Fuck, what else don’t I know about him?
“Rai, say something. Maybe I shouldn’t have told you, I’m sorry.” Mable stands and runs her hands through her thick pink hair.
I don’t say anything as I try to process.
Mable falls to her knees in front of me and grabs my hands again. “Who knows if any of it is true? I don’t know these girls. Like at all.”
I stand, not really wanting to finish this conversation with a drunk Mable. “We can talk more about it when you sober up. All I can do is get to know him more.” I grab my shower things and head to the door. I know she’s only trying to help and protect me. I get it. Besides, it’s not the messenger’s fault.
But now my mind races with a thousand new thoughts. Seeds of doubt dig their way in.
Fuck, what a fool I am.
Why would I ever let my heart feel something for someone I don’t know much about?
But you do know him, Rai.
No. No, I really fucking don’t.
And now, I question everything.
Chapter Eight
Raina
A: Yo Sis! What’s crackin’ in the big city?
My mood lifts when I see the text from Anthony.
R: Ant! Finally! U too busy for me?
A: Nah, never. But busy is an understatement. More like swamped.
R: Classes tough?
A: Yeah, I jam-packed my schedule, so next year I won’t need to take shit.
R: Sucks now but it’ll be worth it. How’s ur music?
A: Fuckin’ fire. I want to send u a sample. My production class is mind-blowing. So much cool shit.
R: Yes, def send me the sample asap. I miss u. And home.
A: Ik, Rai. It’ll get easier. I’ll call u ltr ok?
R: Ok xoxo
The early morning sun peeks through my blinds. I hide under my warm cover. Saturday mornings are for sleeping till noon. And on this particular morning, I’m in the mood for one thing. Sleep.
I groan and roll onto my side, tucking my phone under my pillow. Mable’s steady breathing is loud yet somewhat comforting. Maybe if I focus on that, the thoughts in my own head will leave. The same ones repeating on an endless loop.
I miss home.
Why isn’t Levi telling me everything about him? Why did he go to jail?
Was it something bad, like, I don’t know, armed robbery or something? What do I not know?
Maybe he’s lying to me about everything. Telling me bullshit he knows I want to hear.
Could he be sleeping around?
Dammit, I wish I could shut my brain off.
I miss Anthony, Lori, and my parents. All of these emotions bring on a homesickness I didn’t expect, adding on to everything else I can’t stop thinking about.
Should I trust my head or my heart? Or maybe my gut? What do I listen to? It’s not like we’re together or dating, so what does it matter? But what if we did become a couple; is he the cheating type? That’s a hard no for me. Not worth my time. But I can’t picture him as a lying cheater.
I pull my comforter over my head. I didn’t sleep much Thursday night, reliving Mable telling me what she heard over and over.
Friday morning, I dragged my ass to class, half asleep, but I pushed through, crawling into bed as soon as my day was done.
I told Levi I wasn’t feeling well and avoided most of his texts. Stupid and childish, I know. But when I’m upset or need to think, I need space. Time to process alone.
“I’m craving a big stack of warm, buttery pancakes,” Mable mutters from across the room. “Syrup and peanut butter, coffee and…” Her voice drifts off, and I chuckle to myself. She must be dreaming about food.
Last night, we watched funny movies and ate our weight in pizza and junk food. Mable didn’t believe my claims of eating an entire large pizza. But after seeing it with her own two eyes, she promised me dinner on her one night this week.
After staring into space for what feels like hours, I lug my tired ass out of bed and fire up the Keurig. Best graduation present so far, I must admit. I make a quick trip to the bathroom, and by the time I’m back, it’s done.
“Is that coffee I smell?” Mable stirs as I grab the creamer from our mini fridge.
“Want a cup?” I offer while I stir sugar into my mug.
“Silly question, Rai.”
“Yet I still ask it, go figure.” After starting her cup, I take mine and sit down at my desk.
“Got any plans today? I wanted to show you some city sights if you’re up for it.” Mable hops out of bed and slides into her fuzzy slippers. She shuffles to the coffee pot and fixes her drink.
My mood lifts at the thought of seeing the city. “I’d love to.”
“What’s the day today?” She turns and asks me with a curious look on her face. “It’s Saturday, right?”
I laugh at her randomness. “Yes, did you already forget yesterday was Friday?”
Mable snaps her fingers and gulps her coffee down. “Yep, I sure did.”
“Why does the date matter, though? You said there weren’t any plans for today.”
“Hold that thought.” She places her mug down and hurries to the bathroom. I hear her sigh loudly, and I chuckle to myself.
“Okay as I was saying…” Mable wraps her hands around her warm cup and sits on the end of her bed closest to my desk. “Remember I told you about the not so quiet night at Cafe Amore? Well, it’s on Saturdays. Poetry night.”
My stomach clenches. I don’t want to remember.
It’s not that I have anything against poetry nights. In fact, I love poetry, and I often read it to help inspire my own lyrics. I’d love to go listen to others read it.
Just not myself.
And I have a feeling I know exactly what Mable’s next sentence will be.
“I want to go tonight. In fact, you need to come with me.”
“Why? It’s not a part of the sightseeing package, is it?”
Mable smirks at me over the rim of her cup. “No, I just know you’ll love it, and I kinda sort of… signed you up to read.”
My mouth drops open. “You what?”
Mable scrambles to the edge of the bed. “Listen, Rai, it’ll be awesome. This is your chance, your chance to be heard. When you’re up there, everyone is focused on you. Let your amazing work be heard.”
I know she means well, and she’s only trying to help.
Yet I can’t change how I feel.
After I told her several times—my words are private.
They are just that—MINE.
“I told you I wasn’t ready. Why would you sign me up? You knew I’d get upset.”
“I’m sorry, Rai. You don’t see your worth, and you should. You’re—”
I stand with more force than I intend, and the chair falls down behind me with a loud crash that cuts Mable off. “When I’m ready to show the world my worth, then I will. Until then, please don’t force me. It’ll only make me retreat further.” I pick up the chair and push it in.
“Okay, I get it. I won’t overstep again. Will you still go with me? To listen to others?”
I nod. “I’d love to do that. No funny business, though. And first, we see the city.”