CHAPTER 1
Kat
“Why is there a crocheted penis lying on the floor?” Kat Kowalski demanded. It was five minutes to five on Friday night, and all Kat wanted to do was close up the flower shop and get on with her evening. She’d been attempting to do just that, briskly sweeping the store’s floor, when the broom had abruptly encountered … something.
Ronnie, her coworker and second-in-command, leaned over the counter and inspected the object in question. “Yep. That’s a dick.”
“I know it’s a dick,” Kat confirmed. “What I don’t know is what is it doing here?” She prodded the limp lump of yarn with her broom and it flopped across the shop floor like it absolutely did not give a fuck.
It was a very nice floor too. New. Installed last spring, the gleaming slats looked like hardwood, but they were actually made from repurposed bamboo stalks. Allen, the owner of the flower shop, had always been into conservation, but in the last year or so, he’d taken his green crusade to the next level. He’d installed solar panels and a rain barrel reservoir system and was researching geothermal heating options for a greenhouse.
But as far as Kat knew, her boss hadn’t taken up crocheting genitalia.
The wind chimes over the shop’s entrance jangled, the upcycled metal gardening tools hanging from an old terracotta pot clattering against each other in a surprisingly melodic racket. On instinct, Kat dove, broom handle smacking the floor as she snatched up the mystery penis. She straightened and crammed her hands behind her back. “Laura.” Kat exhaled, relieved to see it wasn’t a customer who had entered, but their delivery driver. “It’s just you.”
“Hello to you too,” Laura said as she flipped the open sign on the door to closed. “Were you expecting someone else?”
“No. But we found a, ah…” Kat waved her recent discovery in the air.
“You found my cock!” Laura exclaimed.
“That’s yours?” Ronnie asked, stooping to pick up the broom.
“Yep.” Laura nodded, wiggling her fingers in a Give me gesture. “It’s my cozy cock.”
Kat handed the object over. “It’s your what, now?”
“Cozy cock,” Laura repeated. “Or cock cozy.” She shrugged. “I haven’t decided yet.” Laura set the cock in question on the counter. Then she reached around and grabbed one of the travel mugs that had collected on the shelf below the register thanks to the employees’ caffeine habit. Another Allen rule: all reusable cups, all the time.
“What are you planning to do with that?” Ronnie asked.
Laura flipped the tip open. “Watch.” She slid the mug inside the hollow space, then stood the handcrafted organ upright and stepped back with a flourish. “Ta-da!”
Kat’s brows rose as she gazed upon the woman’s handiwork. Tucked snug inside the, um, shaft, the mug did indeed look cozy. “Okay, that does look nice and warm, but why…”
“Why a cock?” Laura grinned. “I’m thinking about starting a side business. I’ve got ideas for a whole line of products.”
“You might be onto something.” Kat eyed the yarn penis propped on the counter. “They’d make great favors for bachelorette parties,” she snickered. “Speaking of parties,” she added, glancing at the clock over the door, “I’ve gotta finish closing. It’s CCC night.”
“Ah yes, your weekly movie night.” Laura snagged the broom from Ronnie and took over sweeping. “Are you still doing that?”
“Yeah.” Kat grabbed the clipboard hanging from a hook by the cooler and began to take inventory of the unsold bouquets. “But we skipped the last few.”
“I thought your Friday night tradition was sacred,” Ronnie said, removing their name tag and the THEY/THEM pronoun pin they wore and tossing both in a drawer by the register.
“It is sacred.” Cocktails, carbs, and comedies had been a staple of Kat’s life since college. She and her two best friends had been getting together for their Friday night tradition for the better part of a decade. “But lately Julia and Andie have been busy with other plans.”
“Things must be getting serious if they’re putting dicks before chick flicks.” Ronnie tartly observed, counting down the register. “What about your dick, Kat?”
Kat lost her count. “Pardon?”
Ronnie blinked innocently. “How are things going with Chad?”
“Tad,” Kat corrected automatically. Ronnie wasn’t Tad’s biggest fan and always said his name wrong on purpose.
“Any man’s name that ends in ‘ad’ should come with a warning label,” Laura said as she emptied the dustpan into the trash.
“I’ll keep that in mind,” Kat promised. She finished inventorying the bouquets and moved on to the single stems. Knowing Laura’s history with her ex-husband Brad, she didn’t fault the woman for her obviously biased opinion. “We’ve been seeing each other for almost half a year now, and things seem to be going well.”
“Dating for six months…” Laura’s nose crinkled in speculation. “I think I was pregnant with my first kid by then. Not that I’m suggesting you should follow in my delinquent footsteps.”
Kat laughed. Laura was so chill, she often forgot the woman was more than a dozen years her senior, with a minivan and four kids, the oldest of whom was starting high school. “This is the first relationship I’ve had in ages that lasted longer than a month, but I don’t think we’re quite ready for that step.”
The wind chimes jangled, and everyone’s attention jerked to the entrance of the store.
“Speak of the spray-tanned devil,” Ronnie muttered.
Kat blinked in surprise as her boyfriend entered the supposedly closed shop.
“Oops.” Laura slid them a sheepish look. “I must have forgotten to lock that.”
“Probably because you were distracted by your giant yarn wiener.”
Smothering a giggle at Ronnie’s snarky tone, Kat shifted her gaze back to Tad. “This is unexpected,” she said, offering him a warm, albeit confused, smile.
“Sorry about showing up unannounced like this.” He propped his elbows on the counter. “But I had to see you.”
“That’s sweet.” Happiness fizzed inside her. Kat hung the clipboard back on the hook and joined him at the counter. “But I’m getting together with my friends tonight, remember?”
“Come on.” He reached out and tugged on her braid. “You can ditch ’em.”
“I really can’t.” She bit her lip, torn between appreciation for his apparent enthusiasm to see her and frustration at how easily he dismissed her plans. Her favorite Friday night ritual with her besties had been canceled the last three out of four times, once by Julia and twice by Andie. Kat had given them both a ton of shit about it. Threatened bodily harm if they canceled on her again. There was no way she was going to be the one to bail this time. “This couldn’t wait until tomorrow?”
“Actually, no.” The sharp edge to Tad’s voice made it clear he was put off by the fact she was putting him off. “I really need to talk to you now.” He shifted his attention to her coworkers. “Alone.”