fighting with his cousins, kids get hurtkids
They make stupid mistakes
What’s three days’ suspension supposed
to teach him?He’ll be home
all aloneI can’t take off work to watch him
Umi’s eyes were begging for something Mr. Figueroa
wasn’t about to give
Ms. Samuel wants us to spread our wings and fly
wants us to reach our full potential
College, it was all about college, so of course
she repeated, We have a zero-tolerance policy
and Umi looking at me like I did the worst thing
in the world and Lucas peeking into the office
looking at me like I did the best thing in the world
and Tanesha walking in and looking at me
just looking at meand me looking at her
and wishing so badthat I never
got into that fight with Shawn
Ocean
Ever since that day in the fifth grade when
I got suspended for three days
for fighting
Umi watched me so hard, her rules were so strict
that it felt like I’ve been trying to
breathe underwater
Every dumb shit I’ve ever done was me
fighting my way to the top
for some air
Clone
Ever since that day in the fifth grade
my teachers watched me so hard, so close
that I felt like I was trying to break out of prison
even though it was just school
Every dumb shit I did
they thought it was because of
trouble at home
an absent father
a tired mother
not enough books
not enough vegetables
not enough sleep
They believed those lies about me
and made themselves
a whole other boy
in their minds
and replaced me with him
Conversations with God
Why are you not on their side? I had asked Clyde
I never called him Mr. Richter
I ain’t a slave and he’s not my Mister
Master
Grandma calls me Master Amal
because she says
I am the master of my own destiny
I am the master of my own fate
I am the master of my body, mind, and spirit
So there was only room for one master
and Clyde ain’t it
(I never tell Grandma that on most days
I don’t feel like a master
I don’t feel like I’m the one in control)
These things that Grandma tells me
are like
a pan of mac and cheese on Sunday
a pair of socks for my birthday
a whisper in my ear that she’ll steal me away
to take me to her church
a tight hug around my waist and a kiss on my chin
because I’m way taller than her
These things that Grandma gives me are like
a butterscotch or peppermint candy from her purse
Sweet promises
that make me feel special
only for a little while
Then she goes home
to her church, to her Bible, to her knitting
to her bargain shopping at dollar stores
to her own
sweet
promises
I work for you, Amal
Only you, Clyde had said
So you’re in this for the money, I said
Amal— Umi interrupted
He gets to ask me all the questions
and I don’t get to ask him none? I said
Then he said, I’m in it for justice
And that’s when I knew for sure that
my lawyer speaks with two mouths
So when Clyde says, I’m sorry, Amal
We did all we could
after the officers handcuff me
I remember that he never really told me
he was on my side
African American
When I turned thirteen
Grandma told me she’d take me to
Africa
I told her Africa’s not a country
and she slapped my shoulder and
said I’m too smart for my own good
Umi said I should go to connect with my
Muslim brothers and sisters on the continent
and Grandma looked at her sideways
She said her church was organizing
a trip to Senegal and we’d go to someplace
called Goré Island and there’d be something
called the Door of No Return
It’s where slaves had to go through
to get on a ship sailing to America
It’s where African people lost everything
and stepped out into a future they didn’t know
So when the officers hold that door open
leading out of the courtroom
I think of that trip that never happened
and the Door of No Return
My life, my whole damn life
before that courtroom
before that trial
before that night
was like Africa
And this door leads to a slave ship
And maybe jailmaybe jail
isis America
Coming to America
The officer holding my arm
digs his nails into my skin
squeezing so tight
it feels as if he got hold
of a blood vessel
or something
because my heartmy heart
is suffocating
I clench my jaw and tighten every
muscle in my body
I want to be like steel, like iron
and I’m hoping
that I’m superhuman
The Entombment
The county jail behind the courtroom
is called the tombs
because it’s where the system
buries their dead
Clyde told me I won’t have a life sentence
and I won’t have a death sentence either
I guess this will be somewhere in between
like Jeremy Mathis
hanging in the middle
Dead to the world
but somewhere in our souls
we are both scratching at the walls
yelling to the sky
punching the air
to let everyone and everything know
that we are in here
still alive
The tombs is where we
wait for space in jail
hell
I’m sureI’m sure
The tombs is where we leave
our bodies so that our souls
can burn in an inferno
I’m sureI’m sure
This is what Jeremy Mathis’s mother
wants to believe
She said it herself
I hope he goes to hell
for what he did to my son
Inferno
There are other brothers
in here with me
Some my age
some older, some very old
And it’s as if all our roads
led to this point
not even crossing
a dead end
with nothing but
concrete walls
and metal bars
boxing us in
We nod at each other
It’s our way of saying
I see you, bro
We in here
And that’s where the
conversation ends
But we speak with
our hands
our eyes
our bodies
Head back
chin up
eyes wandering
but never landing
We take up space
without stepping over
invisible boundaries