Kaia. It took me a second to process that she was really there. But she was. Kaia was bent over a trash can, pulling out recycling and stuffing it into a bag, and I was pretty sure my heart was going to pound out of my chest.
Okay, this was it. I was here. The reason I came to this party was happening right now. All I had to do was walk up and say hi. She’d smile at me like she always did. I’d try not to explode with happiness. We’d talk about the party and the protest today and then I could mention how we first met at the wetlands. She’d remember that and laugh. And then I’d just . . . ask her out. And she’d say yes. Right? Of course she would. And if she didn’t—Nope. I definitely wasn’t going to imagine that endless black void. Not this time. Because everything was going to work out. It was. There were no misspellings. No stains on my shirt. Nothing that would make Kaia think less of me. I was ready. It was simple. Hi. Party. Protest. Wetlands. Date. Hi. Party. Protest. Wetlands. Date. Now walk.
But my stomach clenched. My legs braced. My chest seized. And for some reason breathing was no longer a thing I knew how to do. Shit. It was happening again.
I just needed to walk to Kaia.
I put one foot forward. Toward the void.
My shoe squeaked on the shiny tile floor. Kaia looked up.
“Cam?” She dropped the bag of recycling with a clatter. “You came!” The smile on her face was so wide and real it hurt. And, oh my god, her shirt had a tree on it. My shirt had a tree on it! I’d picked the right one. So why did my body hurt so much? I’d finally found the moment. The perfect moment. We were both wearing tree shirts. At this disaster of a party. Alone together. And still I gasped for air as she approached.
Hi. Party. Protest. Wetlands. Void.
No!
Hi. Party. Protest. Wetlands. Date.
“Hi, Kaia.” Even speaking was painful. But I urged out a few more words. “This party is awful, isn’t—”
There was a whoosh of air as something swooped past me.
Kaia’s eyes swung from mine. Her smile grew . . . brighter. And she extended her arms toward . . .
Steve.
And then he was there, lifting her up off the ground. Swinging her around. I heard laughter. Clear and happy. Was it hers? It had to be. It wasn’t mine. Then she was wrapping her legs around his waist. Her arms around his neck.
No.
No no no no no no no no no.
She tilted her face down toward Steve’s, her smile softening. Steve answered her with his own, gazing into her eyes. She leaned down and . . . kissed him.
Kaia was kissing Steve Stevenson.
She was kissing him. And I was standing there in Steve’s kitchen with empty cans rolling around my feet, not kissing her. Because she was kissing Steve. Why was she kissing Steve?
“There you are!” Steve said to her when they finally broke apart. “I’ve been looking all over for you!”
That. Asshole.
Kaia laughed. “Oh, sorry. I just saw that people weren’t separating their trash and I got distracted.”
Steve shook his head, smiling, and gently twirled a piece of her hair around his finger. “God. You are amazing.”
That. Fucking. Asshole.
Kaia giggled. And then she leaned forward and kissed him. Again. Steve pulled her more tightly against him and deepened the kiss. Oh god. They were using tongues. Kaia was touching her tongue to Steve Stevenson’s tongue. I thought I was dying before but this was worse. This was so much worse. Because there was a giant hole inside me now. And it was filled with tongues.
As they kissed, Steve turned them so Kaia’s back was facing me. He peeled one arm away and raised his hand. And then slowly, ever so slowly, he uncurled his middle finger.
I made a sound. A sad, pathetic sound. And then I left.
Propelled by rage, I stomped across Steve’s front lawn. He had played me. From the moment I’d asked about Kaia, he had played me. Steve must have been laughing the whole time. Every single room I’d entered, every time he’d coax me to ask where Kaia was, he’d been laughing. And he’d gotten the whole class to laugh with him. Because everyone must have known she was dating him. Of course they did. He was Steve Stevenson. The most popular guy in school. God, I was such a colossal idiot.
But worse than the rage was the other feeling. The one that threatened to overwhelm me every time the white-hot anger started to fade. Because once I stopped thinking about Steve, I started thinking about Kaia. Playing through my mind on repeat was every single moment I’d almost asked her out. By the lockers. In a meeting. At the coffee shop. At the protest. On that Wednesday. It had never been the right moment. I’d wanted it to be perfect. I’d waited for it to be perfect, but now . . . she was with Steve. When? How? Why? The questions tumbled through my head.
I squeezed my way through cars parked practically on top of one another, some even pulled onto the grass, searching for my faded blue Prius.
Tongues.
The image of Kaia and Steve kissing flashed through my mind and I wanted to die. Dammit. Where was my car? I had to get home. I was losing it.
Tongues.
No. I wasn’t thinking about that. I had to think of something else. An oil slick. A forest fire. Glaciers melting. Steve exploding like one of those aliens in the video game. Anything but Kaia’s face pressed against his. Finally, I spotted my car, miraculously not boxed in.
“Giddyup!” a distant voice slurred. Across the street a guy with a towel slung around his waist and no shoes was yanking on his car door. “Giddyup. Gotta ride . . .”
Oh shit. He was going to try to drive. I dashed across the street. “Hey!” I waved my hands, trying to get his attention. “Hey!” The guy turned. I stopped, out of breath. “You’re too drunk to drive. Get in. I’ll give you a ride home.”
Five minutes later, Giddyup was plastered against the passenger window, singing a country song I didn’t recognize as we coasted along the nearly empty streets. Except for a few pockets near Main Street, the town was pretty quiet past nine p.m.
Tongues.
“Fuck!” I slammed my hands against the steering wheel.
Giddyup lurched forward, startled. “Dude! Not cool. My head’s not doing so great.” He belched. “Or my stomach.”
“Sorry.” I waited to see if he’d vomit. But once he slumped back against the window, we seemed to be in the clear. I had to ask him. “How long has Steve been with Kaia Gonzales?”
“I don’t know. A couple of weeks?”
Well, it wasn’t months. It was a new relationship. That was good, right? She couldn’t be in love with him. Not after two weeks. Of course, I wasn’t sure how anyone could fall in love with Steve, especially Kaia. He wore an American flag Speedo, for fuck’s sake. But did that mean I’d missed my chance? If I’d asked her out earlier, would it have been me in the kitchen kissing her instead of Steve? Would that have been my tongue?
“She’s lucky. Steve’s the best.” The guy gave a weak thumbs-up.
My head spun so fast I almost sprained it. “The best? Seriously?” All I could see was Steve’s stupid smiling face as he asked me if Kaia was a Kardashian or a Swift.
“Yeah.” Giddyup smiled and gave two thumbs-up. “Such . . . the best.” It was too much.
“NO!” I slammed my hands on the steering wheel again. The guy jumped. “He is not the BEST!” I kept going. “You know who’s the best? Me.” I thrust my finger at my chest. “I’m the one driving you home. I’m the one keeping you from getting killed. Would Steve do this? Hell no! He’s probably doing Jell-O shots off a pool floatie right now! I’m saving your life!”