—From him? I want him to get better. I really want him to pilot that big robot for us, but he can’t do that if he’s sick, now, can he? So I want him to get better. He seems nice. A nice Ekt.
—…
—That’s a lot to take in all at once, I know. Go get some rest. We’ll talk later.
—Am I a prisoner?
—What? Of course not! You’re free to leave whenever you want, go wherever you want.
—I could leave this building and no one would stop me?
—Your escort will take you anywhere you want to go. Take in the city! It’s beautiful. It’s a lot better than Moscow, if you wanna know what I think. See the cathedrals. Walk along Nevsky Prospect. If you want to visit the Hermitage, I’d love to go with you. I haven’t been in years.
—Can I see my friends?
—That’s a great idea! Why don’t we all have dinner together? After you get some rest, of course.
FILE NO. 2108
INTERVIEW BETWEEN MAJOR KATHERINE LEBEDEV, RUSSIAN MAIN INTELLIGENCE AGENCY (GRU), AND VINCENT COUTURE
Location: GRU building, Saint Petersburg, Russia
—How are you feeling, Vincent? I can call you Vincent, right? You had a lot of wine last night. Wish I could have. Appearances. You know how it is.
—I’m fine. Thank you.
—You barely touched your plate, though. Rose and Eva didn’t eat either. Should I tell them to fire the chef?
—It’s not him. On…Where we were, the people have more sensitive taste buds than we do. The flavors there are a lot more subtle.
—Bland.
—Yeah, that’s how it feels at first. I guess we’ve gotten used to it. I’m sure the food was great. Thank you for dinner.
—You’re welcome! I knew you and I would get along! So glad, especially after meeting your daughter. She’s soooo confrontational! Wow! I don’t think she and I’ll be BFFs.
—You never met her mom.
—I wish I had. I know I’m a few years late, but I’m terribly sorry for your loss. I meant that in a good way, about your daughter, you know. She has character. I like that. How old is she now? Nineteen?
—Yes she is. How’s our friend?
—You mean Ekim? Eva told me. Oh, don’t make that face. What difference does it make if I know his name? He’s not well.
—Do you know what’s wrong with him?
—A lot of things. He’s got the flu, for starters. His immune system is completely out of whack, and he’s infected with toxoplasmosis.
—What?
—I know. The Marine—yes, they’re called marines here too—who got you out of the robot has cats. They tell me about half the world’s population is infected with toxoplasmosis—did you know?—almost everyone in some places. Most people don’t show any symptoms, apparently, but your friend does, a lot of them. And he’s not responding to antibiotics, antimalarials, nothing. To be honest, we’re afraid the meds will kill him if the disease doesn’t.
—Please save him. I’m begging you, find a way to save him.
—You really care about him.
—He’s my friend.
—Are you sure that’s all he is? I thought maybe…
—Yes…
—Nah. You’ll think it’s silly. Ah, what the hell! I like to listen to people, in restaurants, everywhere. My parents were spies, you know, or maybe you don’t know. Well, now you do. Anyway, maybe eavesdropping is a genetic thing. It’s like a game. I try to guess things about people. Sometimes I even think I’m good at it. So yesterday at dinner, I couldn’t help noticing a bit of tension between you and your daughter. I didn’t make anything of it at first, but come dessert I’m thinking Eva’s mad at Daddy for something. What if she’s mad because Ekim got sick? What if Ekim’s the boyfriend? Maybe she blames Dad for what’s happening. Now Dad, he loves his daughter, he really doesn’t want anything to happen to the boyfriend because he feels responsible and he’s afraid his daughter won’t forgive him…That’s it. That’s all I got. Am I close?
—I’m afraid not.
—I told you you’d think it was silly. Are you sure you don’t want some Advil? You look a little pale.
—Coffee would be good.
—What was I thinking? I’ve been up for hours, I forgot it’s still early. Coming right up. Black, right?
—Does it work?
—Does what work?
—That bubbly, friendly routine?
—Oh, that was rude, Vincent. I know. Big bad Russia, right? We’re the bad guys. You might want to rethink that. You won’t believe it now, but you and I really want the same thing.
—How could you possibly know what I want?
—Well, right now I know you really want to get out of here, but that will pass when you learn a bit more about what the world is like now. Where would you go, if you could? Back to the US? Home to Montreal?
—Sounds about right.
—Which one? Don’t answer that. It doesn’t matter. They’re pretty much the same now.
—…
—OH. COME. ON! You’re not even gonna ask? I get why none of you’ll say anything, but I don’t understand why you won’t ask questions. You’ve been gone nine years. Nine years! Aren’t you the least bit curious about what you’ve missed? Seriously, even if I only gave you half the truth, that’d be a lot more info than the diddly-squat you have right now!
—You’re saying the US has invaded Canada.
—No, they didn’t need to. But there are forty thousand American troops there now. There’s a Marine base in Montreal.
—So we’re allies.
—You’re a little more than that. Your parliament hasn’t met in over two years, and your prime minister is assigned to residence. General Scott is running your country. Yours isn’t the only one. Venezuela. Half the Middle East. North Africa too. They just took Libya. The Mexican president was a lot more defiant than your prime minister—good for him—but it didn’t do much good. The United States now extends all the way to Panama.
—How?
—The robot, of course. Lapetus. There’s a big crater in the middle of Mexico City to remind everyone that it was in their best interest to “join” the United States.