“Accepting this doesn’t make me like your bat slave or something, right?” I ask.
He raises an eyebrow but looks amused. “I don’t have any bats, but if I did, it might,” he teases.
“Hmm…” What a suspicious man. He’s handsome, as are most vampires—I think there’s something about becoming a monster that just draws us humans to them. Like they were mostly all humans before becoming vampires, so why are they now so attractive? Maybe it’s because humans are drawn to danger. Unless maybe there’s a rule that only the sexy ones are allowed to be changed and the others get culled. He has short blond hair, a neatly trimmed darker beard, and light blue eyes that pull me in, even though I know I should be wary of him, being a vampire. “Well, thank you for that. I was having a pretty rough day, so I really appreciate it.”
“Of course,” he says as the woman holds out the smoothie. I take it, give the man a smile, and head over to one of the only remaining tables. At first, I think the vampire is heading toward the door to leave before I realize he’s rushed over to pull it open for a mother trying to get her stroller through the door while everyone else watches. He’s suspiciously kind.
Weirdly kind.
He has to be up to something.
As I pull out my book, I notice the vampire make his way over to a bookshelf, and I wonder why I’m still watching him. It’s not like he’s just going to snack on me right in the middle of a café while he’s already sucking down some morbid-looking blood. No one else seems fazed by him, but that’s because vampires around here aren’t that uncommon. There are two just within my sights. I grew up in a neighborhood where half of them were vampires.
I peep at him from over the top of my book as I sip my strawberry smoothie. When he continues to do nothing entertaining, I decide that maybe I will read and stop fixating on creepily nice vampires.
“Do you mind if I sit here?”
“Holy fuck tits!” I cry as I realize the vampire is like an inch from me. My book goes flying through the air, but he expertly catches it before it lands.
He looks a little alarmed at my cry. “I didn’t mean to startle you. All the other tables are full, and I was just wondering if I could read in this chair?” he asks as he points at the second chair at my table.
I lean back and give him my best “casual” look. “You didn’t startle me. I’m unstartleable. But yeah, sure. Have at it. It’s your chair now,” I say as he sets my book back into my hand. “Looky there, you even saved my page.”
“I do pride myself on keeping a book in pristine condition,” he says with a grin as he opens his bag and pulls out a book titled Daisy’s Unicorn Adventures and starts reading.
I stare at the man in pure confusion. I’m going crazy. My neighbor’s weed farm has invaded my air ducts and I’m high. I have to be. What or who is this man?
“Are you…” No. That’s not nice making fun of someone’s book. But my god. The vampire’s like six foot something, suckling down blood, and smiling about unicorns!
The vampire must notice my staring and probably assumes I’m a pervert at this point because he lowers the book. “I’m sorry, were you meeting someone? Do you want me to leave?”
“No! No… is that like one of those fake covers you slap over something that’s hardcore erotica with like tentacles and testicles?”
He flips his book this way and that before nodding. “Most definitely. Shall I read you a line?”
“Please do.”
He dramatically clears his throat. “Daisy couldn’t believe what she was seeing! This unicorn had a mane and tail made of rainbows!”
“Oh my god. Is the unicorn going to fuck her? I was wrong about the tentacles. It’s unicorn sex, right?”
He starts laughing and I’m surprised by it for some reason. I think I’d let my guard down and forgotten that I was fraternizing with a vampire. “No! At least I hope not. This is for grades one through three. I mean… it’s been a long time since I’ve gone to school, but I hope that’s not what they teach.”
“Sadly, it’s not. I would have done so much better in school if it was.”
The vampire turns the book around. “Look. There are even pictures!”
There’s a cutesy drawing of a young girl overlooking a whole herd of unicorns.
“Do they draw the sex scenes too?” I ask.
He flips through it before looking disappointed. “Maybe in the next book.”
“I’m sorry. I really shouldn’t be teasing you about your book choices. I was just… surprised is all.”
“Nah. My niece used to be an elementary school teacher and she loves these children’s books. So I was sampling a few of them to see which she’d like best. I do have to admit that I might be hooked on this one, though. I really want to know if Daisy can rescue the dandy unicorn or if Billy will capture it and slice its horn off and grind it into powder.”
“Wait, what? Are you exaggerating?”
He shakes his head as he flips through the book. “Nope. It’s horrifying. Everyone in all of the land knows about Billy and his meat grinder.”
“You have to be making this up,” I say.
He smiles. “A little bit. What about you? What are you reading?”
“Misery.”
“Isn’t that about the lady who is so obsessed with an author she ties him up and abuses him to make him write for her?”
“It is.”
“Man, and you’re judging my unicorn book. Sounds dark,” says the vampire who feasts on blood.
“The world is generally a dark and slightly fucked-up place. Like today, for instance, I stepped on my cat’s tail. That shit damages a person right in the soul. The way she cried and looked at me…” I shake my head. “I’m honestly not sure I’ll recover.”
“I’m sorry to hear that. Was the cat alright?”
“Oh, she was fine, but it still hurt my soul.”
“Yeah, I get that. There’s nothing worse than someone innocent getting affected,” he says, and the way he says it makes me wonder what experience he has with this. Maybe he’s only pretending to be nice and he’s evil and collects human skulls or some shit. “What was your name?”
“River. You?”
“Bentley. River’s a unique name.”
“My brother said my parents had sex in the river, which is how I ended up with that. His name is Clay, though, so I’m not sure I want to know where he was conceived. My mom’s really into nature and my dad couldn’t care less.” Talking about them makes me miss them, but I can’t let that stop me. “What about you? Did your parents fornicate in a car to make you?”
“Ah, no, I was actually created before the Bentley. Maybe the horse drawing their coach was named Bentley, though,” he teases.
I’d assumed he wasn’t that old because the older ones are generally more stuck up and less prone to just being nice to humans unless they want to eat them.
Maybe he wants to eat me.
I glance down at my watch and realize I’ve already been here half an hour. I guess talking to random vampires kills time. “While I’d love to chat about you being named after a horse and the unicorn porn you’re reading, I have to get going. I really do appreciate the smoothie, though. What if I paid you back? Are you a regular? I could get your drink tomorrow.” What the hell am I doing? I’m just starved for interaction, right? Maybe I’m just tired of being lonely and forcing feral cats to be my friend because I have no one else. But he’s a fucking vampire.