I don’t think Mama really likes football,
but she won’t say that,
just says I better never see you playing without a helmet
just says Why don’t you and Ollie find another game to play
just says Be careful
just says I love you, ZJ—body, brain and soul.
Maplewood, 2000
This guy on the radio said the world was going to end
when we got to the new millennium. That it was gonna explode—a whole nother big bang
but this time, instead of the earth being created,
it was just gonna bust into smithereens and all of us would be gone from here.
Forever.
December 31, 1999, came on a Friday. So
Ollie, Darry and Daniel were all staying at my house.
A little bit of snow was falling, and we were in my room
listening to a Prince CD, playing that song “1999”
over and over again.
Darry was dancing.
Maybe one day we’ll see him
dancing on TV.
He danced over to the window, looking up at the sky,
waiting for some sign.
I asked him if he saw anything that looked like
the end of time.
Nope, he said. Just snow.
And maybe we were a little bit scared that it was true.
That this was the last night of all of our lives.
And maybe we were a little bit excited for
some kind of explosion.
We were only ten then, and I guess
when you’re a little kid like that,
some part of you just believes
that no matter what happens, you’re gonna be safe.
If the end of time comes, Daniel said, we had us
some good years together. I’ll always remember y’all.
We didn’t know what was coming.
We didn’t even think it was strange that
my daddy was in his room with the door closed
instead of in his chair in the TV room, watching
videos of football games.
But when he came into our room and started yelling
about the loud music,
we all froze.
Who are these boys, anyway? he said, frowning
at Ollie, Darry and Daniel,
who he’d known practically forever.
At first we thought he was kidding. I said
Daddy. Stop playing.
Then he said Do I look like I’m playing?
and left the room,
slamming the door so hard,
the whole room shook.
After that, we all just went to bed.
Didn’t stay up to say Happy New Year.
Didn’t try to wait to see if the world was gonna end.
My daddy had never yelled at us kids.
So in some kind of way,
the world as we’d always known it
had already ended.
January 1, 2000
Was your dad drunk last night? Darry whispered.
We were all sitting in the kitchen mixing cereal:
Kix and Cap’n Crunch and Froot Loops and
some bad organic one
my mom tried to sneak in with the others.
My dad doesn’t drink.
Maybe it was drugs, Daniel said.
People get caught up sometimes.
Ollie looked at me, and I stared down at my bowl.
My dad doesn’t do drugs either. Y’all know that.
He doesn’t even like those shots
they give him to help when he gets hurt.
Nobody likes a shot, Ollie said. Not even football players.
And they don’t even really care about pain. Anyway, he was just messing with us. He got y’all good!
Ollie looked at me. And smiled.
C’mon, man! I knew he was just playing, Darry said.
He took a mouthful of cereal.
No you didn’t. Your eyes got all big! Ollie said.
He wasn’t playing, Daniel said. Something’s going on.
Nah, he was playing, Darry said. He almost had me too.
I swear, he almost had me.
Like We Used to Do on Fridays
Right after school on Friday I ask
Ollie and Darry and Daniel
if they wanna come to my house
and throw the ball around and stuff,
maybe play some video games, watch a movie, whatnot.
Your dad gonna be there? Daniel asks.
And is he feeling any better?
They all kinda look at me
kinda look at each other
kinda look at the ground.
I shrug.
Well, he’s not yelling anymore, I say.
I’m kinda joking but
nobody laughs.
I don’t tell them that the quiet in our house
is like a bruise. Silent.
Painful.
We’re standing in the schoolyard, and most of the cars
picking up kids are gone. Ollie—well, he walks home most days.
Daniel rides his bike.
Darry gets picked up by his dad but
his dad’s usually running late.
Used to be I said my dad was home and people would come running to my house.
Now it feels like they’re trying to run away.
Seems like he’s going through some things, Daniel says.
He unlocks his bike from the rack near the playground.
I gotta get home now, but I got you
if you ever want to talk.
My mama’s on me to clean my room, Ollie says.
I’ll come by with her tomorrow maybe.
Darry, he just shrugs. Says Wish I could.
It starts to drizzle. Starts to get colder too. Daniel shivers.
I say It’s cool, put my backpack on my shoulders. Watch them all walk the way I’m not walking. Wonder if our
Fridays together are some used-to-be thing now.