But now I was back where I started and felt like an alien trying to learn how to communicate.
My phone still sat in my lap, the screen was now off and I looked down at my reflection. I didn’t want to hurt him more than I already had.
I dragged myself out of the bus and grabbed my lone bag on the pavement beside it. The hotel door man held the door for me. Laughter and chatter from the hotel restaurant poured into the lobby. My ride up to my floor in the elevator was thankfully solo. The hotel halls were quiet. My door lock beeped and I was welcomed into yet another hotel room. The shine had worn off quickly after the first ten or twelve.
Not wanting to message him yet, I checked Knox’s social media since Keyton didn’t have any. There were pictures of him and Keyton moving into their new place and selfies with Knox’s parents. They were from a few hours ago. The buildings in the background were on campus.
He was here. He was close.
I shot up off my bed and threw my shoes back on.
In the elevator, I tried to formulate a plan. Knox was updating regularly and posted a video of him standing on the beach with his parents smiling beside him. The beach I’d stared out at during my meeting with Maddy.
Anticipation hummed in my veins. They weren’t far from here. In the lobby, I rushed toward the doors only to stumble back and jump behind a marble column.
Keyton walked in through the doors I’d come through less than an hour ago with Knox and Knox’s parents.
My breath froze in my lungs like I’d been chucked onto an ice flow. Was this the universe telling me I hadn’t ruined everything? Was this the universe forgiving my selfishness and cowardice?
He was in a white button-down shirt and black pants. He and Knox were dressed the same except for the colors of their shirts.
My heart ached and yearned for him. Sleeping alone in a bunk on a tour bus surrounded by strangers, I missed the strong comfort of his arms around me.
He laughed, and closed his umbrella. Knox’s parents had their own. He looked good. He was smiling. He didn’t look tired or angry.
I wanted to run to him. I wanted to fling myself at him and tell him I was sorry. How sorry and wrong I’d been to leave the way I did.
Unable to stop myself, I took out my phone and tapped on his name. I’d stared at the empty text box for long hours backstage before a show, and longer hours on the tour bus, my body rocking to the roll of the road and my fingers unable to formulate a complete sentence to him.
But seeing him, I knew I couldn’t stop myself. The unfairness of it all wasn’t lost on me. I’d been the one to leave, but now I was coming back. Coming back for him.
With shaky fingers, I typed out the message.
Me: I’m going to be in LA soon. I’d like to see you.
His head dipped, the smile still there, and he kept up with the conversation. He pulled out his phone and stared at the screen. The smile dropped off his face and my stomach plummeted.
He stared at his phone for long soul-shredding moments.
So long I could feel the pulse of blood through my veins by how tightly I gripped my phone.
His fingers tightened around the edges.
Even from here, I could see the strain. I could feel the turmoil roiling inside him.
My vision blurred and a burning started at the back of my nose making my tears build in the corners of my eyes.
Knowing it was unfair. Knowing I didn’t deserve it. Knowing this was a mistake I couldn’t take back, but hoping with every cell in my body I could talk to him again, I sent another message.
Me: Please.
The dimmed screen lit up again in his grasp. Using his thumb, he turned it off and slipped the phone back into his pocket.
He rejoined his group and whispered to Knox. Knox’s eyes widened and he looked back at Keyton.
“Mom and Dad, we have a change of plans for dinner. There’s another great place we found around here during training camp, and think you’ll love it.”
His parents looked to him in surprise, but they slipped back into their easygoing banter and were back out the door.
It felt like someone had planted a boot in the center of my chest and wouldn’t let up. Instead of going back to my room, I walked out following a minute or so behind.
They turned the corner when my feet hit the sidewalk. He never looked back and why should he?
I walked in the opposite direction toward the water.
Kicking my shoes off I let my feet sink into the damp sand and walked toward the water.
Not far from the lapping waves, I sat and brought my knees up and wrapped my arms around them. Wetness seeped into my jeans, inching its way around my hips, until the fabric was a sodden mess.
The wind breezed across the sand, sending shivers through my body. Waves crashed in the distance and I stared out at the darkness in front of me with only the moon and dots of lights floating on the horizon.
Hope that he’d answer my message died with every passing minute. Then everything around me was bathed in darkness.
The lights of the beachfront restaurant had been turned off right along with my hope.
Night stretched out in front of me with a sadness that sunk bone deep. Wisps of color appeared in front of me, creating my silhouette in the sand. I unfolded myself, gasping at the pins and needles shooting through my body. The sun rose behind me, but it didn’t bring the hopeful promise of a new day, only the emptiness that spread out in front of me, like my soul was becoming the shadow in the sand.
The battery icon on my phone turned an angry red. Percentage numbers ticked away down into the single digits. And no new notifications.
Numb, aching and relearning how to walk, I stumbled back into the hotel. Turning on the shower, I leaned into the burn and let it warm my skin, but it didn’t reach inside. It couldn’t warm me. Instead, I focused on what I had left.
The lyrics rolled through my head. Wrapped in a towel, I grabbed my notebook and let the words spill out of me. My tears mingled with the ink on the page.
I shoved my clothes back into my bag and headed downstairs walking to the loading bay where the bus was parked. The bottom compartment was opened, filled with bags and equipment.
Maddy walked down the stairs of the bus, her eyes wide. “You’re here.”
My shoulders shrunk and I stared at the concrete between us. “If that’s okay with you.”
She wrapped her arms around me, almost at eye level in her boots. “Of course it’s okay. I was always happy to have you. I—” She let me go and took a step back. “I know this isn’t the way you wanted this to go, but you’re not alone. Remember the music and keep it close to you.”
“I wrote some new songs.” My voice broke on the last word.
His final gift to me. He’d unlocked the one thing that would take me away.
I’d console myself with the strings of my guitar, the melodies floating through my mind and the lyrics that reminded me of him.
If I couldn’t have him in the flesh, at least I could in my dreams until I learned to let him go.
2
Keyton
“I have enough money. I want to talk to Wisconsin.” I doused my head in water and upped the speed on the treadmill for the last five minutes of my workout.
“Do you know how cold it is up there?” Ernie groused from the speaker of my phone.
My feet pounded on the treadmill in the second bedroom of my fifty-fifth-floor apartment with a view of the Philadelphia skyline. The TV flicked to the sports segment of the local news.