For the moment, they understand each other.
Justyce takes the fitted cap from his head and the fake chain from his neck.
“Happy Halloween, muthafuckas!” Trey calls out behind them.
November 1
DEAR MARTIN,
It’s 2 a.m. and I just got off the phone with SJ.
Which is crazy.
Started out innocently enough…When I got to my room at 10:15 p.m., I had a missed call from her. I figured it had to do with debate stuff since the state tournament is around the corner, so I decided to hit her back. Here’s how it went down:
SJ: Hello?
Me: Hey, SJ. It’s Justyce. You called?
SJ: Caller ID, Jus. No need to announce yourself.
Me: Oh. Okay.
SJ: (Laughs.) I was just calling to see how Douche-Nugget Christensen’s experiment-at-you-and-Manny’s-expense went. I saw the pics he posted and had to go for a run to keep from showing up at the party and punching Blake in the face.
Me: Yeah, no worries about that. Somebody did it for you.
SJ: Shut up! Someone punched him for real?
Me: Ruined his pointed hood.
SJ: (Laughs so hard I think she’s going to choke.)
Me: So…how was your night?
SJ: Uneventful. I spent most of it thinking about you.
Me: …
SJ: I mean…um. Sorry, that came out wrong.
Me: …
SJ: Jus, are you still there? God, I’m such an idiot…
Me: (Clears throat.) I’m here.
SJ: Whew. Okay, good.
Me and SJ: (Awkward pause.)
Me: So, um…how was it supposed to come out?
SJ: Well…I just meant because of the costumes? Like I saw the pictures, and was wondering how things were going at the party.
Me: Ah.
SJ: You don’t believe me, do you?
Me: Why wouldn’t I? (Even though in my head I was like, “Hell nah, I don’t believe you, girl.”)
SJ: (Laughs.) I certainly wouldn’t believe me.
Me: …
SJ: I have to say, I’m enjoying this rendering-Justyce-McAllister-speechless thing. Maybe I should say this kind of stuff more often.
Me: Shut up.
SJ: (Laughs some more.) So how are you, anyway?
Me: What do you mean?
SJ: I’m sure the whole party thing was awkward, no?
Me: That’s one way to put it, I guess.
[No clue why, but I tell SJ every detail about the party.]
SJ: Wow. So they threatened you with a gun to get you to go?
Me: Yep.
SJ: That’s pretty intense, Jus.
Me: Tell me about it. Craziest part is I still feel weird about leaving.
SJ: You do? Why?
Me: Well, either way it went, I was sayin somethin’, you know? Staying woulda been a statement of solidarity with these guys I grew up with—and who look like me. Leaving was a different statement, and the fact that I chose to do it with a white guy who was dressed as a Klansman…well…
SJ: Hmm. I see what you mean.
Me: Yeah. These were the dudes who used to call me White Boy because while they were shooting dice for pennies at recess, I was reading a book. I know there’s no excuse for the idea that we’re all the same “kind,” as that cop Castillo put it, but the moment I saw that gun sticking out of dude’s waistband, I felt this flare of pain around my wrists. I had this thought—be forewarned, it’s an ugly one: it’s assholes like Trey and his boys that have cops thinking all black dudes are up to no good.
SJ: I’m so sorry, Jus.
Me: Don’t apologize, S. It’s not your fault. It never made sense to me why tryna DO something with myself made me some kind of race-traitor to these guys, but some of the stuff Trey said tonight really got to me.
SJ: Really?
Me: Yeah. He said me and Manny were chillin’ with Jared and them because we “need the white man for the ride to the top.” And while I could debate that till I’m blue in the face, didn’t we prove it by leaving with Jared and them?
SJ: I guess that’s one way to look at it.
Me: What if Trey is right? What if, no matter what I do, the only thing white people will ever see me as is a nig—an “n-word”?
(So glad I caught myself, Martin.)
Me (cont.): Yeah, Jared’s always talking about how “equal” things are, but that doesn’t mean he sees me as one.
SJ: (Silence.)
Me: It’s a conundrum: white people hold most positions of authority in this country. How do I deal with the fact that I DO need them to get ahead without feeling like I’m turning my back on my own people?
SJ: Sure hope that’s rhetorical, Jus. I certainly can’t give you an answer.
Me: (Laughs.)
We shifted gears a little bit after that, and when I checked the clock, it’d been three hours. When we landed on the topic of Jewish involvement in the civil rights movement, I wound up telling her about this Be Like Martin experiment. She said she was “both impressed and intrigued.”
That’s when it hit me who I was talkin’ to and I said I needed to go to bed.
Before we hung up, though? She said something I don’t think I’ll ever forget:
SJ: Hey, Jus?
Me: Yeah?
SJ: I want to apologize.
Me: For what?
SJ: For stepping out of line in class a while back.
Me: …
SJ: I know it’s been over a month, but after talking to you tonight…Well, it wasn’t my place to speak for you. I’m really, really sorry.
Hearing her apologize after Blake didn’t? It got me, Martin. Now I can’t get her out of my head.
Which really isn’t good.
Don’t get me wrong: SJ’s great. We’ve been debate partners since I joined the team two years ago. Only person at that school who knows more about me than she does is Manny.
Yes, she’s gorgeous for a white girl—she’s tall with long brown hair, and while not a big-booty Betty, the lacrosse body is tight.
Yes, she’s smart and funny and easy to talk to and kinda feisty—which now that I’m seeing her in this new light is kind of a turn-on…
But, Martin, I can’t fall for SJ! My whole life, Mama’s told me, “Don’t you bring home a white girl.” We’re talking about a woman who low-key disses Melo for looking white. Can you imagine what kind of reaction I’d get if it were SJ? (Melo and I broke up again, by the way.)
Right now, I feel guilty for even talking to SJ. Especially about race stuff! What does it say about me that I willingly left a party with a bunch of idiots, but the white person who does treat me as an equal is the one I most wanna run away from right now? I can’t believe I told SJ all that stuff! I mean, she’s cool and everything but…I’m shaking my head right now.
You were the man, Martin. THE man. And I wanna be like you. “Intergroup and interpersonal living”? I really do want that…
I’m just not so sure I can pull it off anymore.
I’m going to bed.
—JM
Justyce can’t believe it.
CONGRATULATIONS! is all big and bright right there in front of him, but he still can’t believe it.
When he sat down at his laptop, he expected to have to click a bunch of different links to get to his admissions decision, but the second he logged in to the website, a giant bulldog filled the screen as the Yale fight song played all loud and bold and beautiful.