She paused as if to give me the time to absorb her instructions as my mind continued to calm.
"Think of something that brings you calm. A scene, picture, or memory of a place that brought absolute joy to you at one moment in time. Then close your eyes until I tell you to open them."
I did as instructed while I scurried through my memories in an attempt to discover something that always brought me fulfillment. A trickle of a scene came to my mind, and I allowed my eyes to close as I recalled the few memories I had with both my parents.
It was so long ago and brief, but the moment I recalled it, the threads of loving hope, the images flowed all around me. Sometimes I debated whether it was a dream or reality, but the emotions the scene brought were raw and real.
We lay upon a blanket that was surrounded by roses, red petals floating through the night sky as the rich scent tickled our noses. Our spirits were high, free of any worries and stress while we looked up to the starry skies that twinkled and delivered us a magnificent view.
That was the night of a meteor shower, and my mother encouraged me to make a wish.
Even after all these years, I still remembered what I'd hoped for. The dream I had as I closed my eyes shut at the first falling star and wished with all my might.
Let my family always be together.
"Open your eyes, Alice."
I allowed my lids to rise up, and I took in the first fallen meteor that shone above the starry sky in my sight. The view baffled me as I realized I no longer lay upon the long chair, but there I was, on the red blanket surrounded by the beautiful roses and floral aroma.
Moving my head to the side, there was Autumn, lying upon the very blanket I was. Her attire was the same, only her antlers were gone as were her glasses, leaving her beautiful, blazing eyes that flickered at my shocked gaze.
"Autumn?"
"Yes, Alice?" she calmly replied.
"How are we here?"
"You envisioned a place of peace within the depths of your memories, and this was chosen for our session," she revealed.
"We can stay here for a while?"
"As long as you need us to," she assured me and looked up the sky as more meteors began to fall. "It's a wonderful sight, don't you think?"
"Yes," I replied as I returned to staring at the miraculous sight. The sparks of hope it brought back as a child hadn't changed as I appreciated the view like I had back then.
We watched the meteor shower in peaceful silence and it seemed to bring forth many emotions that I hadn't fully acknowledged.
"I'd wished way back then that my family would always be together. It was such a simple wish, and yet it meant so much to me. It was like my soul wished for that more than anything, or maybe it knew what was approaching for us. I'd be lying if I said I didn't lose hope in wishing when my mom decided to leave. The few times she visited were brief and she didn't really acknowledge me. All it did was hurt Dad more, and I wondered if I was but a hindrance who brought pain to him."
I paused as if to ensure I was walking down the right path of my thoughts.
"When school started, that mindset of mine never went away. I'd wish that school would go well, and by the end of the week, I'd be sitting in the principal's office after another incident. Again and again, I'd be waiting for that prime moment that would land me in the same hard chair that faced the principal while waiting for my grandparents to pick me up. It was like a constant cycle and even though it was beginning to have so many negative effects on my mindset, I didn't want to give up. There just had to be a school out there that was meant for people like me. A school with a principal who saw how exhausted I was with the constant transfers and weight of defeat that seemed to make a nest on my shoulders."
I blinked and lifted my hand up to spread my fingers out as they stood out from the starry sky. "When suicide began itching in my mind, it never really was a thought of my own. My peers told me to disappear. To die and stop being a hindrance to the world. They would say how sorry they felt for my grandparents, especially my grandma who'd go above and beyond to try and fit into yet another community for my sake."
I rotated my wrist to stare at the lines on the palm of my hand while I frowned in agony.
"It happened so often and followed me wherever I went, to the point that it made sense to believe them. It felt like the truth because the world around me was repeating it again and again. I thought if I found a school that was meant for me, I'd be able to finally prove to my grandparents that I wasn't a hindrance after all. That it wasn't solely me being the problem or acting up. It was the environment that didn't want me to thrive and move forward."
I tried to smile, but I knew it wouldn't reach my eyes, which were beginning to sting.
"Before Blazing Academy, I was finally at my peak. I was so tired of trying again. Exhausted with carrying that piled weight on my shoulders and allowing my hopes to rise and be knocked right down. I'd worked so hard for years to try to clear this negative aspect of myself that the community who barely knew me made...it almost felt criminal for me to want to attend any school because the image of who I was to everyone still remained, regardless of the changing environment and people. I felt like I was suffocating. Like no matter how high I put my hand up for salvation, no one would ever see it...and it was hella lonely to endure."
My voice trembled as I lowered my hand and stared upward.
"Then out of that darkness came Blazing Academy. A school that embraced me. Blazing Alice. The girl who always caused accidents. The girl who had her nose in a book and was a smartass. The girl with anemia who got bullied all the time for being different from the rest. Like the light of a flame, Blazing Academy became my safe haven and I secretly begged for it to not go away. I prayed every day that I wouldn't lose Gabriel, Keru, or Westley, even though we'd just met. I hoped Professor Daily would still stick around and not mind having me in his classes, and I wished really hard that Headmaster CloverSpell would remain because she was the only administrative person who wanted to listen."
I looked over to her to see her sad eyes, and I smiled.
"The one person who took the time to hear how hard it was for me to keep playing this game. To keep striving to please other's expectations. I don't think my grandparents realized that, nor were they prepared for me to be given a chance somewhere else. When I started, I couldn't wait to prove to them that I deserved to go to a school that acknowledged me. That wanted me to achieve greatness in comparison to all the ones that looked down at me before giving me a chance to spread my wings and fly."
Returning to viewing the stars, I blinked and allowed the tears to fall as I whispered, "I was supposed to prove to them that I survived one semester and did good. I was able to save my classmates and friends instead of being mocked and laughed at for being a disturbance. I hid my anticipation for the morning to come that saw Grandma climb the ladder and finally have that conversation I was anticipating. The night went on and suddenly, boom. All of that was taken away from me with the pull of a trigger...and it all points to me being in school. Every catastrophe since my mom left seems to be related to me trying to find where I belong in this system of life...and now I'm not sure what to do."
"What option would you take if it didn't have consequences?" Autumn quietly asked.