So I kept my distance.
I’d also opted to take a year out of college. With everything that happened, my application was put on hold.
“Sian?” Dante said.
I glanced over my shoulder to see Dante waiting. Past him were Gideon, William, and Mateo.
All four waiting for me.
They had been so kind and considerate even though they’d done what was expected of them. Their initiation process had started. They didn’t need me anymore.
I turned back to Heather and pressed my fingers to my lips, kissed them, and placed them on her stone. “I love you so much and I miss you.” This time, as the tears fell, I didn’t wipe them away. I wanted them to last. The tears reminded me constantly that she’d been alive. Of her goodness that surrounded us.
“Are you okay?” Dante asked.
“Fine.”
He stood beside the passenger side of his car, door open, waiting, expectantly.
“I really feel like walking right now,” I said. I’d walked here. Gotten up earlier than normal, made myself a coffee in a travel mug, and left.
Harrison, Dante’s dad, had told me quite clearly I wasn’t a prisoner. I didn’t have to wait around for them. I was free to come and go as I pleased.
My life consisted of walking. I liked to walk. It helped to clear my mind.
“Then I’ll walk with you.”
I shook my head. “It’s fine.”
Dante was hurting. All of them were hurting. They had fucked up and they didn’t know how to make it right. Only, they hadn’t fucked up. This wasn’t their fault. They didn’t start the fire. What they didn’t do was protect Heather. Gideon made that promise to keep her safe and he failed.
I gave my virginity to him, and he’d fucking failed. My anger wasn’t justified. Deep down, I knew Heather’s death and my attack had to do with my father in some way. I just didn’t know how he got onto school grounds, or who he got to carry out the attack.
“Sian, please,” Dante said.
Shoving my hands into my pockets, I waited for him to speak. To say something. “What is it?” I asked.
“I don’t like you leaving like this.”
“Dante, I need to walk. That’s all.”
“Heather wouldn’t have wanted this.”
“Don’t presume to tell me what Heather would or wouldn’t have wanted. You didn’t know her. None of you did. You used her to get what you wanted and now she’s gone.” I pressed my lips together. Yelling at them wouldn’t bring her back.
They didn’t cause her death. I shouldn’t be angry at them. Deep in my heart, I knew this, but I also believed they could have saved her if they wanted to.
“Please, I need space.”
Dante gave in with a slump to his shoulders. Without looking at anyone else, I spun on my heel and walked. I didn’t go back toward Dante’s house. I headed toward a small café I’d seen a few days ago. I passed it a few times but never went inside.
The money I had was the small inheritance Drew had left me. Without her money, I would have to rely on them and their dads. It was bad enough I was living in one of their houses.
Now all I wanted was to find my mom and to get some clear answers. If they ever found them. It had been ten months, and it turned out my father, giant asshole that he was, knew how to fuck everything up.
I heard footsteps coming up behind me and I tensed up, but they slowed down, and were merely following me.
One glance over my shoulder, and I expected to see William.
Gideon followed. No one else.
“I should have known you wouldn’t have the first clue how to be considerate of a woman’s feelings.”
“I’m not stopping you from walking.”
“No, but you won’t give me the privacy I need.”
“It’s not privacy you need.”
I stopped and spun around. “And you’re going to tell me what I need?”
“Family. Friends. Love.”
Coming from Gideon, this made me laugh. Out of all the men, he’d been the main asshole. The domineering prick who’d tried to intimidate and shock me with what was expected of me.
“Take a look around you, Gideon. Family, friends, and love are all fucking gone. When are you going to see that? When are you going to realize I’ve lost everything?” I didn’t care who heard me.
The world could go fuck off for all I cared. My pain was so fucking high on the rating right now. Nothing could help me, nor did I want it to. I hated everyone and everything. Nothing made sense to me. My hatred of everything was so strong.
“Sian,” Gideon said. “You haven’t lost everything.”
“I don’t have you guys. Don’t even for a second say something like that.”
“Why? Because it’s the truth and you know it?”
“No, because I don’t have you, none of you. You made promises you couldn’t keep, and don’t tell me if The Society didn’t give you an instruction, you wouldn’t follow it. My mother was handed to a fucking monster at their request. For nearly nineteen years, she’s been living this fucked-up life. When are you going to realize how messed up all of this is?” I asked.
There were nights I’d wake up and I’d stand outside Dante’s room, waiting. Tempted to go in and try to find some peace in his arms. They hadn’t touched me since Halloween night. Since their initiation. None of them cared to.
Was it on purpose? Did they even want me now? They got what they wanted and now I wasn’t important?
Only, they stayed.
Was it because of their dads?
It was Lucas, Gideon’s dad, who told me they were going to take care of me, but it was Dante I picked.
I felt like I should be loyal to Heather and not trust any of them. They were not my friends. They used me and got what they wanted. Damn it, I sounded like a broken record. For ten months, I’d been having the same old dance inside my head. Blaming them, wanting them, hating them, and I hated this the most: loving them.
I couldn’t stop.
I didn’t want to stop.
Gideon stepped closer. I held my ground as he got closer and closer until his arms were wrapped around me. His face pressed against my head.
“You’re wrong, Sian. We would do what we needed to for The Society. There are rules in place to keep us grounded, but I wouldn’t do anything to hurt you. You’ve got to know that.” He kissed the top of my head again.
I grabbed the lapel of his jacket, pressing my face against his shirt, breathing him in. I missed his smell, slightly earthy with a hint of the luxury his life had to offer.
“You don’t know that.”
He held me tightly even as I wanted to get away.
“What happened with our dads and your mom, that wasn’t meant to be the deal. Alexander infiltrated them. He got between them, and it fucked everything up. He messed up their lives.”
“Without him, I wouldn’t be here.” After my memories and their sudden disappearance, along with the attack on the school, a brand-new paternity test had been taken. I was in fact Alexander’s. I was his daughter and Joan’s. Probably a good thing because while we were waiting for the results, I kept on being sick in my mouth at the thought of any of the guys being my brothers. That was just fucked up and gross.