I laugh at her reference. “Never thought of us as those two before, but you’re not wrong. I know I love him and I know he cares deeply for me, but let’s be honest: who hasn’t he slept with within a 15-mile radius of Grand Lake? Not that I’m judging. I don’t fault him for that, but it’s pretty clear to me that he’s still in the fun phase of his life. He doesn’t want the babies and white picket fence and all that.”
“How do you know that? It could be that he’s just got his head up his ass about how you feel about him, and if you were open and told him how you actually feel, he’d admit he feels the same way.” She has such a hopeful look on her face and I don’t blame her. If only it were that easy.
“We did kind of have that talk. He said we should talk about things since we’d hooked up a second time, and I flat-out asked him if he wanted what I wanted and he couldn’t tell me yes. He did the same song and dance of ‘maybe I’m not ready’ and ‘I don’t know.’ I don’t have time for that, Jade.”
“But did you tell him that you’re in love with him and want that life with him? Because that can make all the difference in some guys.”
“No.”
“Why not, August? I mean, you guys were literally, like, 95 percent there with that conversation, and then you left out the biggest factor.” She shakes her head in exasperation and I don’t blame her.
“Okay, you remember the summer after my freshman year of college when I came back to Grand Lake? I worked at that boat rental place like I did every summer and things seemed normal with all of us, right?”
She nods her head, turning her body a little more to face me.
“Well, the summer before that was when we first hooked up—right before I went off to college. So I came back and things were normal. I didn’t let it become awkward or anything, and we hung out. Then one night toward the end of summer, we hung out at our usual spot, having a few beers, and I asked him where he saw himself in 10 years. He talked about working for his dad, then traveling, fishing, and hunting with his brother and all that, but when I asked him about more—like a family—he just brushed it off.”
“Yeah, but August, that was just young-guy talk. You know they don’t think about anything past their penis at that age.” She gives her famous Jade eye roll.
“I know, but then I asked him if he ever wanted marriage and a family, and he said no, and that he just didn’t ever see himself settling down. At the time, it was a shock, and I remember thinking that this was my moment to tell him how I felt, so I said, ‘Well, maybe when you meet the right woman, she’ll make you realize you want those things.’ I even playfully bumped his shoulder, hoping and praying he’d say that I was that woman, but he looked right at me and said, ‘Maybe, but I sure as hell know I haven’t met her yet.’”
I look down at my hands, holding back a few tears that I know want to spring free and trickle down my cheek. I feel Jade place her hand on mine and I look up at her and laugh. “Silly to still be sad over something so trivial from 14 years ago, huh?”
“Nooo, it’s not. I’m sorry I said that a moment ago. I didn’t realize that’s where the story was going. I know that would’ve gutted me had Memphis said something like that when we were that age.”
“So when I suggested the friends-with-benefits situation to him, it was my pathetic and desperate attempt to convince him that I was that woman—the one who could make him see that what he’s wanted has been right in front of him this entire time.” I shake my head in embarrassment.
“Sometimes men are just dense. Have you considered just asking him if he’d be interested in pursuing an actual relationship?”
“I have, but the thought of exposing myself like that to him and being so vulnerable is crippling. I keep thinking that if I tell him and he doesn’t want it, then I know he’ll be weird and distant and it could forever damage our relationship. Then I wouldn’t even have the hope of a stolen kiss or drunken hookup, because he’d be so on guard as to not lead me on that he’d push me out completely. I just—I can’t lose him, Jade.” I try my hardest, but a few stray tears fall anyway. I grab my bar napkin and desperately dab at them, trying not to smear my makeup.
“Listen, I know I don’t have the answers, and I don’t want to sound like I’m trying to fix your problems, but I’ll just say this. There’s that quote, and I know I’ll mess it up so I’ll paraphrase, but it says something about how sometimes we’re too scared to go after what we want because we’re afraid we’ll fail and stumble and lose something. But the flip side of that is, what if you take the risk and end up getting everything you’ve ever hoped and wished for?” She squeezes my hand tighter before pulling me in for a hug.
I don’t know how to respond, so I just smile and nod and tell her that I promise I’ll think about it. I check the time and realize our friends will be here any moment.
“Hey, I’ll be right back. I need to freshen this up before they arrive,” I say, motioning around my face before heading to the restroom. I pull my phone out of my purse on the way over and check, hoping I’ll see Remi’s name on the screen, but there’s nothing. I let out a breath. This is the same routine I do about 15 times a day and it’s getting old.
I freshen up in the restroom, and when I step out and make my way back to the bar, I see Celeste, Quinn, Pearl, and Willow walking up with big smiles on their faces. I feel the tension instantly leave my body and I exhale slowly. A girls’ night is exactly the kind of wild fun I need to get my mind off my mess of a life.
“I’m pregnaaaaant!” Willow squeals, shoving a little black-and-white sonogram picture in our faces. The others squeal right along with her, embracing her and clapping their hands at the exciting news. I sit with my mouth momentarily hanging open. This is not the news I was expecting to hear. I blink twice at the picture in my face, trying to summon a smile. Finally, I feel my slack-jawed surprise turn into a smile.
“Oh my God! I’m so happy for you guys!” I say with sincerity. I truly am beyond happy for Willow and Landon in this moment, but it also feels like someone just stabbed me through the heart. I smile as broadly as I can, clapping and cheering so I don’t burst into tears.
I feel like a selfish asshole. It’s no wonder I don’t deserve happiness, I think to myself. Why would I when I want to cry my eyes out right now when another one of my friends is married with a beautiful baby on the way? I try to give myself some grace. It’s hard, after all, seeing everyone else live out my dream while I’m holding on to a shred of hope.
I watch in silence as Willow tells the story of how she found out and how she told Landon. She’s positively radiant—glowing with happiness. Her eyes are glassy with tears of joy and she pauses every now and then to dab them away before carrying on with the story. She’s going to make the most amazing and wonderful mom, and I know Landon will be the most kick-ass dad you can imagine. That’s one lucky baby.
Jade’s words float around my head as I try to make conversation with everyone. I let my mind imagine what it would be like to tell Remi how I actually feel—to bare my heart to him and finally tell him he’s the only person I want to spend my life with and that we could be amazing together if he would just give us a chance.