“You heard me. What did you feel when you saw me? You still want my boyfriend standing?”
“Kid…”
“What? I want an answer! What did you feel? Do you ever feel anything when you’re with me? Do you ever think about me? Dream about me?” I knew I sounded like a child, but I couldn’t help it. Those questions constantly plagued me. I needed to know his feelings.
Right now.
“I’m not having this conversation with you.”
“Why? Because maybe, just maybe, you feel the same things I feel for you?”
“Quit fucking baiting me.”
“No!” The liquor coursing through my veins made it easier to ask him all the questions I wanted to know. “Tell me!”
“Autumn, stop! Don’t do this to yourself.”
“But you said I would always be your number one girl.”
“You are. But I can’t tell you what you want to hear. I’ll never be able to tell you what you need to hear.”
“Why? I don’t understand! Why do you look at every girl other than me? Why can’t you see me? Why can’t you look at me? Please, I just want you to look at me! Really fucking look at me! I’m standing right here! Telling you I’m in lov—”
“Don’t you fucking dare.” He put his finger out in front of him, silencing me. “What do you want me to say, Autumn? You want me to tell you that I wanted to rip him apart the second I saw him pull you into his arms as you made your way over to your brother? You want me to tell you that every time you wear that little uniform, I think about all the ways I could take you in it? Is that what you want to hear? What else do you want me to tell you?”
His expression turned heady, matching my own. Our stares tethered, and for a moment, I saw a certain vulnerability and uncertainty pass through him I could feel deep within my bones. However, just as quickly as it appeared, it was gone. His primal gaze disappeared, shutting off our connection and truths we briefly shared for just a few moments in time.
There he was, balancing on the thin line which had suddenly become us.
Me.
With a hard edge in his voice, he asked, “What do you think would happen if your brother knew what I just said to you?’
“I don’t care.”
“Well, I do. Your family has done more for me than anyone in all my life. I won’t fuck that up. Not even … for you.”
I jerked back, feeling the weight of his statement.
“I’m sorry, kid. I never wanted to hurt you. It’s easier like this. Me staying away from you.”
“Easier for who?”
“I’m not that guy. I won’t fight for you. I won’t choose you over them. I can’t. Please try to understand and stop trying to force my hand.”
I didn’t know which was worse—thinking he didn’t care about me or knowing he did but wouldn’t do anything about it.
“Do you think it’s been easy for me to push you away? Do you think it’s been easy on me to see you go from a little girl who used to follow me around and look at me like I was the answer to her little fairy tale? Do you think it’s been easy on me to know that I’m not? You’re not mine, Autumn, and you never will be. Stop trying to make me claim you because I won’t.”
I didn’t want to cry. I wouldn’t be able to stop.
It would consume me.
And it did.
I blinked, and tears fell down the sides of my face. I had never felt worse. Only adding to my tears and the hurt of his replies I so wanted to forget.
I wouldn’t.
I couldn’t.
Getting your heart broken for the first time was like having the wind knocked out of you by the force of a level five hurricane.
I wanted to die.
I felt like I was.
With the back of his fingers, he wiped away my tears. His flesh burned my skin, making me feel like maybe this was hell. The one I’d created for myself.
He held his head up higher, maintaining his strong composure. Every devastated bone in my body wanted to beg him to give me a chance.
To give us a chance.
Knowing it was no use. His loyalty didn’t stand with me—it stood with my family, and that was the hardest pill to swallow.
Wasn’t I his family too?
“You need to forget about me.”
“You say that like it’s so easy.”
“It should be.”
“But all I’ve ever wanted is you.”
“You don’t even know what that means, kid.”
“That’s not fair.”
“Life’s not fair.”
Neither one of us said anything for I don’t know how long until he tugged on the end of my hair.
“Let’s go get you some food, and then I’ll take you home.”
“Where’s Christian?”
“He left with Kinley. I told him I’d find you and make sure you got home safely.”
“Did you know what I was doing?”
“Something like that.”
“So now what? We go back to pretending you don’t notice me?”
He didn’t say anything, but he didn’t have to. The expression on his face spoke for itself. It spoke volumes.
“Awesome. Thanks for nothing.”
I turned and left him there, ready to go break down in the bathroom at the arena of the rodeo. I didn’t realize we’d walked so far out to the woods. My heart hurt so profoundly I was surprised I was still breathing.
Head bowed.
My world tumbling around me.
Tears continued to cascade down my cheeks, and I bet I looked like a mess. Dark black mascara leaving lines on my face.
When it felt as if I couldn’t walk any longer, my legs giving out on me, I heard Julian loudly exclaim, “For fuck’s sake!”
I stopped and turned around at the same time he gripped onto the nook of my neck and slammed his mouth against mine.
He. Kissed. Me.
Julian kissed me.
I was shocked, confused, and overwhelmed. My eyes shut tightly, my breathing hitched, and my arms fell to my sides in defeat. All the sadness in me was gone. Feeling what I had wanted for so damn long. His lips were rough but smooth against mine. My heart drummed so fast, I swear he could hear it. My knees went weak the longer his lips stayed on mine. It was the most overpowering, mind-blowing, consuming emotion I’d ever felt in my entire life.
There would be no coming back from this. Ruining me for every other boy who might come along.
Reading my mind, he slowly parted his lips and pull me closer. Molding us into one person. I melted against him as I parted my lips, following his lead. Matching the same rhythm he’d set for me.
The second his tongue touched mine, I thought I was going to die. Right then and there, in his arms, with our mouths fused. I pulled back my tongue, and he took it as an open invitation to slide his into my awaiting mouth. Our tongues whirled in their own game of push and pull, turning this kiss into something more than I’d ever expected.
I wasn’t the only one losing my mind—Julian was getting lost in me too.
No words could come close to describing what was happening at that moment between us. The feelings he stirred deep within my heart matched my emotions with each stroke of his tongue. Feelings I didn’t think were possible to experience. Emotions I didn’t even think existed.