I don’t have to see Adelaide’s face to know she has wide eyes and an even wider smile. “Surprises are my favorite.”
“Then let’s go see what he got you.” She takes her eyes away from Adelaide, and just that quickly, every shadow is apparent on her wrinkle-free face as she makes eye contact with me for the first time. Her mouth tightens and she gives me a quick nod before turning on her heel and heading inside, closing the door behind her.
“Holy shit.” Jude appears at my side, reminding me that she came along and I’m not the only one who’ll cause my mom’s jaw to clench today. “Who was that woman? Because it was not the Gloria Turner I know.”
“Right? It freaks me out every time I see them together. Adelaide has magic woven into her DNA. Nobody can stay mad around that girl.” I reach into the back seat, grabbing my bag with the custody papers in them off the floor. I still haven’t read them all the way through. Each time I sit down to do it, my stomach turns and my head spins. Hopefully having my mom and Kim—the lawyer my mom hired—going over them with me, they won’t seem as scary.
Hopefully.
Adelaide made the walk to the front door look so easy, but all I feel is dread knowing what’s waiting for me inside. “And please, don’t try to get my mom all worked up today.”
“Me? Work up your mom?” Her eyes widen and she holds a hand to her chest, an affronted caricature. “I would never.”
“You would and you do so often. It’s just . . .” My hand freezes, hovering above the doorknob. “Just not today, okay? I really need you to have my back in here.”
The laughter that’s always just beneath the surface with Jude disappears. She grabs my wrist with her long, slender fingers and levels me with a look I haven’t seen since I told her about Ben’s affair . . . I mean, affairs (plural). “I’ll always have your back. I’m not sure you understand how much I love you and Addy. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for you two”—the mischievous glint returns to her bright blue eyes—“including leaving your mom alone for an afternoon. But all bets are off tomorrow.”
“That’s all I ask.” I shake my head, my eyes rolling without any of the intended irritation behind them.
A little bit of the pressure I always feel when I have to talk to my mom eases from my chest, and I open the door feeling more confident than I did before.
Sure, living with Jude wasn’t part of my master plan, but maybe it should’ve been. Having her on my side is what I needed. She might’ve been onto something with the whole “sister wife” thing.
* * *
• • •
“Full custody?” I’m not sure how many times I’ve said those words, but they still aren’t really registering. “I mean . . . full custody?”
“How is that possible?” Jude takes charge of the conversation I lost control of as soon as our lovely and extremely competent lawyer, Kim, finished reading the custody papers and told me what Ben was asking for. “He wasn’t even involved in her life for what? Three years? And even before then, it’s not like he helped while they were still together.”
“Because there’s no paper trail proving otherwise. This is why I asked you if you had a child support agreement in place when you first left him.” My mom levels me with a glare that makes me want to shrivel up and die. And even though she’s trying her best to remain calm and professional in front of her colleague, I can hear the anger in her voice. She’s a hairsbreadth away from losing her temper.
“I just thought that leaving him alone was the best way to go.” I bring my hand up to my face and start chewing on my nails before I realize I’m doing it. “I didn’t want to force his hand.”
“And look where that got you!” my mom snaps. “Child support is not only about getting money for your child, it’s about legal documentation to protect you down the line. If you would’ve listened to me, for once, Lauren, this could’ve been avoided! But instead, you lied to me, again! Now, you have to go to court against your ex, a white doctor. What do you think he’s going to do? Because I already know. You’re going to be the angry Black woman, the vindictive baby mama who kept his daughter away from him. And you’re not going to have any proof that you aren’t.”
Okay.
I was wrong.
Now I want to shrivel up and die.
Nobody can make me feel as small as my mom does.
I keep chewing on my fingernails, not saying anything as I wait for the burning behind my eyes to subside. I will not cry. I will not prove to her just how weak I am.
“Okay, well.” Kim shuffles the papers on her desk and avoids making eye contact with my mom. I’m sure Kim is shooketh to see the always contained Gloria Turner lose it, but if she sticks around long enough, I can guarantee it won’t be the last time. My mom doesn’t lose her temper often, but when she does, it always seems to be reserved for me. “There’s nothing we can do about the past, but what we can focus on are these upcoming months.”
My mom closes her eyes and takes a deep breath, visibly trying to regain her composure.
Is this what Adelaide sees when I do it? Because if it is, I really need to find a new calming method.
“You’re the expert, Kim.” My mom takes a seat in the chair next to me, her voice calm and measured again. It’s almost like the outburst never happened. “What strategies have proven most successful in the past?”
“First things first. Any paper trail you have, Lauren? We need it. Old texts, emails, day care bills, bank statements. Anything that can prove Ben was truly absent and unreliable up until very recently.”
I don’t tell her that I tried to call more than I emailed or texted. I had hoped that hearing my voice or Adelaide’s voice would make him more likely to step up.
I’m such a fucking idiot.
“Okay, I can do that.” I nod, trying to keep the guilt out of my voice.
Out of the corner of my eye, I see Jude taking notes on her phone. Like she promised, she hasn’t done anything to rile my mom up. Actually, I’m not sure she’s been silent this long in her entire life.
“Next, we need to think of ways we can prove that you aren’t vindictive or angry. You are a loving mom who has done nothing but focus on providing the most loving environment for your daughter. References from your daughter’s teachers. Have you been class mom? Do you volunteer frequently? Playdate groups? Anything that we can use to show you in a glowing light.”
“I volunteered in Adelaide’s classes whenever I had the opportunity, but it was hard to do too much because of work.” Even though I moved in with my parents, Los Angeles is still expensive. I couldn’t live in the school like some of the stay-at-home moms I know. “I did sign Adelaide up for playgroup with kids from her new school. Maybe her gymnastics teachers could vouch for me? Ben has never even stepped foot in the gym.”