Shelby’s words help a little, but I’m still on edge.
“As for his family not liking you, well, people don’t always like other people. But that’s not on you. Look at how I don’t like Lily Johansson, and she doesn’t like me. Of course, I have a good reason not to like her, but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t also think she has a good reason not to like me. People come with hang-ups that are unrelated to you. So if his sister is a psycho who wants to cut off your pretty face, why take that personally? She’s probably just mental.”
Sighing, I’m emotionally exhausted. All my life, I’ve felt unloved. My mom wasn’t mean or neglectful, but I never felt her acceptance. My little sister seemed lost in her own world that didn’t involve me. I know a lot of those negative feelings were in my head. My mom and Max have always loved me. They’ve proven their loyalty in a million ways during the last few years, but my old hurt feelings linger. Now I’m walking into a new family, where I’ll feel left out and on my own.
Shelby must realize I’m still wallowing in my fears. She takes my hand and sighs. “Lana, if you go to Elko, everything could be awful. You could find out he has six girlfriends, and he’s a huge asshole, and his kids are brats, and his sisters are cunts, and they all fucking hate you. He might be rude to Desi and forget Carina’s name. His club could stink as if they’ve never bathed ever. The entire fucking town could suck so bad that you’ll never return.”
After pausing to let the worst-case scenario set in, Shelby finally adds, “And if that happens, you’ll be sad, and it’ll hurt to know your dreams about Bronco weren’t real. But you’ll also have your family and friends to love you for you. If you never want to see him again, you won’t have to. If you never want him to see Carina again, I’ll have him killed. It’s just that simple.”
I smile at her tough-girl expression, but then that dark feeling returns. “I see what Max has with River. I never knew people could love like that. I could discard their relationship as a fluke, you know? But Shane is insane over Ramona, and Goliath follows you around as if you’re the world to him. That’s not the kind of love I’ve ever known. I loved Kenny, but I also wanted to move out of the house and get away from my mom. I didn’t love him like you love Goliath. I never knew I should love someone that way. Now, though, I’m craving what I see other people have. But I also know I’m not the kind of person that sort of love happens to.”
“Why not you?”
“I don’t know,” I say, shrugging. “I feel as if I’m not like other people.”
“Like you’re not as good?”
Lowering my gaze, I’d be too ashamed to admit these feelings to anyone else. “I guess.”
“But I think you’re awesome, and I’m incredibly petty with other women. Look at my irrational hatred for Lily Johansson. She’s probably lovely, but she rubs me wrong. With thirty-six people living in this house, ignoring you would be easy. Instead, I seek you out because you’re awesome. Everyone you let into your heart knows you’re great. You deserve love as much as Max or anyone else.”
“It’s not as if I resent my sister’s happiness.”
“Of course, you do,” Shelby says, and I feel like crying again. “I resented Shane’s happiness when I was trying to make Goliath love me. He fell for Ramona so quickly. Right away, she looked at him as if he was a miracle. I know Shane thinks he worked hard for her love, but my baby bruv is full of shit. He won her heart so fucking easily. When Goliath kept pushing me away, I resented Shane so much. Ramona too. And Max and River. Just fucking everyone. It’s human to feel that way. It’s not as if you take out your feelings on Max. You shouldn’t shame your heart, Lana.”
Shelby runs her pinkie over her sleepy daughter’s pouty lips and then refocuses. “Now I don’t know much about Bronco Parrish. But he could have handled today in a lot of ways. Most men would have played things cool until he got the DNA test back. But you said he treated you well and wanted to hold Carina. I say getting your hopes up a little over someone who acts that way isn’t such a bad idea. Besides, dreaming big is never a mistake. Let your heart want more.”
Her words calm me down. I’ve experienced plenty of pain and disappointment in my life. Even if things with Bronco never turn out as I hope, I still have so many blessings. Two years ago, I was with Kenny, working too much, taking Adderall to keep moving. I never spent time with Desi, and I was quietly estranged from my mom and sister. And I didn’t have a single friend I trusted. My life now is a million times better.
That’s why I’m relaxed by the time Desi runs into the house after her grandma picks her up from school. She immediately seeks me out and asks if Carina is okay.
“A girl at school said her baby brother died,” Desi says, peeking in on her sleeping sister. “She wasn’t sad, though. She said babies stink.”
“Some people are weird,” Shelby explains as she packs up to head to her rental home. “I bet that girl is sad, but someone told her not to cry because the baby is in heaven. Then that girl keeps all her feelings bottled up inside until one day she freaks out. Then another girl, you maybe, has to punch her in the face to calm her down. It’s a story as old as time.”
Desi grins at Shelby’s dramatic sigh. My daughter is rarely unhappy. Even when she gets upset, helping her smile again is so easy. I wish I had paid more attention to her growing up. I was always working or sleeping or running errands. Kenny and his bitch mom basically raised Desi. I don’t know how she turned out so amazing when she had such bad people taking care of her.
“Did Carina’s daddy think she was cute?” Desi asks after hugging Shelby goodbye.
“Yep. He wants his family to meet Carina this weekend.”
“They can’t fit in the house,” Desi says and pulls down her blonde hair from its ponytail. “There’s no room.”
“We’re going to visit them.”
“Me too?” she asks, showing a tiny bit of fear.
“Of course.”
Desi runs her fingers over my cheek. “Who’s his family?”
“He has two daughters and two sisters who want to meet Carina.”
Desi’s smile disappears. “Daughters? I’m not Carina’s only sister?”
“No, but you’re the sister that lives with her.”
Smile returning, Desi doesn’t care about the details. She wants to go out and play with her Chihuahua mix, Zathura, before dinner. I sit in the TV room with Carina while prepping myself for this weekend.
I’m not perfect. But I’m not weak or a bad person. I will not be pushed around by Bronco’s family. And if one of them cuts off my pretty face, I’ll send Shelby to Elko for revenge.
BRONCO
When the Marks ran Elko, they named everything after a member of their family. There were statues of Freddy Marks in parks. He named restaurants after his various wives. The laundromat was named after the second Missus Marks. The mall was named after number three. I always assumed the more he liked a woman, the better the location picked to be named after her.