I was never going to see Helen again. She was gone for good. There wasn’t a day that went by when I didn’t miss her. Without her there was no one I could share this tiny achievement with, no banners, no hugs and no smiles. Without Helen, there was no one in my corner at all.
4
James
I am watching Friends.
It is the episode where Chandler sees Rachel naked in the shower.
I am watching Friends on the TV in my bedroom at my parents’ home. The TV is in the corner of the room next to the window. I am sitting in a worn leather armchair.
I have seen this episode of Friends a million times but it still makes me laugh.
It is very funny and it makes me laugh because I know what’s going to happen. I know that Chandler will accidentally see Rachel naked. I know that Rachel will try and see Chandler naked but will end up seeing Joey instead. I know that Joey will try to get revenge on Rachel and will end up seeing Monica naked. I know that Monica will try and see Joey naked and will end up seeing Joey’s dad in the shower instead. I know all this and yet it is still funny. I know all this and this is the way I like things. I like to know what will happen next. I know all this and yet I still cannot stop myself getting annoyed by the racket coming from downstairs. A racket of raised voices.
I need to find out what is going on.
I lean towards my good side and push myself up and out of my chair. It is a leather chair. The leather feels warm underneath my hand because the sun has been shining on it all morning and the chair is next to the window. This is my favourite spot. I feel calm watching Friends. It is a really good TV series and when I watch it, I feel like nothing can bother me. I like knowing what will happen next. I like that it is predictable.
I watched Friends all the time while I was recovering from The Incident. It made me feel better.
As I come down the stairs, I hold the banister tightly.
My mum, Erica, says my balance is getting better all the time but I am not so sure. I have fallen down the stairs in the past. I haven’t hurt myself too badly. Just a few bruises, my mum said. No broken bones. I take my time coming down the stairs. I have to be careful. Sometimes I forget the bottom step. It is like I think I know where the ground is and then it turns out that I do not know at all. Sometimes I look down at my feet and check to see if the floor is still there, even if I am not going downstairs.
I think it pays to be safe sometimes. I think it is good to be careful.
The closer I get to the kitchen, the more I can work out who the raised voices belong to. The loudest is Martha’s. Martha is my sister and she is younger than me but right now I cannot remember by how much. She works for the BBC. I am not sure what she does but I think it is pretty important. Martha is using her loud voice. She tells my parents that they are using James as an excuse. In a slightly less loud voice Dad tells Martha she is talking nonsense.
I am James.
My name is James.
They are either talking about me or possibly someone else called James.
I think they probably are talking about me though.
My mum uses her loud voice to tell Martha that she is being too hard on James. Martha tells my mum that she is not hard enough. She says, ‘You keep treating him like he’s a child but he’s not. He’s a grown man, Mum, and he can handle three weeks without you!’ and then mum says sharply, ‘Martha! That’s enough!’ Then it all goes quiet and I hear someone crying.
It is my mum who is crying.
I am definitely the James they are talking about. My mum, Erica, always cries when anyone says anything bad about me.
When I come into the kitchen, Martha and Mum are hugging. Dad is standing next to them with his arm around Mum’s shoulders. When they realise I am in the room, they all stop what they are doing and pretend to be normal. Mum dries her eyes, Dad runs his hand over the silver-grey hair on his chin … his beard … he runs his hand over his beard.
It is mostly grey, his beard, and every other day he shaves near his neckline because if he does not, his neck gets itchy and my mum will tell him to stop scratching at the dinner table like a farmyard animal.
My family are pretending to be normal because I am in the room but I know they are not being normal.
Mum kisses my cheek and plucks a tissue from her sleeve. She dabs at my face with the tissue, wiping away any trace of her lipstick. Dad asks me if I would like a cup of tea and Martha kisses me on the cheek too, only she does not wipe away her lipstick afterwards. When she is not looking, I touch where she put her lips. It feels sticky but in a nice way. Like she has left part of her kiss behind for me to find later tonight, when I am in bed and dropping off to sleep.
Martha tells me that she had been on her way to see a friend in Leamington when she decided to pop in and say hello.
‘Which friend?’
‘What?’
‘Which friend were you visiting?’
‘Liza.’
‘She’s blonde and smokes.’
Martha nods. ‘Yes, that’s Liza.’
‘I like Liza.’
‘I know you do.’
‘I do not like her smoking though.’
I want to ask Martha why she and my parents are talking so loudly that I cannot hear Friends. I do not ask this question though, because no one is talking loudly any more and because I think I know the answer anyway.
My guess is they were talking loudly because of yesterday – my parents’ fortieth wedding anniversary – yesterday when Martha gave my parents a present that I did not like.
My mum, Erica, and dad, Don, didn’t like it either.
In fact, the only person who liked it was Martha.
She thought it was a perfect present.
The party was at an Italian restaurant in Broadway. A lot of family and friends came. I am not very good with crowds. Too many people. Their talking makes me tired. A lot of people said I looked well. Much better than when they last saw me. They said that it was a good sign. That it showed I was a fighter. My uncle Terry told me I made him proud. I told my uncle Terry that I did not feel proud but I did feel tired. He did not laugh, even though it was a joke. I think sometimes people hear how I talk or see how I walk and think I cannot tell jokes.
I can tell jokes.
Rachel is my favourite one from Friends. She is beautiful. I would maybe like to be her boyfriend one day.
I was sitting at a table with Mum and Dad and Martha and my uncle Terry, and my great aunt who lives in an old people’s home. The food was nice and there was lots of it. I did not used to eat very much but now I do. After The Incident I had to learn to chew. My mum, Erica, used to blitz my supper in a liquidiser and then I would drink it with a spoon. I can chew quite well now and I do not need anyone to cut my food up for me any more. I stay away from beef though, because it is hard to cut and it makes my head hurt to chew it.
I can’t think of the name of the dessert I had. I remember it was made from meringue and cream and fruit. My mum, Erica, didn’t have any dessert because she said she didn’t want to get fat.
At the end of the meal there were speeches.
First Dad stood up and said a lot of nice things about Mum that made people smile and look fondly at Mum. Then Mum stood up and said that she did not like to speak in public and then spent a long time thanking everyone for coming. Then finally Martha stood up and said that she had some words to say too.