“Listen to me, Gilda. His relationship to your brother is no protection. Men cannot be relied upon to curb their desires.”
“I’ve heard that’s true. Just as I didn’t curb my desire to touch his hair. I should apologize to him.”
Freda sighed. “Never mind that. You’d best forget about it. Just be aware of what you’re doing next time. The abbess told me you might need some guidance. At the time, I wasn’t sure what she was referring to.”
They were in the small bedroom they would share, and Freda was unpacking a bundle of personal items as she spoke. Gilda watched for a minute, thinking about why the abbess might have chosen the older nun to accompany her. “Have you had experience with men, Freda?”
The older woman finished her unpacking and sat on a bench beside Gilda. “You aren’t going to drop this subject, are you? I was in love once. A very long time ago. It was the most glorious and painful two years of my life.”
Freda went silent, perhaps recalling those years. “What happened?” Gilda urged.
“He was married, and although he hadn’t lived with his wife for several years, there were children. I would have been happy just to be with him when I could.” She paused a few seconds before continuing. “He feared I would become pregnant and be ruined. So, he spoke with my father. They arranged to send me to court as a lady-in-waiting to the queen. My father hoped I would make a suitable marriage. At court, I became friends with Ermguerrd, and when she chose the monastery, I followed.”
“Did you ever see the man again?”
“No. I heard he was wounded in battle and died soon afterwards. He was a reckless man in many ways, but he was protective of me.”
Sitting in the chapel, Gilda pondered Freda’s tale as she continued to watch for Justin. She wondered if he was being protective. It was certainly in his nature to be careful, unlike the reckless soldier Freda had loved. If Justin experienced any impulsive tendencies, he kept them under control. She knew she must learn to do the same. Being a nun was important to her, and she was aware that she had much more freedom than other women, whether married or living with their family. She also valued the work she did. She couldn’t let anything jeopardize her position.
It wasn’t until Gilda was leaving the chapel that she spotted Justin. When she caught his eye, it appeared for a minute he might hurry away, but he must have changed his mind as he paused and waited for her to catch up with him. They followed the rest of the worshippers to the great hall.
“May I speak with you alone, Lord Justin?” Gilda asked.
“Not now,” he grumbled.
His abrupt answer made Gilda stop. There was no reason for him to be rude, she thought.
When Justin realized Gilda had disappeared from his side, he turned back. He found her seated on a small bench near the open market. The merchants had put away their wares, and the stalls appeared barren without the usual colorful display.
Rather than sit beside her, Justin remained standing, hoping to prevent a long discussion. “What is it?” he asked, impatience obvious in his tone.
Gilda remembered that Freda had discouraged her from apologizing, but she couldn’t think of another way to start the discussion she wished to have with Justin. “I’m sorry I touched your hair. I shouldn’t have done it.”
“You don’t need to apologize. Nothing happened, Gilda. Please forget it,” he said. “Let’s go to supper.”
Gilda didn’t move. “No, nothing happened. You don’t have to worry about my embarrassing you in the future.” Rushing ahead with her words before he moved away, she added, “I just wanted you to know that I intend to curb any desires I might feel.”
Her words made him sigh. Reluctantly sitting down beside her, Justin leaned his head against the wall behind them. “I’m sure you mean well, Gilda. But saying things like that just makes it worse. I realize you have no experience in these matters. I try to be patient, I do. But my patience is wearing thin.”
Gilda grinned. “I thought patience in difficult situations was supposed to be one of your strengths.”
His nod was weary. “Usually that’s true. For some reason, dealing with you seems to be an exception, Gilda.”
“I realize my ignorance in certain areas. I just wanted you to know that. It’s important that we keep our relationship on an impersonal level. Sister Freda is giving me guidance. I plan to do better.”
Startled, Justin turned to search her face. The woman was serious. “You discussed this with Sister Freda?”
Gilda nodded. She’d had the best intentions when she started to speak with him, but for some reason it was hard not to provoke him. Lord Justin took everything so seriously.
“I suppose Sister Freda has a vast knowledge in this area?” he asked.
“As a matter of fact, she does. A long time ago she had a lover. It’s a sad tale, but she shared it with me.”
Justin jumped to his feet, afraid she might give him details of the sad tale. Gilda’s ability to catch him off guard was exhausting. “It’s been a long day. Let’s join the others at supper,” he said.
When they arrived in the great hall, it was crowded, and the meal was already underway. Count Cedric spotted Justin and waved him to a place at the head table. Gilda was about to leave him to join Freda when she noticed the young man seated beside Cedric. She grabbed Justin’s arm before he could leave her side.
“You’re touching me,” he pointed out brusquely.
“Look there, Justin. The man beside Cedric. He’s one of the men who came to Saint Ives looking for Mariel.”
The young man she was nodding toward spotted Gilda. His expression was one of shock when he saw she was speaking to Justin. He leaned over and spoke to Count Cedric.
“You’re right. Is he the same one you saw on the stairs this afternoon?” When Gilda nodded, he added, “I’ll find out who he is and why he was at Saint Ives.”
From her seat beside Freda, Gilda kept her attention on Justin as he spoke with the count. For once she took little notice of the food being passed along the table.
It appeared to Gilda that introductions were being made, and then an intense discussion ensued. She could imagine Justin enquiring as to why the young man had been at Saint Ives, and especially why he had disappeared the next morning without an explanation. The young man stood up; then Cedric spoke to him, and he sat down again. Even from a distance, Gilda could tell the young man was upset. A handsome youth, she judged him to be only a few years older than Mariel. His eyes appeared frantic as he looked toward Gilda again.
“You haven’t even touched your food,” Freda whispered. “Why are you staring at the high table?”
“The young man beside Count Cedric. He looks a bit like the count, don’t you think?”
As Gilda asked the question, both she and Freda saw the object of their study point his finger over to Gilda. Both Count Cedric and Justin glanced in her direction and then leaned their heads toward each other. Their intense discussion continued.
“It appears they are discussing you, Gilda,” Freda pointed out. “Why would that be?”
At her question, Gilda pushed her food away. She remembered the scene in the garden shed and being swept up in Justin’s arms. She prayed the young man wasn’t telling the count that he had found them together, but she felt sure that’s what he was doing. When Justin glanced at her again, there was a strange look on his face. It seemed to hold an expression of concern that Gilda hadn’t seen before.