Two hours later they were standing in the smelly hallway of her mother’s building. They had already decided the smell was a mix of pot and fish.
“I’m not knocking, you knock,” Dani whispered.
“I’m holding coffee and presents, so if you want me to knock, you’re holding all this stuff.”
Her sister scowled, huffed and puffed, and then reluctantly knocked on their mother’s apartment door. Their mother opened the door minutes later, as far as it could open considering the amount of junk, and squealed, pulling them both in for a group hug. “My girls,” she yelled. Allie tried to keep the coffee from falling and refused to make eye contact with Dani, who was currently making gagging faces.
They followed their mother into the small kitchen, trying to weave in between boxes and garbage. “It’s like we’re visiting a future episode of Hoarders,” Dani whispered.
“Shh and sit down,” Allie said to Dani, who was standing in the doorway with more attitude than usual on these visits. Their mother was trying to clear the table from the assortment of magazines, lottery scratch cards, and dirty dishes. A few minutes later she sat down, and Dani reluctantly followed. Allie tried to concentrate on the smooth taste of her coffee, which was from the place Ethan had now gotten her hooked on, and not on the fact that their mother, whom she’d called the week before to arrange the visit, hadn’t bothered cleaning up or getting out of her robe. It made her angry, not for herself, she was over that, but for Dani. She was already regretting forcing her to come here today.
Their mother was staring expectantly at the bag. Allie sighed and slid it forward, forcing a smile on her face. “Merry Christmas, Mom. It’s from Dani and me.”
Their mother smiled like a kid on a sugar high and plucked the red tissue paper from the bag and dug in. Her smile faltered as she read the title of the Dr. Phil book, but the gift card and chocolates were well received. “Whole Foods…sounds fancy.”
“It’s a little bit of a step up from the 7-Eleven,” Dani said. Allie kicked her under the table, but their mother wasn’t even following.
“Thank you so much, girls.”
“It’s all from Allie,” Dani said, slinking back in her chair.
Her mother took a sip of coffee, not the least bit offended. “I wish I had better news for you girls, but this has been a really tight year for me.”
“Here we go,” Dani said, a little too loudly.
“And I wish I could have bought you presents.”
Dani leaned forward. “Let me guess. You gave it all to your douchebag boyfriend, who spent it on the slots?”
Allie shook her head and shut her eyes for a moment, but not before seeing her mother’s face crumple into tears.
“He should have won. And if we had won, I would have given you girls half of it. That’s what I’d love to do for you—wait a second,” her mother said, jumping up. She rifled through a kitchen drawer that couldn’t fully close because it was filled with so much junk. She grabbed something and then spun around to face them, holding it behind her back. Allie groaned inwardly. “I do have something!” She marched over to Dani and placed a pack of Christmas M&Ms on the table in front of her.
Allie placed her elbows on the table and lowered her head into her hands, blocking out her mother’s smiling face, and braced herself for the fallout.
“You have got to be kidding me,” Dani said.
“You don’t like them?”
Allie leaned forward and tried to get the conversation back on track so she didn’t have to dwell on the fact that their mother had just attempted to pass off a forgotten pack of M&Ms as a carefully thought-out gift. “Mom, you know you don’t have money to waste at the casino.”
Her mother sniffled into a threadbare tissue and sat down. “Oh, I’ve learned my lesson, Allie.”
Dani let out a choked squeal.
Her mother stuttered for a moment and then began speaking. “I know this must look bad, but things are really picking up for me. I have a job interview next week, and Bill does, too. And you know I hate to ask for anything, sweetie—”
“Really? You ask Allie for things all the time.”
Allie braced herself for whatever was coming; she didn’t even bother telling Dani to be quiet.
“I just need five hundred dollars to cover rent, and I promise to pay you back.”
Allie shut her eyes for a moment, forcing the sound of her mother’s voice into the back of her mind, along with the sound of Dani’s chair sliding against the linoleum floor. Five hundred dollars. She wanted to yell at her, shake her. She said it like five hundred dollars was so easy for her to come by. She wanted to yell and say how dare she ask her for money when she was raising her daughter. She opened her eyes and stared at the gifts she’d bought for her. She slowly looked over at Dani and was sorry she’d dragged her here. It’s not that she’d expected their mother to have made a major life change, but she’d hoped for…something. Something that might give Dani a little bit of peace.
It was time to go. She stood up. Her mother whispered her name, wrapping her hand around her wrist. “Allie remember, remember I helped you. I was there when you needed me most.”
Allie paused, looking down. She hated this. She hated that Dani was watching so closely. She never should have brought her here. Allie squeezed her eyes shut for a moment, trying to not think of the event that her mother spoke of. There were so many things Dani didn’t understand. She opened her eyes, not looking at her sister. “I, uh, I can give you a check,” she whispered.
“What?” Dani yelled. “Mom, you know we were in a fire, right? Like, there’s no extra money?”
Her mother was wringing her hands, her gaze darting around the room. She was looking for a bottle. “I know…and I’m really sorry I couldn’t take you girls in.”
“We wouldn’t have come here anyway.”
“Dani, wait for me by the door,” Allie said, taking her checkbook from her purse.
“You’re a weak, spineless coward, Allie! I can’t believe you!”
Allie clenched her teeth, pausing as she stared in her bag. Her stomach rolled uncomfortably. She forced a deep breath. “Go to the door. Don’t speak to me until we get back to Ethan’s.” Dani stomped off to the front door.
Her mother’s hand grasped hers. “Thank you, Allie.”
Allie stomach started rolling again, and she pried her hand away from her mother’s. She didn’t want to be touched. She took out her pen, wrote the check, and placed it on the table.
“Merry Christmas,” Allie said, then walked out the door. She stood in the hallway for a moment. Dani was waiting in front of the stairwell. She tried her hardest to be the bigger person, the wiser person, because that’s who she’d had to be her entire life. She walked toward her sister, wishing for someone to walk beside her, because she’d always walked alone. Right now it was like everything was falling apart, worse than ever, and she just didn’t feel like trying to be cheerful or wise. She wanted to have her own meltdown. She hated that her mother still had that hold over her, that with just one reminder, she could bring Allie back to the most vulnerable time in her life.