The question was rhetorical, and I simply sat, waiting for him to come to his own conclusion.
“I think the answer is an easy one.” Grey turned to look at me, his eyes showing pure sympathy. “Yes, of course you’re obsessed. The man you loved was killed. You’re a cop, Dani. Once the sadness stage of grieving is done, and you’ve moved on to anger, it’s natural to want to seek revenge.”
“You didn’t answer the question.”
“I don’t know what’s considered out of hand anymore,” he said. “Someone else would probably say yes. Am I concerned about you? Yes.” He looked me up and down. “I think it’s dangerous to have you so invested in...” He waved a hand around my apartment. “In this.”
“How can I not?”
“You’re a born cop. It runs in your family,” Grey said. “That’s why I won’t try to stop you. I’ll only ask that you include me. You shouldn’t be doing this alone.”
“I don’t want to drag anyone into this.”
A flash of anger, a hint of disappointment, crossed Grey’s face. He withdrew his hand from my arm, where it’d migrated to rest easily on my wrist. “Involve me? Dani, I’m already involved. My name is in those files. I’ve been standing by your side as much as you’ve let me from the very beginning. Of course I’m involved.”
“I’m sorry.”
“And I love you, Dani.”
The words hung in the air. Grey looked a bit shocked the second the words came out of his mouth, as if he hadn’t expected them to be there. He stood, paced up and down the front of the room. When I opened my mouth to speak, he raised a hand and instructed me sharply to stop.
“Don’t say anything,” he said. “I know you don’t feel the same way.”
“That’s not...” I hesitated. “I care for you, a lot.”
“I know that.” Grey rested a hand over his chin. “And that’s what I’ve come to accept. I didn’t mean to... I wasn’t going to say anything. I’m sorry.”
“You don’t have to apologize for how you feel,” I whispered. “I just wish I could say more.”
“I wouldn’t want you to. There’s too much else going on. Matthew was just murdered. I—I’m sorry. That was inappropriate of me to say. I shouldn’t have put that burden on your shoulders.”
“Grey, please.”
“Where’d you hear about Nathaniel?”
The change of subject was abrupt. Final. I swallowed, feeling an ache in my gut that I couldn’t return the sentiment Grey so desperately wanted. But it would be unfair to him, to Matthew, to myself. I wasn’t in a position to love anyone just yet. My heart was still broken, and it would remain so for a long, long time.
“You’ve heard of the man?”
Grey’s face clouded. “He is no man. Where’d you get his name?”
“After our talk this morning, I went to visit Ursula. She had a key to Sienna’s house, and I poked around a little bit. I found letters.”
“From Nathaniel?”
“Yes. Do you know him?” I asked, confused. “Is that... is he your source? What is he?”
“A legend,” Grey said, returning to the sofa. His long legs bent, easing himself gracefully next to me. The talk of Nathaniel seemed to have pushed the rest of our personal talk to the backburner for the moment. “I don’t know if it’s a good legend or a bad one, not yet.”
“Have you met him?”
“Thankfully, no,” Grey said. “He takes his residence in the Dead Lands. Supposedly, he’s one of the most powerful necromancers ever to have lived. Unfortunately, he’s neither good nor bad. He belongs to a different... state all together. His loyalties are to the necromancers—not to the world of good magic or black magic.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Nobody truly understands,” Grey said. “I haven’t heard of anyone who’s met him and survived to tell about it. Some say he’s living. Others say he’s dead. Some say he’s a spirit, a ghost at this point. Others say he’s merely a myth.”
“Which do you believe?”
Grey bit his lip, staring into a distance that I couldn’t see. “I can’t honestly say.”
“Someone like that, so infamous, could he really be nothing but a myth?”
“What are myths made of?” Grey shrugged. “I’m not sure. But if he’s real, and if he’s living, and if he was talking to Sienna, nothing good will come of it.”
I scratched at my leg, hesitant to air Sienna’s personal letter with someone else. I trusted Grey, and I wanted his help, his opinion. But something held me back, at least for the moment.
“How does one find this Nathaniel?”
“I don’t know,” Grey said. “But you’d have to go through the Shadow Station to get there, and that’s one place that you do not want to go.”
“The Shadow Station? Where—or what—is that?”
“It’s a stop between life and death. No living person goes there without a desperate, desperate need. And if they make it back...”
“What?” I asked. “What happens if they make it back?”
Grey lifted one shoulder uncertainly. “I’m not sure.”
“Because you’ve never known anyone to do it successfully?”
He gave a half-shrug again that didn’t totally confirm or deny anything, but I sensed that would have to do for now.
“What did the letter say?”
I hesitated.
“I won’t say anything,” Grey said. “But if there’s a chance Sienna is involved with Nathaniel, she might need our help.”
“Nathaniel begged her to come home,” I said. “He made comments about how her job here was a good one, but that they needed her there. To serve as commander?”
Grey simply closed his eyes.
“Do you know what that means?”
“You know how I just told you that Nathaniel is neither good nor bad?”
I nodded.
“His allegiance is to the Dead Lands. The necromancers. They have their own small city there, and though there are few of them, they have a leader. A commander. Nathaniel was asking Sienna to return to their city and lead her people.”
“I didn’t know she’d ever been there.”
Grey just shook his head. “Me neither. Were there other letters?”
“Yes, but nothing pressing. Most of it was just chatter about life, how she was doing, things like that. I almost didn’t even finish reading them because I figured it was a personal friendship with someone. Until I saw that letter. One of the last ones.”
“When was it sent?”
“About eleven months ago.”
Grey considered this, again staring deep into some distance that only he could see.
“Do you think she went there?” I asked. “Would she consider that place home?”
“No, I don’t think she’d consider it home,” Grey said. “But Sienna is a necromancer. And despite our best efforts, sometimes the call of our kind is strong. For you, it’s your family. For me, it’s the Elderwolves. Even Matthew, who was a loner by many accounts, couldn’t deny what he was.”