305-111-2222
Tuesday, January 12
Same Day Delivery Expedited Correspondence
Formal follow-up letter from initial phone call
Dear Dr. Beauparlant:
I will never forget the moment St. Catherine appeared to me in a vision while waiting in that CVS Pharmacy line thirty years ago. Imagine: the patron saint of the sick revealing herself to a woman picking up Tamiflu! It was in that haze of congestion that she called me to head a school of vivacious youngsters and transform myself from prematurely retired dentist to proud principal. It is this precious memory I turn to during trying times. Having to write this letter is one of those times.
All of us at St. Catherine’s have truly admired you and Ms. Beauparlant’s compassion and long-standing patronage to this illustrious institution. I repeat, we have appreciated every gift—financial or otherwise—to furthering our goal of educating Florida’s gifted youth. We will be forever grateful to you. In addition, St. Catherine de’ Ricci Academy is an institution that holds all its students in the highest regard and that is all I’ve ever wanted. There’s no one else quite like Alaine in our student body and we’ve enjoyed having your daughter bring her unique sense of humor to our classrooms.
That being said, in light of a recent incident caused by Alaine’s insistence to exercise that special brand of humor despite requests from her teacher Sister Wagner to rein in the theatrics, I have no choice but to suspend her through the end of the school year. It is my understanding that Alaine intentionally deviated from a more traditional presentation in favor of a distasteful demonstration that was never officially approved. Suspension is a very serious repercussion I feel is appropriate in this circumstance. Upon her return I strongly encourage a disciplinary hearing to address the future of Alaine at St. Catherine’s.
All the blessings,
Sister Gayle Pollack
Sister Gayle Pollack
PRINCIPAL AND FOUNDER, ST. CATHERINE’S
HANDWRITTEN NOTE FROM DAD
Found in the refrigerator next to the almond milk
Alaine,
I am very disappointed in you.
I’m sure you aren’t happy to read this note from me. Well, let me tell you, it is not a great feeling to come home and find a letter from your principal rehashing the terrible phone call we had. Your mother and I do not work this hard to have you act out in school. Is there an underlying cause for your actions that you would like to discuss with me? If so, you must use your words. You are equipped with the tools to make yourself heard.
I will work on getting you back into school. You will ace your remaining assignments and submit something respectable.
Love (but still disappointed),
Dad
P.S. Please find my bread maker. I know you moved it last.
P.P.S. What were you thinking?
Wednesday, January 13
The Life and Times of Alaine Beauparlant
My dad is making good on his threat to ship me off to Haiti. While this is definitely the go-to reprimand given by all immigrant parents when they’re upset with their kids, Dad has never, ever used that with me. He’s always going on about how “going to the homeland is a privilege, not a punishment.” But here I am packing my bags.
I texted Tatiana and (even though she keeps saying that I “might’ve gone too far this time”) she still couldn’t believe that I was actually leaving the country. Considering the fact that her parents say this to her brothers (“Oh, and to me too, if I ever got pregnant before I was married and had a degree”) at least once a week but never go through with it, she didn’t have any advice to offer.
I sucked my teeth with each balled-up shirt I threw into my suitcase. Obviously, I wanted to go to Haiti. I’d never been before. I just didn’t want to go under these circumstances. Why did it have to be wielded over me like some sort of prison sentence? Be good or the Tontons Macoutes will get you. They’re waiting for you on the left side of Hispaniola. I emptied my shelf of hair care products into my suitcase. I didn’t know what kind of humidity I would encounter in Haiti, but I wasn’t about to let my twist-out suffer.
Maybe Dad’s playing a weird mind game where he’ll buy me a plane ticket, drive all the way to the airport, check in my luggage, and right when I’m about to head through security he’ll say, “Just kidding! Get back over here, kiddo. You have a few months left of high school. Just don’t screw it up and we’ll all be okay.”
But you want to know what’s freaking me out the most? I spent the day looking up what a suspension will mean for my college applications and am officially starting to hyperventilate... What have I done?
Tuesday, January 19
From: Alaine Beauparlant
To: Estelle Dubois
Subject: Regarding The Incident
Tati,
Don’t listen to a word my dad says. He’s already called and filled you and Mom in but here’s the thing: he’s wrong. Dad always believes Sister Pollack and all the other ladies at that godforsaken school over me. His only child and pride and joy.
Because I know you’re much more reasonable, let me tell you the truth about The Incident. I’ve had about a week out of school to think it through. The day it happened, I burned my polka-dot dress while I was ironing it. Even though I could hear you screeching, “Bad luck! Bad luck!” in my ear, and despite being fully aware of how much of an “ill omen” you say it is, I still put it on because you really couldn’t tell it was burned.
So really, all they can blame me for is making the terrible choice of wearing an unlucky dress despite knowing better.
In the interest of disclosure, I present to you a biased recollection of The Incident in question. Tatiana sent me screenshots of the conversation for posterity. Do they seem like innocent bystanders to you? Methinks not!
Alaine
SCREENSHOTS FROM STUDY GROUP CHAT ABOUT “THE INCIDENT”
LAT.AM/C.W. STUNNAZ
Tuesday 4:37 PM
Nina Voltaire:
So...she’s insane...
Kaylee Johnson:
It’s not even funny anymore
Nina Voltaire:
Seriously
Tatiana Hippolyte:
Cut it out guys
Renata Balvin:
What happened??? I stayed home today
Nina Voltaire:
Lil Miss Waltina Cronkite finally cracked just like her mom