“I feel like one of my friends ignored me. I’m hurt that she didn’t return my calls or texts for months.” Anger boiled in my chest, anger I didn’t realize I still had.
Riley started picking at the fabric on the arm of her armchair. “I shouldn’t have done that. I just…” She met my eyes. “I got carried away. I shouldn’t have dropped out of contact. You’re right about that. So, I’m sorry for not returning calls or texts.”
Some of my anger fizzled. “Thank you. I’m sorry I kinda blew up at you at the fair.”
“You got really defensive,” Riley said.
I thought about it. Had I gotten defensive? I chewed on my thumbnail as I went over it again. “Okay, I can see that. What you were saying made me feel like I was doing something wrong.”
She leaned forward, resting her elbows on her knees. “If that’s all it took, then maybe that should tell you something.”
My shoulders grew tense as anger bubbled up again.
“Riley, you said you would state what you’re worried about in a positive way,” Jake reminded her.
Riley looked at him and nodded before turning back to me. “I’m worried that you haven’t thought that much about this.”
I let out a deep breath. Just tell her, she’ll either understand or not. “Not thought about it? It’s been on my mind for months. Ever since I realized it, it has kept me up at night. I’ve had panic attacks over it. I’ve been terrified it would tear them apart from each other. I’ve felt everything from guilt to planning on going into homeschool so they’d never have to see me again if they decided to not try the dating option. Believe me, I’ve thought about this.”
“She’d wake up in the middle of the night after having a nightmare about it and call me,” Jake added. “All of them dating has been in the works for some time.”
“Okay, you’ve put a ton of thought into this,” she conceded. “But that doesn’t mean it’s right or even okay.”
I closed my eyes as my back tensed up even more. After several deep breaths I opened my eyes. “What’s so wrong about it?”
“What?” Riley looked at me as if I’d grown a second head.
“If we all agree on rules, if everyone consents, if we trust each other enough to give this a try… why would it be wrong?” I asked carefully.
The café was oddly silent as she thought about it. The clink of dishes, the hiss of a coffee maker were the only sounds.
Eventually she sighed. “Okay, when you put it that way, it’s not. Not on paper. But using those guys like this—”
“What did you just fucking say?” I bit out through clenched teeth. The tension between us practically crackled.
Jake intervened before Riley could say something. “Deep breaths, Lexie.”
I took several deep breaths while Riley’s eyes unfocused.
When she focused on me again her face was a calm mask. “That came out wrong. But Lexie, you hide behind those guys. Ever since January.”
Everything I was went still. My heart even seemed to stop beating as she continued.
“You stick them around you like guards and hide from the world.” She shook her head. “You barely try to make new friends anymore.”
I swallowed hard. She knew about what happened at the cabin. I had told her. But right now, she was on very thin ice. “What does January have to do with that?”
“The guys make you feel safe.” She licked her lips. “And I think you’re mistaking that for being in love.”
“And why would I do that?”
“Because Zeke can trigger you and you don’t want to deal with those memories. So, maybe, subconsciously, you’re reaching out to the other guys to help you heal enough to get to Zeke.”
I clenched my fist and held onto my control as emotions tore through me.
“You’ve thought about this a lot,” Jake said as he glanced at me, checking to see how I was reacting.
“Well, yeah, my aunt’s a shrink and I asked her if it was possible for someone to love more than two people.” She shrugged. “She said yes, but she said this is more likely.”
I ignored them while my mind raced. Is that what I was doing? I thought about each of the guys and how they made me feel. Yeah, I’d always had a connection with Zeke. But it wasn’t just him. It was with all of them. Each one a separate strand to my heart. I was willing to sacrifice myself for Isaac. I would have done the same for any of them. I was willing to drag somebody to the Veil and leave them there to die to find Ethan. And I’d do it again. For any one of them. I loved them all. I lifted my head and met Riley’s eyes as I felt it all the way to the center of who I was. “No. That’s not what I’m doing. I’d rather lose them all than treat them like that.” I leaned forward and rested my elbows on my thighs. “And the fact that you don’t know that about me worries me.”
“I thought I knew you.” Her voice grew harder. “But doing this to them, using the others as a stepping-stone to Zeke… that’s not the person I thought you were.”
That anger turned cold and slipped away as I held her gaze and made sure I spoke clearly. “I’m in love with them. Head over heels, way in over my head, heart pounding, crazy to try, wildly in love with each of them. As terrifying as it is to love that many people that much, to let that many people in… I’m not going to walk away from it because you can’t wrap your head around that.”
Her eyes narrowed on mine. “So, you are dating them?”
I gave her my mischievous shit-eating grin. “You bet your ass I am.” I got to my feet and headed out the door, leaving all the doubts I’d ever had at the table with Riley. They weren’t mine anymore. I was in love with my guys. That was that.
I pulled up to the house just in time to watch movers carrying a couch into the house next door. My cousin Tara was laughing with some guy around our age at the property line. Her straight blonde hair was back in a ponytail, her pretty face smiling in the fall sun.
The boy I’d never seen before. There was nothing that stood out about him at all. Though… a new family on the block? It made me jumpy.
When I opened the front door, Hades was waiting for me with his tail wagging. I scratched my baby’s ears. Hades was still my huge love of wrinkles and skin, even though he’d been drooling a lot more often than usual. The Neapolitan mastiff had finally stopped growing when he reached my hip.
“Hey, baby.” I rubbed his ears. “Did you have a good day?”
Hades gave that half woof that I took for a yes.
“Hey kid,” Rory greeted from his bedroom door as he walked out with wet hair. “Have you seen Tara? We have that dinner with my dad tonight.”
I set my bag down on the kitchen table. “She’s out front talking to someone. Our new neighbor, I think.”
He nodded as he picked up the mail off the table and started going through it.
I moved to the table and ran my fingers over the back of a chair. “So, who’s moving in?”
He lifted his head, his face patient. “I’ve already done the checks. The Greens just got to town. It’s a father and son. He’s an accountant and his son is going to be a senior this year.”