I slowly let out a breath of air, grateful for the descending darkness.
Before I could even relax, new light hit me – thick and bright pink like a summer rose. I held my breath as the new light flooded the field. Would each of them make a pass? I was shaking from the tension and the cold, willing myself to be still, while trying to listen to Osprey’s breath. Was he still breathing? My bees hadn’t killed him, had they?
No, his breath was still warm on my hand.
The pink glow faded, and I relaxed into the darkness, letting my hand fall from Osprey’s mouth and letting my body sink into his. It felt like an invasion of his privacy – especially when he was unconscious. But there was only so much room in this little hollow, and I was getting colder by the moment. Maybe he’d be grateful to be warm if he knew what was happening.
I huddled next to him, trying to keep still as one bird after another passed over us. I thought there must be an end to them eventually, but as night deepened, it only seemed to go on and on. My heart beat wildly and the only way to calm my breath was in the memory of that kiss, so sweet and so overwhelming all at once. That might be the only time I ever felt like that. Especially now that I was married to Juste. Would Osprey still want to kiss someone who had married his brother – even if it was against her will? Maybe not. And that made it all the more special.
I felt that familiar sick sensation every time I remembered how I’d been married against my will – my agency violated, my freedom stolen. I waited for the nausea to pass.
We were so vulnerable here – just a heartbeat away from our lives being over. The moment I stepped out of this tangle of willows, one of these birds would see me and in hours the Wings and Claws would descend on me and drag me back to their lord and master to be caged until I died as his wife. Juste had told me himself that if that happened, I would never leave his side. I would remain there – forever tortured – until my life leaked away.
But at least I’d have this one warm memory filling me with remembered heat until then. And I’d have this stolen night beside Osprey. I tried to remember every detail. To treasure every moment here at his side, resting in his warmth, close enough to touch him almost as if he were actually mine instead of utterly unattainable. And as I lay there, I pled for his life to the skies and stars. It felt as if my prayer went up and up past even the skies, past even the ever-watchful stars to whatever lay beyond. And if there was some great being beyond, then I prayed that he was real and that he would listen and give Osprey the faith to keep fighting.
I pressed my cheek against the cloth of his jacket, letting the softness of the wool and the embroidery contrast with the scratch of the willow branches and grass surrounding us.
As the hours passed, his breath grew more and more labored, his chest heaving with every breath drawn in, and there was nothing I could do but shed hot tears, remain still, and plead to whatever lay beyond for healing, that the wrongs done to him might finally be made right. That justice might be possible.
I could feel my bee working in him – just under the surface of his skin, burning hot and bright and working, working to slowly take in and digest the tangles of Forbidding that bound him. It was drawing energy from me in a thin stream that I could feel as it leaked out. That was fine. He could have all my energy. He could have all of me if it could help. Give it to him, please.
There was a heat in my chest and a series of pains radiating from the feather in my chest that made me think he really was taking some part of me.
But if anyone or anything heard my prayers, there was no answer. And as the first rays of morning light finally tainted everything with a dull hue, my heart sank. It was light now. And I still had no way to run and without that, no better way to hide.
The feather in my chest grew heavier and hotter by the moment. I let my hand reach up and press against it, trying to hold in the pain that made my eyes smart with tears. I tried to think of physical things to ground me. My hair was in my eyes. Osprey’s breath stirred it – especially when he was agitated in his sleep and it gusted out a little rougher. My neck was getting sore from being pressed against his chest at an awkward angle. The air was cool, and my breath felt moist compared to it. The grass smelled of summers past. Every detail helped keep me there in that moment instead of worried.
A vision rocked me, and I was looking from the honeycomb in Juste’s belly, watching a grizzled Claw with wings of white in his tightly curled black hair listening silently and grim-faced as Juste spoke to him.
“... a state of martial law in every city of Far Stones. It’s the only way to prevent this from happening in other places. We must restore order and the law, General. We must ensure that our people thrive in peace and tolerance. Send birds to every city. No one is to be out of their homes past dark on pain of death. No one should leave their homes for anything other than strictly necessary supply trips and those should be direct and brief. We must have cooperation from everyone if we’re to ensure order. Do you understand?”
“As you say, Le Majest. And the rioters?”
“Round up those you can find. We will execute them in the morning.”
I blinked back to reality and found myself shivering and not just from the cold.
At least the spirit-birds weren’t soaring overhead as often. When there was a break from them, I whispered strong words to Osprey and to my bees, hoping for healing for both of them, for strength. For endurance.
“Be relentless,” I begged them. “Be more than others think you are. You do not need to be bound. You can fly free.”
My words rang hollow in my ears. I was such a failure. I’d failed to save my dad or my family from the crown. All my bold words, and I’d failed to save myself. The general I’d risked everything for was insane. Ivo was very ill. My brother and Zayana were stuck caring for both of them. The revolution had started – but the wrong way. If I’d just followed Ivo and Osprey’s lead, maybe that wouldn’t have happened. And I’d taken this big huge gamble that I could save Osprey and that had failed, too. I was failure upon failure upon failure and the thought of that stung deep.
And now I was branded, tied to Juste, and thoughts of him made my belly clench and ache. I felt like I might be sick. And at the same time I felt guilty, as if he had stained me somehow by marrying me and made me unfit to be lying here next to Osprey or kissing him last night, and the more I thought about it the more the shame of who I was now tainted that beautiful memory of Osprey’s soft lips against mine, of his gentle sigh and glorious eyes and I felt empty and aching.
Empty and lost and scared and aching and aching and aching.
Even with the dawn, the constant surveillance of the spirit-birds didn’t end. My muscles began to cramp from tensing and fear. My head began to spin from worrying so much. If I didn’t move soon, they would send Claws on foot to sweep out from the city, and then how would we escape? If I didn’t move soon, I’d go crazy from second-guessing double-thinking everything that had happened. If I didn’t move soon, it would be too late. And yet I couldn’t leave Osprey here. He muttered and moaned, tossing irritably now that dawn had come.
I bit my lip and watched him, worried about how the pain might be affecting him. I reached out to my bee inside him and felt the hum of it resonate through me. With it, came a sense of healing and warmth and the feeling as if a warm thread reached from me to the bee, drawing from my strength and health to fuel the work the bee was doing. I let out a long breath. At least it was trying.