I take out my camera and capture the moment. If it wasn’t insensitive to do so, I would caption it in the memory album of Nina’s life which I’m creating for Felix and Em with something along the lines of Fresh Beginnings.
Stuart and I smile at each other. Nina trusted that my loyalty to her was unshakeable, that I’d do whatever it took to fulfil her wishes. Gratitude was never her strongest point, but this has made everything I ever put myself through worthwhile. I briefly close my eyes and send her a silent thank-you.
Emily is staring at me when I open my eyes. She always was a tricky child. I felt betrayed when Nina had chosen a random woman from her NCT group to be Em’s godmother, but now, thanks to Ben and Stuart, I’m in a much stronger position to influence her behaviour for the better. Nina was too soft on her. Seeing as I’ve just relearned the hard way that change is inevitable, I’ll start as I mean to go on. It won’t take me long to train Emily. She’s old enough to learn decent manners.
I smile at her, but she doesn’t reciprocate.
It stings.
I sip the dregs of my hot chocolate, even though it’s gone cold, to distract myself, to stop my mouth twisting in displeasure.
I, more than anyone, can appreciate the benefits of playing the long game.
Chapter Six
Trust someone to pour cold water over my happiness.
‘It doesn’t sound like a good idea to me at all, love,’ my dad says. ‘You wrecked your relationship with Ben over Nina and her family, and now you’re stopping yourself moving on by letting yourself get sucked back in to Nina’s affairs all over again.’
He takes a sip from his pint of cider. He has one every Saturday lunchtime at his local. I joined him today because, usually, I love spending time with my father.
‘Ben had an affair, Dad. Nina is no longer with us.’
‘I worry about you,’ he says. ‘Even now you put her above yourself. It’s not right.’
‘I wish I hadn’t said anything,’ I say, folding my arms, my teenage self resurfacing. ‘It’s only for a few months, and it’s good for me, Stuart and those poor children. It’s only temporary while we all figure out a new normality.’
He gives me a look. ‘Really?’
‘Yes, really. I’ll talk to Mum about it instead.’
‘How’s work?’
His blatant change of subject says a lot, but I don’t mind. I have a new therapist, a man this time, Christian, to share fresh stories with. It feels good, like crisp, blank stationery at the beginning of a September school term.
‘Work is busy,’ I reply to Dad’s question. ‘Lots of festive weddings and anniversaries.’
I stopped photographing christenings and naming ceremonies over a year ago. Now that my family situation is different, maybe I’ll be able to face capturing hope and innocent happiness again.
I leave him to his ritual. He likes to read the pub’s free newspaper, picking out stories to get outraged by. I’ll get a different reaction from my mother; his comments have touched a nerve.
I never used to enjoy talking to my mum about personal things, but it’s different now. From my eighteenth birthday onwards, she impressed upon me the importance of not leaving it too late to have a baby because of her own struggles. Mum conceived me at forty-six, after a late miscarriage the previous year. Nina was nine months older than me. I sometimes imagined her to be the sister I never had.
Every time I see my mother, I hope (and pray) that this is the time that I can share the news of my pregnancy. I imagine her face lighting up. My failed relationship with Ben feels like a huge let-down on my part.
‘Ben left me,’ I say, turning away from her and towards the window so that she can’t see the tears forming.
I take a deep breath, pull myself together.
‘But I’m fine. I’m moving in with Stuart temporarily to help him out. Dad’s not impressed, just to warn you because he’ll undoubtedly tell you. He actually took an extra-large gulp of his cider before he said I was going to get sucked into Nina’s affairs all over again.’
I make a face. My mum has always laughed at my expressions. ‘If the wind changes, your face will get stuck like that,’ she said the first time I ever did it.
‘But I know what I’m doing,’ I continue quickly before she says anything I don’t want to hear either.
Mum confided in me several times that ageing was a shock to her. ‘My grandmother warned me that time passed quickly,’ she said. ‘But I never fully appreciated just how fast.’ I am reminded of those words every time I see her. I must seize my moment while I can.
Despite getting everything off my chest, I leave feeling strange. The first day in my new home was disorientating because I wasn’t sure how to feel. Despite my familiarity with the house, I re-explored all the rooms with fresh, critical eyes now that it was my living space. It didn’t take long to unpack. I scattered personal belongings – recipe books on the kitchen shelf, my favourite winter coat on the rack, towels in the linen cupboard – discreet, innocuous things. It’s my home now, too.
I agreed to take over complete responsibility for Nina’s business plans. Over time, I’ll build on her dreams and expand to include more tailored holidays or short breaks. (My discussion with Stuart didn’t go quite that far; I held back some of my ideas. I’m wary of coming across as too much. There’s no point in overwhelming him at this early stage.) We’ve synced calendars; nothing that could lead to misunderstanding or resentment has been left open to interpretation. Yet, every time I push my key into the front door lock, I feel like an imposter. I need to be kinder to myself because I more than overcompensate for my presence.
It’s on the school run that I encounter my first dose of reality – a hurdle in the form of Tamsin.
‘So, you and Stuart,’ she gives me a not-so-subtle elbow nudge in the ribs.
I glare. ‘Me and Stuart what?’
‘I’m only joking.’
‘It’s a purely practical arrangement, it makes sense. We’re putting the children’s welfare first.’
My voice sounds like a strict headteacher. I spot Emily emerging from her classroom. She is at the front of the line. I remove a fudge bar from my coat pocket and wave it at her. Nina preferred them to have treats on Fridays only so that ‘sugar after school didn’t become a habit’, but it’s hard to stick to all the old rules. I’ll ensure she cleans her teeth extra well tonight.
‘By the way,’ Tamsin says. ‘I didn’t think you’d mind, there’s a new girl in my eldest son’s class. They’ve moved over from Canada. I’ve invited her mother to join our book group, she seems keen to make friends.’
I’ve really gone off Tamsin.
‘Without discussing it with the group?’ I say, bending down to hug Em before ripping open the plastic chocolate wrapper.
‘It seemed a friendly thing to do. I thought that after what has happened, perhaps it would be a positive thing. I know no one can replace Nina, but there’s an undeniable gap. A slight change could be just the thing we need.’
‘Nina set it up. She left me in charge.’
I sound about five years old, but honestly! How dare Tamsin assume that she can do what she likes? Yet, I need to tread carefully. There’s no benefit in pissing Tamsin off; I may need her on my side while the non-news about me and Stuart settles. Still, I can’t resist reining her in, regaining some control.