I told Charm I’d go out with her today, but it’s going to be a lie. There’s no way I’m going out, not looking like this.
I grab my phone from the corner of the sink and open up my messages.
To: Charm
I can’t make it today. I’m sorry.
I click send, and the moment I do, it’s read, and the three little dots are appearing. I tap the button on the side to get the screen to go dark, and sure enough, it lights up. She’s already messaged me back.
I swipe the phone up and click Spotify, tap on Lennon Stella and listen to the song that feels like it was made for me. “Older Than I Am” is my most listened-to song. The lyrics in it have a way of speaking to your soul. I know it has for me. It’s the song you can cry and sing from the rooftops to.
My doorbell rings, and I turn. I’m not expecting anyone, so I turn my music off and walk downstairs. Once I’m on the main floor, I head to the door, and through the glass, I spot a familiar redhead. I debate retreating, but the way she’s shaking her hand in front of the glass tells me I better not. “I see you, so don’t you dare think you can skedaddle to wherever it is you’re going.”
Sighing in defeat, I walk forward and unlock the front door. She pushes it open and glares at me as if I’ve betrayed her in the worst of ways. “What the hell is going on with you? We have plans, Fern. I don’t just get to go out whenever I feel like it anymore. I have responsibilities, I have—”
“You have kids, I know. I get it,” I grit, frustrated beyond belief with her. She has the one thing I wish I could have. The one thing I almost had until my malformed uterus killed the child I ached for. I have a tilted uterus, and during my second trimester, my baby girl became trapped between my pelvic bone. The doctors assured me it was rare for it to happen in such a way, and many women with tilted uteruses have normal births. I didn’t care. It didn’t matter to me. I’d just left my shitbag of a boyfriend, and having another baby wasn’t an option for me. Not after the pain I experienced. It was too much to bear.
I scheduled sterilization shortly after. I knew I never wanted to go through the same thing ever again. I fell in love with my child, cared about my little girl more than anything else, and my entire world crumbled when the doctor told me there wasn’t a heartbeat. At twenty, I had my tubes tied and I don’t regret it. Not if there’s the risk of loss again. It’s not worth it. I barely survived losing her, and I won’t ever be able to lose another. At least now I won’t have to.
“What the hell, Fern? What’s with the attitude? I asked Fenrir to watch the kids so we could have a girls’ day, and you cancel on me super last minute. Like, really?”
“What do you want me to say, huh? I don’t feel like going out. I don’t feel like walking out there and having people look at me, having kids call me a freak or the stares from the judgmental old ladies. I can’t handle it today!” I scream, tears welling behind my eyes. As much as I love Charm, she won’t ever understand the struggles I go through every day.
“I get you’re going through a lot. Trust me, I do, but at some point, you have to leave your house. You can’t hide in here forever, Fern. Life doesn’t work that way.”
“Life works in whatever way I want it to,” I snap, staring daggers at my best friend.
Charm scoffs and stares at me in shock with her mouth open. “I love you, but I won’t stand around and watch you slowly kill yourself. Take the fucking day, Fern, but next time I’m not going to walk out this damn door,” Charm hisses at me, turns, and walks straight out of my house.
On her way out, she slams my front door, and the impact of what happened seconds ago hits me. Tears come rolling down my cheeks and my knees buckle. I hit the floor and wrap my arms around myself. I’m anything but okay. In fact, I don’t know if I’ll ever be okay again.
My heart hurts.
My body hurts.
My soul hurts.
Every part of me hurts, and no one understands the pain I live with every day. No one understands what this is like.
Chapter Three
Runes
After getting off the phone with my lawyer about the situation going on with my son, I find myself in a foul mood and need to go for a ride. Being inside right now isn’t something I can handle. Not after the way the conversation went.
The judge granted me temporary full custody, which should be a win, but it isn’t. My lawyer informed me this is only a stepping stone, how it’s only temporary while we deal with all the bullshit going on with Tor’s mother. Our main priority right now is keepin’ him from his mother’s grasp.
Tor didn’t want to have to talk about what he endured by his mother’s hand, so we have to do this a different way. It means I get to deal with the headache of making sure he stays with me.
The lawyer told me most judges will stick the child with their mother right off the bat, but they look at the circumstances of each side of the household. And although the judge will take Tor’s decision into consideration, they like for the parents to have a stable home.
So, of course, what the hell do I tell him?
I said I’d prove to the courts I have a stable home for Tor to live in. What I didn’t think about was how I was gonna do this shit. But when push comes to shove, he’s my kid. Fuck, he’s my son, and no matter what I have to do, I’ll make sure he’s with me. Even if I have to find a woman to marry, I will. I won’t let my son go back to the bitch for even a split second. I’ll die before it happens.
Hillary didn’t take too kindly to the fact our son isn’t coming home. She threw a fit, drove all the way down here from Georgia. Tor was at Fenrir’s house at the time, and I knew if I saw her, I’d do something I might end up regretting.
Granted, I wouldn’t ever regret killing the whore, but for Tor, I gotta do this by the book. I fuck up and end up going to prison, that leaves him vulnerable. It doesn’t matter he’s seventeen. In the court of law, it’s up to the judge to decide. Until he’s eighteen, what he wants doesn’t matter. The judge might not even fuckin’ listen to him now.
“Fenrir, you should’ve heard her.” Charm’s voice hits my ears as I walk into the main room of the clubhouse. I’m headin’ in from the hall leading toward the rooms. I glance in the direction her voice came from to see her sitting with my VP at the bar. She looks really upset, which isn’t normal for her. She’s one of the strongest women I know.
“You know this is difficult for her. I’ll go talk to her if you want me to,” Fenrir mutters.
They must be talking about Fern, Charm’s best friend. She was caught in a fire nearly three months ago. My brothers and I have our suspicions about who could’ve started the fire, but we don’t have enough proof to confirm who’s responsible.
Fern ended up being burned on her left side. It’s been a while since I’ve seen her, but at the hospital, they looked bad. They went from her cheek down her neck, and she had her arm burned pretty bad too. Fuck, the night I found her in the parkin’ lot, I tried to touch her and, well, fuck. The way she screamed will forever be burned into my memory. According to Charm, the burns go down to Fern’s knee.