“You know what I mean.”
I knew.
A long deep exhale on the other end of the line. “Have you thought about getting in touch with her?”
“No.” I had. So many times. So many nights I’d stared at the ceiling wanting to speak to her again. But there were too many reasons to let her live the life she was meant to live and never open myself up to the kind of pain that only came from nearly destroying yourself and someone else at the same time.
“Why not?”
“What good would it do?” All it would prove to me was how much things hadn’t changed, and that was scarier than any door slamming in my face.
The doorbell rang.
I peered around out into the hallway. No one was allowed onto this floor without being on the list or living here, and my neighbors weren’t exactly known for asking to borrow a cup of sugar. “I’ve got to go. Someone’s at the door.”
“Okay, see you next week. And think about it.”
“I will.”
I checked through the peephole and took a deep steady breath. Opening the door, I smiled at my visitor, who used to be much more than someone who’d ring the doorbell and wait for me to let them in.
Alice stood in the hallway. She wore the camel-colored coat I’d bought her last year, although the leaves had barely begun to turn. Her blonde, pin-straight hair was wrapped in a knot at the base of her neck.
The first time I’d seen her, I thought I was finally ready for something serious. She was beautiful, kind, and uncomplicated. After that summer, I’d exclusively dated women who could never be confused with Bay. I’d thought the drinks I’d had with Alice two years ago were progress in moving past all the crazy, complicated feelings surrounding Bay. They weren’t.
“Can I come in?” She tugged on her earlobe, her earrings jingling.
I stepped back. “Of course.”
Using the overpriced espresso machine, I made her a cappuccino the way she liked and set it down on the table, moving to the chair opposite her. The chair glided along the marble floor.
We hadn’t spoken in months, even after the quiet way things ended between us. It had been nearly silent the night she left. No dramatic glass breaking, screaming, blood-thumping emotions. It had been over and we had both known it.
“How have you been?”
I took a swig of my green drink, needing to do something with my hands. We sat quietly at the table like two strangers left alone when their mutual friend left for the bathroom.
“Good. Great, actually.” Her cup clinked against the saucer as she set it down. Awkwardness crawled the walls, trying to escape the discomfort of the room. Her smile was polite, sincere, but not the one she’d had for me when I’d told her about the place I’d found for us to live after the move. She still had her gloves and coat on, like she wanted to sprint from the room at a moment’s notice.
Join the party.
Was it always this awkward with an ex? Not that it wouldn’t have been a lot more awkward to be stuck in a room with Bay, but there had always been a familiarity with Bay, even when she was threatening to feed me my balls.
Alice and I been together for almost eighteen months. Now, three months after it had all fallen apart, it felt like we hadn’t seen each other for years. Sitting across from her, it felt like we’d never been more than acquaintances.
“How have you been? I’ve heard more of the trade talks swirling around.”
“I was on the phone with Ernie a little while ago. We’re talking, but nothing definitive yet.” The faucet dripped. Why had she shown up after months of nothing? My stomach knotted at the thought that she might want to get back together. We hadn’t been right for each other. Nothing had shown me that more than her leaving having almost no impact on my life. She deserved better than someone who could watch her walk away and have it not slice them in half.
I grasped for something, anything to talk about. Like her new boyfriend, a wide receiver for New York. “Mac’s in trade talks too, right?”
Her hands jerked and a few drops of her drink splashed to the chestnut table. “Sorry.” She jumped up and grabbed a paper towel and sponge before returning to the table. Taking off her gloves, she ran the sponge over the spot and cleaned up behind it with the paper towel before depositing them both back in the kitchen. “He is. The deadline is in a few months, so they’re trying to hammer it all out now.”
Cleaning mode was her go-to when she was avoiding a topic. She’d always start with the fridge, my closet, then hers. You picked up on the little ticks after being with someone for a while.
“You can tell me, Alice.”
She froze with her hand on the cabinet hiding the trash can. The door closed, whisper quiet. There were no banging doors here. Everything was muffled, muted, subdued, from the colors to the furnishings to the acoustics. It was all classic and timeless, and I was still afraid of spilling stuff on the couches.
Her back straightened and she turned around, walking toward me with glistening eyes. “I know it hasn’t been long since we broke up. I didn’t want you to find out from anyone else.”
She released the hands she’d been clasping in front of her. A glinting diamond sat on her ring finger. It rivaled the size of the one I’d given her.
I took a moment. I didn’t try to force myself to feel anything. I checked every emotion running through my head without trying to feel anything specific.
Standing, I lifted her hand and checked out the ring.
Her hand trembled and I covered it with mine. “I’m happy for you both.”
She let out a watery laugh and wiped her eyes with the back of her free hand. “You are? I know it’s too soon and I know it’s crazy. I never—” Her eyes filled with absolute conviction. “I never went behind your back. I never even thought about anyone else when we were together.”
“I know.” Alice wouldn’t do that. She was everything any guy could want in a girlfriend, or in a wife. Just not for me. Unfortunately, her heart had been totally in our relationship, and I’d thought mine had been too. It hadn’t. “Don’t worry about me. I’m happy for you. I’ve seen the pictures. You two look like the perfect fit.”
“It’s crazy how quickly it’s all gone.” She let out a wry chuckle, her eyes shining with disbelief and unadulterated joy. “One minute we were at the Headstrong Foundation gala and then we’d spent three weeks together non-stop. I moved in that month.”
“Sometimes, when you know, you know.” I tasted the words on my tongue. There wasn’t a hint of bitterness or the acrid bite of sadness and regret, only happiness that she’d found someone who could give her what she deserved.
That’s when the sadness hit like a thud in the center of my chest, trying to crack through my sternum.
Alice slid her hand out of mine and wrapped her arms around me. “I hope you find her again.”
“Who?” My muscles went rigid. I’d never spoken to her about Bay. I’d never spoken to anyone other than Knox about her. Not even to LJ, Berk, Reece and Nix. In all the digging tabloids had done over the years about her, other than a few fast trivia facts about the two of us attending the same high school and the coincidence of her first performance being at one of the many fights in my early career, there hadn’t been any ties between us.