“Ah, yes. I can see where you would feel judged by that industry,” Michael agreed. “Especially if you had any kind of success.”
She spent all of her days now trying to go unnoticed. It was perverse that she was irritated by the fact that he didn’t recognize her. Still, she wanted to put off the moment when he realized what she was truly famous for. Not the roles she’d played or the people she’d entertained, but for marrying an old man and ruining his family. Oh, she could tell him the truth, but she hadn’t met anyone who believed her.
“I made some movies,” she replied, her hands coming together on her lap. “Did some TV spots. The constant scrutiny wore me down. I got out, but I still question myself every day. I can’t be satisfied with my body because for over a decade it was the only thing anyone cared about when it came to me. Not my talent or who I was deep down. It was all about how I looked.”
He nodded again, as though taking in everything she said and weighing the words. “A lot of the training you’ll go through with me will be to make you comfortable in your own skin, though again, it’s not a replacement for therapy. Have you talked to a professional?”
She’d had to jump through hoops to get to this point. “Of course. I had to talk to a man named Leo Meyer in order to be approved for training. I assure you he can verify my sanity.”
He smiled, but there was an odd sympathy behind the expression. “Therapy isn’t about sanity. It’s about self-care. It’s about figuring yourself out. I should know because I’ve been. For about five years after I left the military, I had weekly appointments with a therapist who helped me work through things I saw and did during my time there. It helped me figure out who I am and what I want.”
She liked the fact that he didn’t have a problem talking about his therapy. She’d never been because it had seemed like a bad idea. She’d had someone to talk to. She’d had Ashton, and now she worried anyone she did talk to would turn on her. “Then no, I haven’t really talked to anyone. I don’t trust many people.”
He sat back. “All right, one of the conditions for taking you on is to see a therapist twice a week while we’re training. I think you should see a woman though.”
“I have to go to therapy to be able to go to The Club?” She didn’t like the thought of that. No one had mentioned conditions. “You can’t make me do that.”
Michael had a pen out, marking up the contract she’d been given. “No, I can’t. I can require it to work with me, but obviously I can’t force you to do anything you don’t want to do.”
“But if I don’t, you’ll make Julian find me another Dom and set me back weeks.”
“How do you think this is going to work?” Michael asked, one brow rising.
There was the command she’d expected. He was very approachable, but there was a bit of Julian Lodge in the man. “I think you’re going to show me around and teach me the rules.”
That brow rose to even higher heights. “No, I’m going to be your top. This isn’t a training group where we meet up for a few hours a week for class and homework and I pretend to top you. This is an advanced training relationship. I’m your top, and that means I’m responsible for you for the time laid out in that contract. I take my position seriously. Unlike a training class, I’ll be taking you into The Club immediately, and that means you behavior will reflect on me. We’re both trying to attain a membership here. Your training and progress will be part of my evaluation.”
She hadn’t thought about that. “So we’ll meet more often than club nights?”
“Much more often. I was going to suggest we start at my place tomorrow night, but perhaps you would be more comfortable either here or in a public setting.”
“I didn’t think we would see each other…” She stopped because he was already iffy about her. Learning that he might not get what he wanted if she didn’t comply made the situation much more dangerous to her end goal. Michael was her entryway to where she needed to be, and if he rejected her, it could be weeks before another Dom became available. Or she could be sent to the other club for their training class and not allowed on the dungeon floor here for at least two months. She brought her eyes up, forcing a confidence she didn’t feel. “I’m fine coming to your place. Or here, if you prefer. I don’t think my place is suitable, Sir. And perhaps having someone to talk to would be good for me.”
He stared at her for a moment, a penetrating look that made her want to squirm. “Just like that?”
“When I think about it, it makes sense. And I’m trying to not follow my instincts since they haven’t been all that helpful so far.” She forced herself to look into his eyes and give the performance of a lifetime. Despite her critics, she thought she was pretty good at acting. “Sir, I’m tired of hating my body. I’m tired of not understanding why some people think sex is important because it doesn’t feel important to me. I want to know what my sister knew at the end.”
Oh, she meant that. She wanted to know who killed her sister, wanted to see that man before she sent him to jail. Or maybe to Hell, since the system didn’t work. At least not for people like her.
For a moment, she thought he would deny her, but then he picked up the contract again.
“Should we go over this?”
She’d been over it, but she knew what he meant. He was asking her to go through the portions where she described her hard and soft limits, whether or not she was willing to open their relationship up to sex.
She nodded.
“Good. I think we should take sex off the table for now. How about we leave intimacy open to a future discussion,” Michael offered. “We can take this as slowly as we need to go. I won’t go into any interaction with you expecting sex, and any intimate touching will be discussed before the session.”
Slow wouldn’t help her. Slow meant she wouldn’t be allowed in the dungeon. “Like what kind of touching?”
“You said you wanted to explore sex, but I want you to be comfortable with me before you make any decisions regarding how we proceed.”
She needed this man on board and quickly. If he decided she was too much trouble, then he would likely ask Julian for a new submissive. Or Julian would decide that all on his own because he was watching her.
She was out of practice. She’d gotten used to not having to play this role. With Dani and the clients she worked with, she could be herself. Or rather a version she preferred. She needed to be someone else in order to get this job done.
It was only a role. It wasn’t like the thought of Michael touching her got her heart racing. How long had it been since she’d been touched by a man who had no real idea who she was? Who didn’t think she was a celebrity who might bring him some fame? Or a whore who might make him infamous?
Wouldn’t it be nice to simply sink into the role laid out in front of her? Did she have to hold her nose and make her way through it? Or could she actually find something out about herself, too?
“I’m not being brave,” she said, taking a deep breath and hoping she said the next words with conviction. “Sir, I want to explore this, and while I don’t think we should jump into bed, I also don’t want to take that off the table. The only thing I have a worse relationship with than my body is my sexuality. Sex has always been something I performed and didn’t feel. I’d like to explore the difference with you. You were honest with me. I’ll be honest with you. I’m thirty-two years old, and I don’t think I’ve ever had a real orgasm. I’ve felt some pleasure, but nothing like what my sister described. Not like what other women seem to feel.”