This was what I wanted from life.
This was what I thought my ideal world would look like, enough so that I put it into a box that, in my heart of hearts, I thought would give me whatever I dreamed for.
And looking at it, I can’t breathe.
“Zoe, are you okay?” my best friend asks, and I shake my head.
“It’s just a silly piece of paper, right?” I ask with a laugh, but when I look at her, she’s worried.
It’s clear.
She’s worried because I’m slowly having a meltdown.
“Right?” I ask again, this time with panic clear in my words.
“Yeah, of course. Right,” she says, then she takes the paper from my hands, placing it back in the box. “This was silly. I shouldn’t have even . . . It was just—”
God, now Luna is feeling guilty because I can’t keep my shit together, and I’m having a crisis of faith in realizing my life isn’t anything I thought it would be.
“No, this is fun, Lune. Let me see what else is in here.” She stares at me, concern clear on her face, before pushing the box in my direction.
“I think . . . I think I’m gonna make some more drinks,” she says, her face saying things only a best friend can interpret.
Let me get us some drinks because I foresee a long night.
“Good idea,” I say, digging around in the box.
I smile at the friendship bracelets and keychains we made together at camp. I let my fingers run over the thin, flat rock that would have been perfect for skipping if it wasn’t for the fact that it had a white line in the shape of a ‘Z’ on it, meaning it instantly turned into a prized possession for a ten-year-old girl.
An old, dead Tamagotchi is at the bottom, along with a picture from Luna’s 14th birthday, all four of us in the photo.
Tony on one side, his best friend and Luna’s brother on the other, Luna and me in the middle.
I remember us deciding we’d redo the photo one day when we were all married.
A knife that I haven’t even acknowledged in years twists.
What is wrong with me? I think, continuing to dig.
And then I find it.
My playlist.
Or, really, my Love Story Bucket List, as I called it back then.
It started in 2014 with Debut.
We added to it in 2018 with Fearless.
And for each release after that, until the box went missing, we added to it.
I look at the list, the knife twisting more as I see my girly handwriting start to change over the years, along with my expectations.
I never stopped writing that list, even after it was lost, keeping a secret “love bucket list” as a joke in the notes on my phone.
I’m opening the app when Luna comes in with two drinks—ones I know will be sweet enough to temper the large amount of alcohol in them because Luna has that face.
That let’s drown your sorrows in liquor and then have Tony take us to the diner for hangover food in the morning, face.
I don’t let myself acknowledge that I want that.
And then I admit to myself that I want someone who will drive me to get hangover food in the morning at my favorite local diner in my hometown, a place where they never even give me a menu because I know what I want at any given time of day after years of trying everything.
“Do you have a pen?” I ask, grabbing the paper and leaning over it.
“What?”
“A pen. Do you have one?”
“Zoe, are you okay?” she asks quietly, like I’m a feral cat and she needs to approach me carefully.
But I am.
I’m better than I think I’ve ever been.
Except for the fact, of course, that my life is literally nothing like I thought it would be.
Because I think . . . I think my life is boring.
Safe, even. And not in a good way.
Young Zoe would be disappointed.
But I can change that, right?
“I’m great,” I say. “I just need a pen.”
Because the right place to start when having a mental breakdown is with a killer fucking playlist.
ZOE’S LOVE STORY BUCKET LIST
Only me when I’m With You
Go stargazing
Our Song
Shotgun with crazy hair
Fearless
Dance in a parking lot
Love Story
Throwing pebbles at the window
Sparks Fly
Kiss me in the rain
Treacherous
Drive through the night on a trip
You Are In Love
My best friend
Dress
Wear a dress I know he’ll want to take off
I Think He Knows
His hand on my thigh in the car
Daylight
Watch a sunrise together
Cardigan
Makes me feel special when I feel average
Invisible String
It has to feel like it was always meant to be.
Gold Rush
Wander a little beach town in love
Sweet Nothing
Someone who wants sweet nothing.
TWO
YOU BELONG WITH ME
-ZANDER-
One week later
The first time I fell in love with Zoe, she was scream singing a Taylor Swift song in my parents’ living room while my sister Luna laughed at her.
At least, I think that’s the first time.
It’s happened so many times now.
That’s what’s running through my mind as I stare at my phone.
I’m standing in the back room, waiting for the clock to hit five.
It’s been a long day.
A long day that included following a man who was supposed to be visiting a sick aunt to a strip club, helping a woman who locked her keys in her car in a parking lot, and my sister sending me this frantic text to tell me a fact that, to be honest, I’m not quite sure what to do with.
RED ALERT! ZOE BROKE UP WITH JEFFREY.
I don’t know who Jeffrey is.
Not really, at least.
But I definitely know who Zoe Thomas is.
Sometimes, the world gives you people that, from the start, you know they’ll be there forever.
For my sister Luna, that’s Zoe Thomas.
Which means, like it or not, Zoe is in my life forever, too.
So, of course, I know who Zoe Thomas is.
She’s my sister’s life-long best friend.
My boss’s daughter.
The woman who, over multiple occasions over multiple years, I thought there was a chance I’d eventually end up with her.
And now she’s single.
Allegedly.
And?
My sister is four years younger than me, the biggest nuisance of a sibling you could ask for, and, ironically, married to my best friend.
And now is your CHANCE, Zander!