I had always known I was a social introvert. My problem was never with people and feeling comfortable around them in general. I preferred being around smaller groups or specific people I instantly relaxed around. Evelina fit the latter, and then there was the fact that I had held on to one friendship. So much so that there had been no space for anyone else.
I sighed to suppress the bereft feeling of living or being without Ashraf, my best friend, my anchor.
“Welcome to my place,” I replied, regarding her carefully as she sashayed without care, halting in the middle of my living area and taking a three hundred and sixty-degree survey of my place of abode. Yes, my home was fully unpacked and homey. This was because although I had made the permanent move two days earlier, I had been moving my things gradually two months prior.
“How on earth can you afford this?” She questioned, following my initiative to sit down.
“My brother,” I replied. She didn’t need to know that on my own, I could still afford it thanks to the blood money my brother made sure I had.
I frowned with a pout when I became aware of the slip. No one could know about my brother or the father we shared, and yet I had let a little truth slip out. My shoulder impulsively stiffened, on guard.
“And you couldn’t have told me that before now?” There was mock betrayal etched on her face. “So this brother of yours, is he hot?”
I corked an eyebrow, not expecting the change of subject or direction that it was headed.
“I mean, if the genes that run in you run in him, I can only imagine,” she quickly added, using her hand to form an hourglass in reference to the curves on my body.
My face melted into a million expressions, but I settled on a shrug because it was all I could give. I couldn’t even tell Evelina who my brother was, and so it would have been pretentious to egg her on.
“He could be my rebound guy,” she piped in, using a mock valley girl accent.
My eyes widened. “I thought you were sticking to your father’s rule of Light skinned latinidad guys only.”
“A rebound guy, not fall in love guy,” she replied with an eye-roll. It was then I noticed she was trying not to laugh, which made me see that she was being jocular. I mock glared at her, as she finally let out a loud chuckle.
“Hey, you did make that much too easy for me, and apart from Jayce, there’s someone else who is also not Latino but…I don’t know if my father’s rule is ever going to last.”
I pressed my lips together because she was right. Intent on changing the subject and not prying into her personal life, which she was all too willing to share, I asked, “Is there an explanation as to why you are this early? Are we like having dinner beforehand or something?”
She rolled her eyes and was about to say something when her mobile phone chimed. No one could have missed the stiffening of her spine when she looked at the caller ID. For the bubbly lady I met hours before, she looked like she wanted to crawl into a hole. I stood up instantly, noting that she wouldn’t look up. So, I decided to give her privacy.
“I’ll be in my room while you take that. It’s fine,” I insisted, not leaving any room for protest.
She finally looked at me; her eyes plagued with turmoil, gratitude, and then some. I vaguely heard her answer the call, conversing in Spanish before closing my room’s door behind me.
After a short while, I felt rather than heard my door being knocked on, a sixth sense, like how one could sense when someone was watching them. “Come in,” I called out, sitting up and resting my back on the headboard of my bed. I was hyper-aware that I was inviting her into my most personal space. Once again, I was proud of the monumental social steps I was taking, which I knew would shock Ashraf.
The first thing I noticed when she walked in was her eyes. They were sad, red, and pregnant. The phone call was as tumultuous as her facial expression, I gathered. I immediately sat up some more, feeling on edge.
“May I?” She asked, using her hand to point to my bed. I nodded without hesitation.
“Do you know why a lot of people find it easy to talk to shrinks?” She asked.
Confusion ripped through me at the odd question. I disliked hearing or talking about anything therapy.
“I wouldn’t know.” I simply replied. This was because I had tried that and it wasn’t easy. It was impossible for me, so much that the counsellor and I quit on each other.
She chuckled, shaking her head in amusement. “Of course, you don’t. I’ll tell you anyway.”
She spread her face into a soft but sad smile.“I think it’s not just that therapists are trained for you to talk to. It’s that they are strangers who know nothing about your life. They can’t judge you based on the small or big picture, but only based on what you tell them or what you don’t say. It’s exhilarating. For me, at least.”
Evidently, she was conversant with them. I didn’t agree, but I said nothing, still wondering where she was going with it.
“So, can you pretend to be mine for a bit?”
I swallowed, wondering if I was the first person in the world who was turning into a confidant within a few hours of meeting one another. But then, there was nothing new under the sun. I gulped again, nodding as permission because, I didn’t feel like I had any other option.
“I think I just had a life-altering phone call,” she started.
I stayed mute, indirectly giving her the go-ahead to speak on.
“My papa, he never was okay with me dating Jayce or any of the others I have dated. He always has someone in mind for me, none that I would ever give a second glance, well except this one guy who I know I like. He’s not latinx but he’s lighter than me. But, knowing my father would approve of him makes it so….” she paused, short on words.
I nodded, egging her on.
“And it’s not just that. It’s how he wants to always be so in charge of my life. He wouldn’t let me breathe on my own if it was optionable.” She stopped, winded, proceeding after a frustrated exhale. “I didn’t lie when I said Jayce and I broke up. But I just thought..I..er…I…” She stuttered, gathering her words while I looked on, convinced that she didn’t need to be interrupted.
“I just thought it would work. That with time, I would somehow undo their colourist ideals. After all, shouldn’t all they want for me is to be happy with whomever? But then, I knew better; I knew their version of happiness does not vibe with mine, and yet I did the opposite of better,” she said in one go, frowning like she felt stupid.
“I knew it, and I was still caught by surprise at papa’s reaction because guess what? He’s cutting me off because he thinks I’m still dating Jayce,” she explained, looking amiss and still shaken by the news.
My eyes widened again as I watched her shake her head as if trying to shake off a delusion or dream.
“Apparently, if I want to live my life on my terms, then I’ve got to do it in every aspect of my life. And now I’m feeling too proud and stubborn to tell him none of it was even true. I mean for what—his money?”
She bowed her head in disappointment. “I know his money is also an expression of his love, but it’s also to buy my loyalty. For him to continue to use his coins as leverage over me.”
“Oh,” was all I could fathom to say.