An uncomfortable silence hung in the air. Neither parent would look her in the eyes. Jules had always felt like the subject of her adoption was off-limits, and now she was convinced that wasn’t just her imagination. Years of emotions just beneath the surface had bubbled up and spilled out into the open for all of them.
Jules bit her bottom lip. “I’m sorry—I’m not trying to make you both uncomfortable, but I didn’t feel it was right not to tell you.”
Finally, her father cleared his throat. “We always knew this day might come, but after all these years, you never mentioned it again, so we sort of thought maybe you didn’t need to know.”
Her mom’s voice shook as she wrung her hands over the table. “But, sweetie, why do you need to know? What does it matter?”
It mattered to Jules in a way she wouldn’t be able to explain to them. Did she get her laugh from her birth mother? Did her birth father even know she existed? She was tired of endlessly searching the faces of strangers for something—anything—that looked familiar. Finding her birth parents would be like opening the door to reveal all the things that made her who she was, the mannerisms and hobbies and interests that simply didn’t come from the parents who raised her. Suddenly, it would all make sense. She would make sense like she finally had all her missing puzzle pieces. More than anything, she needed to settle the feeling she had been abandoned, unwanted.
Jules knew she couldn’t say any of this to her parents, so she said instead, “I’ve been thinking about searching for a long time, but it always seemed impossible. Now, it seems like I might be able to find them using DNA.”
Her mother clasped her hands around her father’s upper arm as if they’d be a united force if they were connected. “Julianne, we’re your parents. We were the ones at your school functions—the ones who taught you how to ride a bike and took you to get your ears pierced. We’re the ones who cried when we dropped you at college and cheered you on at graduation.” Her voice cracked. “Now it seems like none of that was important. We’re not important simply because I didn’t give birth to you.”
Jules flinched as if she had been punched in the stomach. She had expected her parents wouldn’t love the idea of her search, but this was worse than she had imagined.
“Mom, that’s not true.” Jules’s voice had escalated, and she took a moment to regain her composure. “You will always be my parents. This is just something I need to do. For me. I didn’t fall from the sky. I came from somewhere. Most people know where they started. It just doesn’t seem fair that I have to feel guilty about wanting to know where my beginning happened—and with who.”
“As far as we’re concerned, it began with us,” her mom said, her voice barely above a whisper.
Jules closed her eyes for a moment and took a deep breath. “Mom, you know what I mean.”
Her mother shook her head. “I guess I don’t—”
Her dad interrupted. “Jules, I think this has just come as a bit of a shock to us today. We just need a little time to process this, okay?”
Jules slouched back in her chair feeling defeated. “Okay.” She glanced at her mother. “Mom, I wasn’t trying to upset you.” Jules was starting to second-guess her plans. The look of betrayal on her mother’s face had knotted her stomach.
“Julianne, we love you. As far as we’re concerned, you’ve always been our daughter. I guess—” Her mother’s eyes welled up. “I guess I’m just afraid of losing you.”
Jules’s face softened. “Mom, I’m not trying to replace you. But if DNA can give me a little piece of my history, wouldn’t you want me to find out if it’s important to me?”
Before her mother could answer, her father held up his hand and offered Jules a small smile. “When we adopted you, DNA testing wasn’t even a thought. It takes some getting used to.”
“Do you want me to explain how the DNA test works?” Jules asked, hesitation in her voice.
Her mother shook her head. “I’m sure it’s more complicated than I could understand.” She reached over and put her hand over Jules’s. “It will probably be hard to figure out, so I hope you won’t be disappointed if you don’t find anything. Besides, I’ve heard those tests aren’t even very accurate. I’m not sure they prove anything.”
Chapter Eight
Becky
As Becky sat on the examination table waiting for Dr. Levine, she rubbed her arms to generate warmth.
Some days, it felt surreal to be in the midst of the IVF cycle that could result in her finally getting pregnant. The relief she felt when they decided to do IVF was replaced by panic when Dr. Levine had walked them through the whole process.
Bryan had squeezed her hand as they sat side by side in the consultation. “You can do this, babe. We’re in this together.”
Becky had snorted in nervousness. “We’re in this together, but I’m the one on the pointy side of the needle.”
“This is Kim,” Dr. Levine said as he gestured at the nurse that had sat in with them. “She’ll be with you every step of the way through your egg retrieval.”
Kim had pulled up a chair next to them. “I’m your partner in this process, so if you have any questions, you can call me.” She had directed her gaze at Becky. “It’s up to you how caught up you want to get with the internet. Some patients like to chat with other women for support, which is fine if it helps you. Just don’t get sucked in.”
“Yeah, I’m not really one to do that,” Becky said. “I got off social media a few years ago when everyone I knew was posting pictures of their babies.” She gave Kim a small shrug. “I couldn’t handle it. I don’t have much free time, but I also feel like I’m better off not knowing any of the horror stories. I’m nervous enough.”
Kim had been there, as promised, to answer all her questions. Becky had thought about calling her after the accident, but she felt this needed Dr. Levine’s expertise.
Becky cupped her hands and blew warm air into them. Just as she shivered again on the table, she heard the familiar tell-tale rap on the exam room door. She gave the all-clear.
Dr. Levine greeted her as he grabbed her folder from the slot on the door. “So, how’re we doing today?” He rubbed his bald head as he scanned her folder.
Becky hesitated before responding. “Well, I had a little accident.”
He glanced up from the notes in her file to scrutinize her. She filled Dr. Levine in on the events of the previous night, and he pushed back her hair to see a bruise forming. Becky had conveniently parted her hair so that it was hidden as she swept her thick bangs over it.