing to hide.’
Stephanie is silent, her anxiety spiking.
Finally he says, ‘She wants money, or else she says she’ll go to the authorities in Colorado and try to get them to look at the accident again, maybe reopen the case.’
‘What?’ Stephanie says in disbelief. ‘She’s trying to blackmail you?’
He nods. ‘Yes.’
‘What is she talking about, reopening the case? What case?’ Stephanie cries, feeling a terrible unease creep over her.
He’s not looking at her. He’s staring at the floor again. ‘It was an accident, and it was officially ruled an accident, obviously. There was never any suggestion that it was anything else! But now she says she can go to them and get them to reopen it. She says she might tell them that – that I did it on purpose.’
Stephanie is stunned. She can hardly process what she’s hearing. ‘Why would she do that?’
‘For money! She’s just trying to frighten me into paying her.’
‘But she can’t do that, surely? She can’t just ask them to reopen a case. That’s absurd.’
‘Of course it’s absurd. She’s out of her fucking mind.’ He looks at her then. ‘And that’s what I told her.’
‘But’ – Stephanie doesn’t know how to put it – ‘but … can she do that? Do we have anything to worry about?’
‘I don’t know.’ He looks more worried than she would like. ‘She’s just doing this because she knows we have money. She found out about your inheritance somehow. She would never have shown up here otherwise.’