My shoulders slump. I feel like an asshole. Hell, I was an asshole. “Well, this changes things.”
“It doesn’t have to. Listen, I don’t want you half in. In means you’re on board to be the best dad you can be. Which means joint custody or weekend visits. Visits you never miss.”
I blow out a breath. I’m a sheriff. I can’t always dictate when I’m needed.
“Within reason,” she adds, confirming she knows what’s going through my head. “But I don’t want a ring. I don’t want a relationship with you. I’m strictly talking about you being a dad. I will warn you though. Either you’re one hundred percent in this or you’re out. There’s no room for in-between.”
I down half my beer, my eyes glued to hers. Her straight back and eyes of steel show me how passionately she loves our baby already.
“I don’t back away from my responsibilities. I don’t remember the condom breaking, but I didn’t exactly check it either.” Lesson learned on that one.
“Again, Fisher, that isn’t what I want to hear.” She runs her hands over her stomach. “I’m not assuming you’re going to get down on your knees and kiss my belly, but this isn’t taking out the trash or doing the dishes. Babies need to be nurtured and cared for and most of all loved.” She slides out of the chair, and I move to help her, but she quickly shoos me away. “I have to pee.”
She goes to the half bath on this level, shutting the door behind her. I lower back down to my seat, twirling my beer bottle around on the table.
Me. A fucking father.
I’ve struggled to wrap my mind around it during her entire shift, but I can’t visualize myself holding a baby, much less changing a diaper. I’m not the lovable guy. The one who wears his emotions for all to see. The one who would shower his son or daughter with love. That one scares me the most. But I meant what I said—I don’t walk away from responsibilities. I’ll figure it out.
The bathroom door opens behind me and she’s so quiet I barely hear her walking across the floor. “Listen, maybe you should think this over. I don’t need a decision now. We have a few months before the due date.”
“Have you been to the doctor?”
“What? Of course.” She takes her seat across from me.
“And?”
She looks a bit sheepish. “I haven’t found out the gender, if that’s what you’re wondering. I’m not sure I want to know.”
“Is the baby healthy?”
Her hesitance switches to an expression of annoyance. “Yes.”
While she worked, I shuffled through all the scenarios for the remainder of her pregnancy, so I’m gonna throw out the most reasonable option. “Here’s the plan. I think you should move in here.”
“What?” Her voice raises.
“You don’t have to stay in my room. There are three other bedrooms for you to choose from. Actually, you can have the master. I’ll move out.”
“Stop,” she says, a panicked look in her eyes.
“And I’d like a list of your doctor appointments so I can plan to take off work.”
She raises a hand. “Hold on, Fisher.”
I finish my beer. “I’m all in.”
She shakes her head and her gaze flickers to the table. “This is all too soon. You should sleep on it, think about it. And anyway, I can’t move in here.”
She stands and leaves the room, grabbing her purse on the way toward the door.
“Where are you going?”
“Crap!” she groans. “Can you please take me to my car?” She stands politely by the door, her hands clasped in front of her.
“Not until we finish talking. Why wouldn’t you move in here?”
“Because…” She gives me the “you’re crazy” eyes.
“It’s closer to the hospital. I’ll be here in the event that anything happens. Do you know how many times I find people who live alone?”
She throws her hands in the air. “I check in with my family every week. If I miss a shift at the hospital, someone would notice. Dori Bailey owns my apartment building, for goodness’ sake. I can’t overcook my noodles without her finding out about it. Not to mention, I’ve lived on my own for years.”
“But not with my baby in your belly.” I point at her stomach.
A long, languid breath flows out of her, but she immediately takes another deep breath as though she’s in the middle of a hot yoga class. “This isn’t how I planned all this.”
I think she’s talking more to herself than to me.
“I didn’t plan it either.” I step forward.
“Me living in the room right next to you?”
“You’re welcome in my bed any night. Isn’t there something about pregnancy hormones?” Nikki was all over Logan during her pregnancy.
She shakes her head, but a blush tinges her cheeks. “I do not want to sleep with the man I had a one-night stand with who didn’t want to answer my calls.”
I groan and my jaw clicks. “You knew the kind of guy I was before you slept with me. I made it clear that night.”
“Believe me, I don’t want anything from you, not even an orgasm.”
“Just move in. After the birth, we can figure out a long-term solution. You’ll save some money living here.” I step closer, my body tense as if she’s on the edge of a building about to jump and it’s up to me to talk her down.
“No. Thank you, but no.”
Her refusal to even consider the idea frustrates the hell out of me. “Why the fuck not?”
My chest tightens when I think about her alone in Lake Starlight. We were friends enough for me to know she has no family around here. And her best friend, Stella, has a huge plateful of her own responsibilities.
“Because.”
My anger intensifies. “Why not?”
Her mouth opens and closes before she speaks. “This isn’t how I pictured it as a little girl, you know?”
I take the purse from her shoulder, putting it on the table by the door. With my hand on her back, I lead her over to the couch. We need to discuss this and not with us standing six feet apart in an angry standoff.
“You mean you being pregnant?”
She sits down and I sit next to her. “I wanted the whole fairy tale.”
“I don’t think you want me as your husband.”
A tear slips down her cheek, and I check the urge to swipe it away. “I wanted a man to love me with every piece of him so he couldn’t imagine not having me in his life. We’d get married and eventually have kids that we planned to have, and we’d be so in love. I held out all these years for that to happen. But now I got knocked up by a tattooed sheriff who never wanted any kids and now I have to worry about custody and visitation and…” Sobs rack her body.
I lean in and gently tap her back to soothe her without really hugging her. “You can still have all that. Just after the baby is born.”
“You don’t even believe in love,” she mumbles, and her head dives into my chest. “You don’t do monogamy and you don’t want kids.”
The truth stings like the lash of a whip. I’m the worst person she could be tied to in this scenario. It doesn’t mean I won’t do my part though.