And Rodney eventually stopped trying.
I could feel the distance growing between us and I started to panic.
My family was already making plans for the wedding. Guest lists were being drawn up. My parents couldn’t stop talking about how amazing Rodney was and how lucky I was to have him. They welcomed him into the family, and he hadn’t even officially proposed yet.
Maybe a part of me just wanted him to do it for the sake of my family’s happiness. I wasn’t thinking about myself anymore.
Then one night, he said he was going to cook for me.
I had a good feeling about it. I was sure it was going to be the night. I dressed up for it. Makeup. Hair. The whole shebang.
When I ended up at his apartment, I saw that he’d arranged for a candlelight dinner. Soft music played in the background. He handed me a glass of wine. There were cheese and crackers for appetizers.
We sat down on his couch together, and I was expecting him to get down on one knee at any moment. Or had he put the ring in the dessert?
I was excited just because I was waiting for this moment. I wanted to tell Gigi. I wanted to tell my parents. I wanted to see the ring he had picked out for me. Now when I look back at it, I feel so stupid. How could I have been so stupid? I wanted that ring on my finger for all the wrong reasons.
Rodney never got down on one knee. Instead, he settled down beside me on the couch and said he had something big to tell me.
He looked me straight in the eye, holding his wine glass up like he wanted to hide his mouth as he spoke.
“Rodney…what’s going on?” I muttered. Pretty quickly, I realized he wasn’t going to ask me to marry him. It was something more ominous.
“Ella, I want you to know that you mean the world to me. I don’t think I have ever been with a girl who is more beautiful, sexier, and smart and kind and all that. You believe me, don’t you?”
I didn’t have the courage to reply, so I kept staring at him.
“But there is someone else. I met her recently; she’s Ernie’s friend. You know Ernie, right?”
My face had burned that day like never before. I thought my skin was going to peel right off. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Rodney was breaking up with me. He’d met someone else!
“You want to be with her. Is that what you’re saying? You’re done with me and you want to be with this new girl?”
“Ella, I will never be done with you. You will always be the most important person in my life. I want to make a family with you, remember? But you’re right. I want to be with her too. And I don’t want to cheat on you. I don’t want to do it behind your back.”
I could feel the tears brimming in my eyes. I was going to burst into heavy sobs. I could feel them swelling in my chest. Not crying in front of him that night had to be one of the hardest things I ever had to do.
“Well, I guess I should thank you for not cheating on me. Is that what you want to hear? Praise? For doing the right thing and not being a jerk!”
“No, Ella, that is not why I’m telling you all this. I mean it. I’m serious when I say I want to be with her. But I don’t want to lose you either. I want to marry you.”
“What are you talking about, Rodney? You can’t be with both of us. You have to make a choice!” I was screaming at him. My nails dug into my palms as I held my fists clenched tightly.
“Yes, there is a way, Ella. You just need to open your mind and you will see.”
“You’re crazy.”
“No, I’m not. We can work through this. You and me. I am not a jealous person. I love the fact that people admire you. That men want you. As long as you are committed to me in the long-run, I don’t care if you want to…you know, have some fun. Maybe we can come to some kind of arrangement.”
I was so shocked that I jumped off the couch. My hand flew up to my mouth. I didn’t fully understand what he was saying but I sure as hell didn’t like the sound of it.
“I can see you’re panicking…” Rodney continued.
“You’re suggesting that we should have an open relationship. Are you serious?” I screamed.
He sat back, looking up at me calmly as he sipped some more of his wine.
“I’m not a big fan of labels, Ella, you know that, but yeah, essentially, that is what I’m suggesting. We can both have our separate lives but be committed to each other. No judgments.”
“What you’re suggesting is insane. I would never do that! You want me to share my boyfriend with some other girl. Share my future husband?”
“What we have will always be the same, Ella. It might even be strengthened.”
I was shaking my head. I could feel my hands shaking a little too. I felt like I was close to collapsing to the ground.
“I can’t do this. Rodney, what has gotten into you? Why would you even suggest something like that? You’re making me sick.”
“I’m making you sick? You think there’s something wrong with me?” This time his voice was raised too. Something had shifted in his attitude and I could sense he was losing his calm. “That’s very rich coming from the girl who refuses to take off her clothes in front of her boyfriend of six months. Do you realize you’re the one with the problem?”
His words were like a sharp slap to my cheek. I tried not to gasp while I stood there staring at him.
Rodney’s eyes softened for a moment.
“Come on, Ella, you know how it is for a guy. How difficult it is. Maybe if our relationship was different…more intimate, I wouldn’t be looking for attention elsewhere.”
“So now you’re going to emotionally blackmail me into sleeping with you?” I snapped.
Rodney sighed and leaned his head back on the couch. He wasn’t happy. This wasn’t how he’d pictured his proposition to go. What else did he expect? That I’d jump at the opportunity to be with other guys?
“You know the problem with you, Ella, is that you’re too uptight. You haven’t really seen the world. You don’t know what other people do, how they are. You’re clinging to your virginity like it’s some kind of family heirloom.”
“Rodney, please, just stop.”
“We could be happy, like really happy, if you would just open your eyes and see.”
I turned from him and ran out of his apartment then. I didn’t want to hear any more of this. Every word of it was making me sick and I just wanted it to stop.
But just because Rodney made such an appalling suggestion and gave me a shocking ultimatum didn’t mean that I stopped loving him right then. That is not how feelings work, right?
But now, as I stand in the shower and stare at my wrinkly fingertips, I can’t remember what that felt like—to be in love with Rodney. All I feel when I remember him is shame and anger. I can’t believe I fell for a guy like him.
I find fresh clothes for me on the bed outside the bathroom. When I finally step out, I see Morgan is home. He’s playing with Hudson and the house is filled with laughter. Gigi sees me and comes rushing up to me.
“Morgan is taking Hudson out for a walk.”
“He doesn’t have to leave; I think it’s time for me to go back to my place.”
Gigi grabs my arm by my elbow and holds me back firmly.