“A loss is a loss,” Marshall observed. “I guess it doesn’t really matter if you two had it all figured out or not. I know you miss him.”
I nodded. “I do. I miss his voice and talking to him almost every day.”
Mark had always been so upbeat and supportive. The two of us connecting to share what was happening in our lives had become one of the best parts of my day.
“I know you do,” Marshall said solemnly. “And I’ll be the last one to tell you when and how you should grieve that loss. But you have to let go of all the guilt, Harlow. It’s eating you alive. If Mark was the man you say he was, he wouldn’t want you to be walking around like a zombie the rest of your life.”
I blinked back the tears that were threatening to fall. I knew that Mark wouldn’t have wanted me to shoulder the blame, but I couldn’t stop myself from feeling like his death was my fault.
“Maybe I could stop obsessing over what happened if you’d let me get involved in Last Hope,” I muttered. “I get that you have to keep tabs on anyone who finds out about your organization. I also know that you stay in contact with your victims because you want to help them through the recovery process. But I wasn’t one of your rescues, Marshall. I was ransomed out. Right now, I really need to feel like I’m part of something important. Something that means something. I don’t want to just be a victim who needs to be assisted by Last Hope. I want to be actively involved as a volunteer.”
“Harlow,” he said in a warning voice.
I held up a hand. “Don’t. Please don’t give me the rules again. Maybe I wasn’t in Special Forces, but I was six years active duty in the Air Force, which I’m sure you already know.”
I had no doubt my mom had told him how I’d managed to get through school, or he’d already found out by other means.
Marshall was pretty scary when it came to information gathering, and he made it a point to know as much as possible about anyone who knew about Last Hope.
Maybe Hudson and Jax hadn’t rescued me, but I’d been treated like one of their victims since the moment Hudson had been forced to tell me about how they were going to rescue Taylor.
I took a deep breath before I added, “I was a weather specialist in the Air Force, Marshall. That could be a really valuable skill. I’m not asking you to send me into recovery situations. I know that isn’t an area where I can help you. I don’t have that kind of training. But maybe it’s time for you to consider utilizing support people. I already know about Last Hope, so it’s not like you’d have to tell someone about it who doesn’t already know. And I’ve kept your existence a secret, just like you asked. Who’s doing your weather research for your missions right now?”
“Unfortunately, that would be me,” he grumbled. “Last Hope isn’t hurting for funds. I have all the newfangled equipment. I just haven’t completely mastered it yet.”
I folded my arms over my chest. “So you’re pretty much a jack-of-all-trades in this organization?”
“When I don’t have the Special Forces volunteers with the skills I need, yes,” he snapped, sounding frustrated.
I let out an exasperated breath. “You can’t learn those skills overnight. It takes schooling and a lengthy on-the-job training period before you can be proficient at it. Take me on, and I can give you weather analysis and predictions anywhere, even in space. I had to have a secret security clearance for that job, Marshall. We were the ones who analyzed weather for military missions.”
“Harlow, you aren’t ready—”
“I’ll do whatever you want,” I interrupted breathlessly. “I’ll work with your recommended counselors, and see if they can help me. If Jax comes through on his promise, I’ll let him be my advisor. Just don’t say no. I’m not used to being idle all day, Marshall. I’d be happy to help you organize the equipment you need and set it all up the way it should be.”
Yeah, I knew I sounded desperate, but I needed some kind of purpose in my life right now.
“All I want is for you to get your life back, Harlow. I doubt you could even make it to the headquarters with the kind of anxiety you’re experiencing at the moment,” Marshall answered. “I don’t want you to try to use Last Hope as some kind of distraction, either.”
“I’m not—”
“You are,” he told me flatly. “But I’m willing to make you a deal. Work with one of the best counselors we can recommend who specializes in this kind of trauma. Also, I want you to work with Jax as your advisor. And that doesn’t mean just going through the motions with him. Really work with him and follow his suggestions. We have advisors for a reason, Harlow. You need someone you can turn to after this kind of emotional trauma. It’s not just going to go away on its own. You should know that by now. You’ve gotten worse instead of better.”
I opened my mouth to argue, and then closed it again. I could hardly tell Marshall that everything he was saying wasn’t true.
He continued. “If everything goes well, and Jax tells me that you’re making significant improvement, I’ll seriously consider letting you be our first support volunteer if that’s still what you want. Honestly, you might be right. Last Hope has grown a lot, and we could use some skilled volunteers who aren’t necessarily physically involved in rescues. I’m grateful that many of our former victims who have recovered stepped up to help other victims in an advisor role. It takes a lot of the load off my guys. We also have medical and psychological professionals who have a limited amount of information about what we do. We think of them more as sympathizers than volunteers, and not a single one of them has outed us yet. I guess we’ve never considered trying to recruit people who know about Last Hope to officially be part of our team of volunteers.”
I was slightly deflated because he obviously wasn’t going to take me up on my offer anytime soon. “How long—”
“As long as it takes,” he said firmly. “If I decide to take this step, I want to know you’re signing up for Last Hope because it’s really what you want. Being part of this organization isn’t an easy gig, and I’d have to have you healthy in mind, body, and spirit.”
I sighed. “I understand.” Maybe I didn’t like it, but I knew he was right.
If I wanted him to take me seriously, I needed to have my head on straight.
He stood up. “Good. We’ve always been here for you, Harlow. All you’ve ever really needed to do was let us help you. I think you’ll be surprised at how quickly things change with the right treatment.”
It wasn’t like I didn’t know that Last Hope was there for me. Marshall had made it a point to check up on me at least once a week, and it wasn’t like he had to do it himself. He could have very easily given up on me since I’d refused a regular advisor and any of their recommended professionals. I didn’t know just how big Last Hope really was, or how far of a reach they had, but I was aware that he probably had any number of people who could have done these simple check-ins for him.