Paul and Deborah are quite cool people so naturally their wedding is too. Flashes of shimmering gold aside, everything in the room is earthy and natural. In fact, I do believe the bacon sandwiches are made with vegan-friendly bacon, the wedding cake is vegan… I haven’t told Millsy because you never know who is going to be the type of person to have a meltdown because Greggs have started selling vegan sausage rolls.
The bride and groom catch my eye, chatting with Keith and Sarah at the side of the room, so I decide to pop over and say hi now, while they’re not too busy and Millsy isn’t with me. It will save me having to keep up his story about us being a couple. Ergh, why did he say that? I suppose now I’ll have to go to the trouble of fabricating a fake break-up so that people stop asking me about him. I’ll say I broke up with him, naturally. If the point of this whole thing was to make me look better, saying he dumped me isn’t exactly going to achieve that, is it?
It’s only as I get closer that I realise something is wrong. Deborah doesn’t look like a joyful bride on the happiest day of her life, she looks upset.
‘Erm… hi,’ I say, with no time to pull a U-turn and come back at a better time.
‘Oh, hi, Cara,’ Paul says. ‘Thanks so much for coming.’
‘You’re welcome. Con… congratulations.’
‘Sorry, I’m just a bit annoyed,’ Deborah says to me quietly as she leans forward to hug me.
Other than looking a little upset and a lot angry, Deborah looks absolutely gorgeous in her stunning, floor-length cream lace gown. Her hair has been plaited on both sides before being pinned to the top of her head, forming a gorgeous crown braid, full of flowers. She’s nailed the bohemian bride look.
‘Cara brought her boyfriend,’ Keith sings.
‘You have a boyfriend?’ Deborah squeaks. ‘And he’s here?’
‘Yes,’ I reply awkwardly. This is exactly what I didn’t want to happen. ‘He’s around here somewhere.’
Deborah ushers me a few steps away from the others.
‘Quick, tell me all about him before he gets back,’ she demands excitedly.
‘OK, but are you OK?’ I ask, partially changing the subject, but also because I’m concerned. No one should be miserable on their wedding day. ‘You looked really upset when I walked over.’
‘Oh, I’m fine,’ she insists. ‘I’m just a bit annoyed because I just nipped to the loo, and on my way back I crossed paths with a man and… well, he hit on me.’
‘He hit on you?’
‘Yeah, can you believe that? At my own wedding.’
‘What kind of person would try to chat-up the bride at a wedding?’ I ask angrily, but the words have no sooner left my lips when the answer hits me.
‘I know, right?’ she replies. ‘And the worst thing of all is that, I think he’s a wedding guest, not staff or someone just staying in the hotel. Someone actually brought someone like that to my wedding.’
‘Are you sure he’s a guest?’ I ask.
‘Yeah, well, this is a private area and he was dressed like a guest. He was wearing a blue blazer. I told Paul all about it. He’s keeping an eye out for him. He’s going to ask him to leave, and God help whoever brought him.’
I feel as if I’m frozen on the spot.
‘Anyway, enough of that, where’s this fella of yours? I can’t wait to chat with him,’ she persists.
Somehow I doubt that’s going to be the case.
‘Erm, yeah, he’s around here somewhere… Actually, I’ll go find him. Back in a bit.’
‘OK,’ she says with a smile. ‘No rush. I had no idea getting married meant talking to so many people.’
I laugh politely, walking away calmly, only picking up the pace once I’m out of her eyeline.
Shit! Shit, shit, shit. What are the chances that it wasn’t Millsy who just tried to chat-up the bride at a wedding? He’s only been out of my sight for a matter of minutes!
I hover outside the men’s toilets for a few seconds before marching straight in – my gaze firmly fixed on the floor, of course. I know the men’s room doesn’t have the same level of privacy as the ladies’ loo does.
‘Millsy?’ I call out.
‘Yes?’ he replies casually. He sounds as if he’s only a matter of inches away from me. ‘Did you miss me so much you thought you’d come in here to find me?’
Now isn’t the time for laughing at his jokes.
‘Just… come out here,’ I insist.
You know how public toilets often have two doors, with a small, pointless corridor between them? Well we’re standing in that, so I’m still technically in the men’s loos, but not actually in them.
‘I can’t believe I’m about to ask you this,’ I start in hushed tones, ‘but… you didn’t try to hit on the bride, did you?’
‘Absolutely not,’ he says. ‘What kind of man do you take me for?’
‘Sorry,’ I say. ‘It’s just I was talking with the bride, and she said someone in a blue jacket tried to chat her up by the toilets.’
‘Well, it must be some other dude in a blue jacket,’ he assures me.
‘Oh, that’s such a relief,’ I reply, leaning back against the wall. ‘It’s just, well, she’s my boss, and she’s really upset so… it would have made me look bad, you know?’
‘I totally get that, but no, not guilty. I did try and chat one woman up, just a bit, but she wasn’t the bride. She wasn’t wearing a white dress.’
‘Well, that’s… Wait, she wasn’t wearing a white dress? Was she wearing a cream dress?’
‘Yeah… Why, do you know her?’
‘Millsy, that’s the bride,’ I whisper angrily.
‘How am I supposed to know that, if she’s not wearing a white dress?’
‘Was she wearing a wedding ring?’
Millsy runs a hand through his brown hair that is neatly slicked back for the occasion.
‘I’ve never really paid much attention to whether or not people are wearing wedding rings,’ he says by way of an explanation.
‘Why not?’
‘In my experience… it’s never posed much of a problem. Oh, I did notice something though – she had flowers on her head.’
‘Oh my God, I’m going to lose my job,’ I say to myself.
I quickly step out of the way as a man opens the door on his way to the toilets. He gives us both a look of acknowledgement but doesn’t seem to be overly concerned with my presence here.
‘Well, I can just sneak out and leave,’ he suggests. ‘That way, they won’t even see me.’
‘Except Deborah is waiting to meet you. It’s going to make me look bad, if you disappear from her wedding… admittedly not as bad as you trying to shag her on her wedding day, but still…’
I puff air from my cheeks as I wrack my brains for a solution. My job is all about problem-solving. I come up with problems with step-by-step solutions for people to figure out the answer to, so if I could just flip that process on its head… I’ve successfully made it out of every escape room I’ve ever tried. I should be able to problem-solve my way out of this one too.