I grabbed the laptop like it was gold, or E. I could check my email, my Facebook accounts, my Twitter, my Instagram …
“It doesn’t leave the house. Wi-Fi is available only at certain times, and social media sites are blocked.”
I slumped. So much for having any kind of contact with the outside world.
“We can’t take the risk of anyone finding you who might hurt you, Lex.” Her expression said she was sorry. I got it, but I didn’t like it.
So now, I’m writing stuff down when I feel like tearing into myself. I haven’t made myself bleed once today. I don’t share this with Aunt Krys, but Dr. Lisa will be happy when she sees me next week.
“Do you like shopping?” my aunt asks. “I thought maybe we’d get you some new clothes, stuff you can pick out for yourself. We don’t have to worry about school for a few months yet.”
School. Right. I agreed to summer school to catch me up to where I should be, and then I’ll complete my senior year at Middletown High School. “A fresh start,” Jill called it. A place where no one knows me or my story.
“Sure,” I say. I do like to shop. I like clothes and nice things; that was how Mitch sucked me in. “Why are you doing all this? And don’t say it’s because you love me. You don’t know me.”
She looks surprised—and hurt. I refuse to feel bad. “You’re right. I don’t know you, but I don’t have to know you to love you. We’re family. I should have taken you when you asked me to. I’ve always regretted that.”
I frown at her. “What do you mean?”
She glances at me. “You don’t remember?”
I shake my head.
Her attention on the road, she says, “When you were seven, you asked if you could come live with me. I was barely twenty-one and enjoying life away from my parents. But I should have taken you.”
I shrug. I still don’t remember. “Mom wouldn’t have let you.”
She sends me a dubious glance. Yeah, okay, so maybe Mom would have helped me pack. “I’m sorry I didn’t listen to you then.”
I am too, but I don’t say it. It’s not her fault there’s a part of me locked in a room that can’t get out. I feel her in there, pounding on the door, but I can’t be bothered to help her. It’s like I’m sitting on a couch in my head, listening to that part of me screaming, but I’m too stoned to get up and open the damn door.
I stare out the window as we drive through Middletown. It’s a nice town for the most part. Cute downtown. No mall, but lots of neat-looking restaurants and shops. Krys tells me the school where Jamal is a professor has all kinds of famous alumni. I try to look impressed, but it really doesn’t have anything to do with me.
A few minutes later, we’re in a fairly nice neighborhood—better than anything I’ve ever lived in before. I think maybe we’re only driving through, but my aunt pulls into the driveway of a big gray and dark blue house with a veranda.
I stare at it. “This is your house?”
She looks almost embarrassed. “Jamal’s parents gave us the down payment as a wedding present.”
“Are they rich?”
“They do okay.”
“Okay”? Obviously she and I have different ideas of what that word means.
Inside the house is even nicer. The kitchen is huge and the living room has a TV bigger than I’ve ever seen before. The sofas and chairs look comfortable and soft. We walk up a polished staircase, and she takes me down the hall to the last room.
“This is yours,” she says, and opens the door.
There’s a hard thump against the back of my ribs when I look inside. She’s right. It’s kind of bland. The walls are off-white, the floor polished wood, but there are large windows and a desk with a computer. The bed is a big four-poster that could probably fit three people, and there’s a huge closet.
“Your bathroom is through the second door.” My aunt points across the room.
My own bathroom? I don’t have to share it with anyone? What’s the cost of having all this luxury? What are they going to want from me? What happens if I don’t give it? I can’t … I just can’t.
Krys frowns. “Lex?”
I try to breathe and I can’t. It’s like the air gets to the back of my throat and won’t go any farther.
She grabs my shoulders and steers me to the bed. I’m plunked down onto the mattress, my head pushed between my knees. I suck in air as blackness crowds the edges of my brain. Who the hell panics over a fucking bedroom?
Me, apparently.
Once my breaths come steadily, I lift my head. Krys strokes my back with long, firm strokes. I don’t pull away. “I’m sorry,” I say.
“You’ve got nothing to be sorry for.”
I’ve heard that a lot lately. Still not sure I believe it.
“It’s bigger than the last apartment Mom and I had,” I confess.
Krys nods. “It’s a little overwhelming, I know. I thought maybe you were freaked out at the prospect of decorating.” She smiles when she says it.
I look around at all the white. “It could use some color,” I allow. But that’s all I’m going to say. Don’t get attached, inner me says. This isn’t going to last.
“I want you to feel at home here,” my aunt says, as if she can read my mind. She gives my shoulders a squeeze then releases them. “You’re part of the family.”
I want to believe that so much.
“I’m starving,” she says. “I have Chinese leftovers in the fridge. You want?”
I follow her back downstairs to the kitchen and watch as she gets cartons out of the big, shiny fridge. I sit on one of the stools at the island.
“So, we’ll need to get you a phone too. The computer upstairs should do—Jamal just bought it. We can get you a TV if you want.”
“You don’t have to spend all this money on me.”
She straightens and looks me right in the eye. “You think we want something in return; is that it?” She smiles sadly and shakes her head. “Kid, I’ve had three miscarriages. I don’t know if I’ll ever have a child of my own. Sometimes I think I don’t deserve one. Then I find you again. I’m not a big believer in God, Lex, but I think you and I were brought back together because we need each other. I know it’s not going to be easy, and we’re probably going to have fights and we’re not always going to agree, but anything I do for you is because I want to do it. Okay? I want to buy you clothes and give you a room. I want to give you the life you ought to have had. Will you let me try?”
I look at the door. If I’m going to bolt, this is the moment to do it. Get the fuck out of here and away from this crazy-ass bitch who doesn’t even realize what she’s asking of me. I’ve been beaten by men who didn’t scare me half as much as my aunt does. What if she discovers I’m not worth it? What happens when she finds out I’m unlovable? Or that I can’t love her the way she wants?
Yeah, I should bolt. My thighs twitch, my legs ready to jump up and starting running.
I stay where I am.
* * *
Krys and I go shopping in West Hartford. I get a few clothes and some things for my new room.