I pulled up to the house to find the black Chevy parked next to Mr. Ahn’s purple van. I could hear Mr. Ahn arguing with someone in the yard. “The current is strong and unpredictable, with undertows. It’s like a maze around the island. It’s too dark, and you’ve all been drinking . . .”
“Who are you to tell us what to do?” the other man interrupted.
I pushed the gate open. Four guys were facing off against Mr. Ahn and the youth club president. I recognized one of them; he was the one who had come into the pharmacy, asking for directions.
“Have you ever done a nighttime dive?” Mr. Ahn asked, crossing his arms. “If you’re reckless you can get in serious trouble.”
The guys laughed at him.
“Boys, he’s trying to prevent an accident,” the youth club president interjected. “He’s our diving expert. Listen to him. I’ll rent you the boat tomorrow morning, so let’s call it a night.”
I kicked the gate closed behind me, and everyone turned to look.
“Oh, hey,” the guy from the pharmacy said. “It’s the very helpful clerk from earlier. How did you manage to find your way here, when you couldn’t tell me where Lighthouse Village was?”
“I don’t think you should take them out tonight,” Mr. Ahn said to the youth club president. With that, we went inside. Soon, we heard their van revving and driving off.
I shook my head in disgust and went to wash up.
* * *
They say a cat can sense thunder right before it rumbles. Perhaps the human brain has a similar sensory ability—the clock of anxiety that begins ticking when catastrophe looms. Later that night, in the room I shared with Mr. Ahn, I lay in bed but couldn’t fall asleep. I drifted into my memories, back to that day seven years ago when the police had separated me from Mr. Ahn.
After they released me, my mom was cremated without a proper funeral, and I was entrusted to my dad’s younger brother, Uncle Jongu, in Seoul. On my first day at my new school, before I could introduce myself, I realized that the kids already knew who I was. To them, I was the son of a crazed murderer who had killed an eleven-year-old girl and her father, thrown his own wife into the river, and then opened the floodgates of the dam above Seryong Village, drowning four police officers and wiping out nearly half the town.
My cousins, who attended the same school, came home in tears; their classmates had taunted them for being related to me. Uncle Jongu had to quit his job as a physical therapist. Soon, our landlord asked us to vacate the apartment. We fled to an apartment in Sanbon and I was given a room at the back, albeit with its own enclosed balcony. My aunt was terrified that people would find out I was living with them. My cousins avoided me at all costs.
I emerged from my room only when the apartment was empty or everyone was asleep. I ate if there was food and went hungry if there wasn’t. I rushed to the bathroom, having held it in all day long, and washed. This became a ritual of sorts, my way of confirming that I wasn’t a monster. I still had two legs, two arms, a pair of irises, a soul.
Back in my room, I curled up next to the window, alternating between napping and daydreaming. I missed Mr. Ahn. I wondered if he ever tried to contact me. I wouldn’t know if he had; Uncle Jongu had smashed the cell phone Mr. Ahn had given me against the wall when he found it, telling me that I was forbidden to remain in contact with anyone my father had known if I wanted to continue staying with them.
Three months later, he sent me to live with his older sister. After three months there, I was sent to their other sister. Things were the same wherever I went. As time passed, the events of Seryong Lake faded from the collective memory, and fewer people recognized me. But eventually, someone would always figure it out, and they would drive me out of school.
The only person in my family who was kind to me was Aunt Yongju, my mother’s younger sister. She took me in for a month longer than any other relative before or since. After I’d been there for four months, she sent me to her brother, Giju. “I’m so sorry, Sowon,” she said, her eyes filling with tears. Maybe she would have let me stay longer if it weren’t for her husband. He despised me. He would come home drunk, drag me out of my room, and pummel me. He would push his wife away as she tried to intervene.
I’ll never forget what I overheard him say the night before I was sent away.
“Have you ever looked into the kid’s eyes? He never cries. He just stares at you, blankly, even if you curse at him or beat him. It makes me crazy. It’s not a child’s gaze. It’s the gaze of someone who would do something terrible. I can’t have him here anymore.”
Three months later on a snowy January morning, I came out of my room at Uncle Giju’s, and he handed me two one-thousand-won bills. “You know how to get to your uncle Jongu’s place, right?”
I figured I could find my way somehow. I nodded. He apologized for not being able to drop me off. They were moving that day, and they neglected to tell me where they were going. I threw my stuff in my suitcase, shouldered my backpack, put on my hat, and walked out of the apartment. The wind sliced through me. The streets were icy. My hands were cold and the tip of my nose was numb. But I didn’t look back. I would not beg them to take me along. I didn’t much care where I lived, anyway. I thought of Mr. Ahn again.
I found out later that my aunts and uncles had taken my inheritance and divided it among themselves for child-rearing expenses. They had taken everything, including my mom’s savings account, life insurance, and our brand-new apartment. But that hadn’t been enough to buy their generosity for more than a few months at a time.
I got lost on my way to Sanbon and it took me five hours to get there. When I rang the doorbell, I heard an unfamiliar woman’s voice call out, “Who is it?”
I asked for Uncle Jongu, but she answered that nobody of that name lived there. I checked the unit number; maybe I had come to the wrong place. I went outside to check the building number. I wasn’t in the wrong place. They, too, it seemed, had moved. I rushed to the phone booth at the entrance of the apartment complex, but Uncle Jongu had changed his cell phone number, too. I called Uncle Giju, but I couldn’t get through to his cell phone or his landline. I stood there, stunned. Uncle Jongu had moved away from Sanbon before his turn came around again, but Uncle Giju had sent me there anyway. I called all of my aunts, but no one answered.
Snow swirled into the phone booth through the gaps around the door. My jacket was too thin and my jeans were too short—my ankles were bare. I had grown out of my sneakers, so I was wearing them with the heels folded down—like slippers. I hadn’t eaten anything all day. I only had a hundred-won coin left.
There was only one number I hadn’t tried—Mr. Ahn’s cell phone number. There was probably no point, since he’d given me his phone and Uncle Jongu had broken it, but I dialed, cautiously hopeful. Maybe he’d bought a new cell phone after giving me his and was still using the same number . . .