“What are you eating? And Fred, what are you doing here?”
“Chocolate-covered clots! Want some, Mercy?” Fred handed the bag to me.
I looked inside. “This is disgusting. Doesn’t the blood inside go stagnant?”
Fred shook his head. “The trick is to mix the blood with castor oil and bring it to a boil. Have to do it fast, right after extraction. It retains its flavor and it preserves the soul inside for like a month.”
I made a gagging motion. Just the thought of it was almost enough to make me hurl.
“They’re amazing!” Hailey asked, reaching over and sticking her hand in the bag Fred had handed me, retrieving three chocolate clots and popping them in her mouth.
“Look at him, Hailey. How do you think he got that way?”
Hailey shrugged. “I’m young. My figure can handle it.”
I shook my head. “Fred, you never answered my second question. What the fuck are you doing in my house?”
Fred’s eyes widened. He raised his index finger. “That’s the thing, Mercy. You said I needed to do something different with myself. And it was inspiring.”
“So you decided to come over to my house and bring all your bad habits with you?”
“Mercy, you have to try this game!” Hailey exclaimed.
Julie shook her head. “How the hell did I bury myself in a hole? Fred, help me out of here!”
“It’s in creative mode, Julie. You can fly out of there.”
I looked at the screen. “This game looks like shit. I mean, I thought video game graphics had improved over time.”
Fred rolled his eyes. “You don’t get it, Mercy. It’s blocks. Everything in the game is made of blocks. And you can make almost anything out of blocks!”
“It still looks like shit,” I said. “If you’re going to play games, play something cool. Like Castlevania.”
“Castle-what?” Hailey asked.
Fred nudged Hailey. “Old-school Nintendo game.”
“The graphics were better than this.”
“No they weren’t,” Fred said. “You’re remembering it wrong. That was a two-dimensional scroller. This is a three-dimensional open world! And you can make your own world from scratch.”
“Can you guys just hurry and beat the game so Fred can be on his way?”
“You don’t beat this game, Mercy,” Hailey said.
I cocked my head. “If you don’t ever beat the game, then what’s the point?”
“You create your own adventures,” Fred said, chomping through a mouthful of chocolate clots, which made a disgusting smacking sound as he spoke. “The possibilities are endless!”
“Yeah,” Julie said. “Look at this. You can fight zombies!”
I shrugged. “You can do that in the real world. And those things don’t even look half as scary as real zombies.”
Zombies were technically close cousins to vampires. It was the aberration that happened if the human who was infected with a vampire bite managed to survive through the start of the transformation but died before it was complete. Then, of course, zombies could reproduce themselves more easily once one was made. A zombie bite would infect a human, then the rot would spread throughout the body. Once it reached the brain, the human was effectively zombified. But it all started from a screwed-up transformation. It’s one reason amongst many why it’s generally recommended that we don’t attempt to sire other vampires unless we’re well prepared and have a way to ensure that the youngling can survive the complete transformation. It’s also another function the Vampire Council used to serve—the punishment for creating a zombie without approval was a century under the stake, which was tantamount to a hundred years wandering in vampire hell. That was when there was a council, anyway.
“You know, I can make zombies,” Julie said.
“No you can’t. Zombies are like half-baked vampires.”
Julie smirked. “And you vampires are the product of Baron Samedi, no?”
I nodded. “Yeah, so.”
“We work with the Loa, sister. And I work with the Ghede. We can revive the dead with the power of the Ghede. They become essentially the same thing in the end as your half-baked vampire-zombies. It’s just a different method of making the same thing.”
“And you’ve done this?” I asked.
“Not personally. But when we make zombies, we can control them. One advantage of our method over yours.”
I shrugged. “We can control them. Some of us can, anyway.”
“And you’ve tried this?”
“Well, Sort of. Long story. After Vilokan flooded, I tried to revive the vodouisants who had the aspect of Samedi.”
“And they became zombies?”
“At first,” I said. “But then magic got involved, all kinds of shit went down, and they ended up completing the transformation into vampires. Most of them are dead now. One of them was actually Hailey’s sire.”
Hailey shook her head. “Don’t call him that. He was just a sperm donor.”
“Sperm had nothing to do with it, Hailey.”
Hailey cocked her head. “Blood donor?”
“He didn’t give you blood. He took your blood.”
“Bloodsucker, then. Whatever. It’s the concept that I’m getting at. The point is, I never knew him.”
“And you guys think I was a fuck-up because I stay inside eating and playing video games all the time?” Fred asked, smiling wide.
I winced.
“He sort of has a point,” Hailey said. “Don’t get involved. You don’t end up having to deal with shit like zombie armies and demon plagues.”
“Not getting involved in shit doesn’t mean shit doesn’t happen.”
“So what?” Fred shrugged. “Shit happens.”
“Which is probably going to happen a lot very soon if you keep eating those chocolates with castor oil in them.”
Hailey dropped the one she was about to pop into her mouth. “Castor oil makes you poop?”
“Of course it does,” Fred said. “It’s a laxative. But it’s worth it!”
Hailey shook her head. “Vampire shits are not worth it. Not at all.”
I laughed out loud. Yes, vampires poop. Of course we do. But not very often, which is a good thing, because it’s not especially pleasant. Particularly given our usual diet. Unless we choose to eat human food—which we can—we don’t get a lot of fiber. And most vampires don’t bother with human food except on special occasions. We can enjoy the taste, but when your stomach isn’t used to something, it never settles exactly right. It’s a problem, it seemed, that Fred managed to overcome.
Not that anyone really cares to know about how vampire bowel movements work. But let’s face it: everybody eats. Even vampires. Therefore, everybody poops. Read the book.
“See what you did, Fred? You’re teaching my little sister bad habits.”
“She’s your little sister?”
“Not biologically. Not even by having a common sire. But in all the ways that matter, yes.”
Fred nodded. Popped a chocolate in his mouth. “My condolences, by the way. I just heard.”