“Maybe all this worry is just a proxy for what’s really bothering you,” she says.
I give a harsh laugh. “You’re right. I’m worrying about nothing—unbound magic isn’t that illegal, my mother’s bones aren’t that lost, the Charmer determined to kill me isn’t that evil.”
She purses her lips and glares at me. “Are you done?”
“Yes,” I say. “So what do you think is really bothering me?”
“I think you’re trying to avoid how much leaving Midwood will make you feel even further away from your mother when you’re missing her so much already.”
Tears prickle at the backs of my eyes. This is so like Ami. To take my worries from me, package them in her unique brand of love, and hand them back to me in a way that makes me feel truly seen.
“What if this is a huge mistake?”
She shakes her head. “It’s not. You’re doing the right thing, Sas. Talk to Bram. Ask him to keep your confidences. And then find your mother’s bones and bring her home.”
The twilight melts into darkness, and finally we walk back to my house, where we talk until we drift off to sleep.
I wake at dawn and gather my things, moving as silently as I can. Then I pause and let my eyes scan across this room with so many memories. My parents cozied in front of the hearth, giggling and whispering like a pair of intendeds even though they’d been married for years. Sitting near the window with Gran while she brushed my hair in long, careful strokes. My mother hunched over her spell book, her lips pursed in concentration.
And now Ami, lying with her hands pillowed beneath her cheek, her face smooth and unworried in sleep. I rest my palm gently on the crown of her head, careful not to disturb her. If she wakes and I have to say goodbye again, I won’t be able to force myself to leave.
My whole life, I’ve wanted nothing more than to stay in Midwood forever. But now, if I want to find my mother’s and Gran’s bones, I have no choice but to leave. I’m standing at the intersection of twin miseries—no matter which way I turn, sadness will follow.
Right now, Ami is the only person in the world I trust.
And I have to leave her behind.
Chapter Two
I was worried about time alone with Bram on the journey to the capital, but it turns out I have the opposite problem. I barely see him at all. Norah sends a wing-fleet vessel full of Breakers from the Ivory Guard to escort us to Kastelia City. I’m constantly under watch, and Bram spends most of his time playing games of dice with the crew and the off-duty Breakers.
It’s both a relief and a disappointment. Even though I know I should keep my distance, the pull toward him is almost irresistible. But I keep reminding myself that my feelings aren’t real. They’re just a remnant from a life I never lived. If my other path actually had any influence on this one, Bram would feel the same way, and it’s obvious he doesn’t. When we see each other in passing, he waves and sometimes even smiles, but his eyes only flick to mine for a moment before continuing his conversation. He’s friendly without being affectionate.
But his indifference toward me poses an even bigger problem than my wounded pride. I’d planned to talk to Bram about keeping my secret, but so far, the two of us haven’t been alone for even a moment.
I spend much of my time on the deck—icy wind in my face—gazing toward home. When I took the journey to Ivory Hall on my other path, did I feel this alone? As if there’s not a shoulder in the world where I can rest my head?
As we get closer to the capital, my anxiety grows until I feel as if I’ve swallowed an entire hive of bees. I’m not going to get an opportunity to talk to Bram unless I make one. We’re never going to be alone. I wasn’t looking forward to this conversation when I thought we’d have privacy, but imagining broaching the subject with spectators around makes me want to launch myself overboard and sink to the bottom of the Shard.
I find him the next evening, as he’s finishing a meal with one of the other Breakers. The two of them lean back in their chairs, hands clasped loosely behind their heads. As I approach, their laughter dies off in a way that makes me feel like an interloper.
I rub my palms on my pants to dry them. “Can I talk to you for a minute?” I ask Bram. My gaze slides to the other Breaker. “Alone?”
“Sure,” Bram says, standing.
His dining partner raises his eyebrows and gives us both a knowing look that makes my cheeks go hot.
I grab Bram’s elbow and pull him far enough away so the Breaker won’t be able to hear us.
“Saskia, what’s going on? Is everything all right?”
I shove my hand into the pocket of my cloak and curl my fingers around Gran’s healed bone. I couldn’t bear the thought of leaving it behind, and now I cling to it like a lifeline. “We were matched on my other path.” The words fly out of my mouth before I can stop them. It wasn’t what I intended to say—not exactly. My already-flushed skin now feels on fire, and I wish I could melt into the deck and disappear.
Bram’s eyes go wide and then he starts laughing. The sound stings like a slap.
“Why is that funny?”
“It’s just—you and I—that seems … an unlikely pairing.”
My fingers unconsciously circle the love tattoo around my wrist, which is as bright as it was the day it appeared. “Yes, well …” I stammer.
“Well, what?” His voice is still full of humor. “Why are you telling me this?”
Now that I’ve seen his reaction, I’m asking myself the same question. I guess some part of me was hoping his feelings were similar—an unexplained closeness that he can’t account for. A longing to be together that makes no sense. But I’m being ridiculous. My feelings aren’t real. Not in this life.
I stare out at the water, shimmering in the gentle light of the setting sun, while I gather my thoughts. Then I turn back to Bram. “I just wanted you to know that in some version of reality, you cared about me. That you wouldn’t want to see me harmed.”
“I don’t want to see you harmed in this reality,” he says. “We’ve had our issues in the past, but I’m not a monster.”
“I know, but you’ve seen things that could get me in trouble. That could sully my mother’s legacy.” I can still picture the shock in his expression as he watched me do a reading on Gran’s healed bone after my mother had died.
But you aren’t trained, he said when I prepared to prick my own finger. Are you?
I’m trained enough.
My cloak suddenly feels too tight and I tug at the collar. “I just want to make sure you won’t betray me.”
The amusement vanishes from Bram’s face, and something dark flashes across his expression so quickly, I think I might have imagined it.
“Of course I won’t.” His voice is gruff.
I don’t know if I can believe him. Ami advised me to trust my gut. But what if my gut doesn’t know the difference between this reality and any other?
My fingers twine together so tightly that my knuckles turn white. “No one can know about my other path,” I tell him, my voice low and urgent. “No one can know that my mother taught me bone charming.”