“And you don’t think that will happen if she’s in my company.”
“I didn’t say that.”
“You were thinking it.”
“Well, yes, Mr. Volkov. I told you, she considers you a threat, and since she doesn’t really remember you, being in your presence will make her case worse.”
“How about our son? He’s five years old.”
“I’m afraid that in her current state, he’ll do more harm than good. She thinks herself to be Winter and that she lost a child. If she sees another child this soon, it might backfire and lead to further complications. Her psychosis is quite volatile and unpredictable right now and it’s better not to put pressure on her mental state. Give her time and try to fill the gap for him as much as possible.”
“What if I talk to her?”
“You talking to her is the reason she’s been having those panic attacks. She believes herself to be Winter and you keep calling her Lia.” She pauses. “It’d be better to put some distance between the two of you for now.”
I want to tell her that won’t be happening.
That there’s no way I’m leaving Lia alone.
Fuck psychotherapy and all its nonsense. Lia and I will write our own story, and for that to happen, she needs to stay by my side.
However, I’ve seen my wife’s panic attacks. I’ve witnessed the numbness in her eyes, and before that, I experienced her complete surrender when she jumped off that cliff.
Deep down, I know I need to let her go.
Even if only temporarily.
Even if it means shredding a fucking piece of my chest.
Dr. Taylor says something about recommending a fellow psychotherapist so that I’ll leave her alone, but I shoo her away with two fingers. She hurries down the hall, her heels clicking along as she keeps staring back at me and Kolya.
I face the window with drawn shutters and although I can’t see Lia inside, I can feel her.
She’s become a part of me.
At the beginning, I only got close to her because of who she is and the role she plays in my system. However, she slowly but surely has become an integral part of my life.
She made me lose control more than once when I thought myself incapable of such blasphemy.
Lia didn’t just challenge me, she also seeped under my skin and clashed into my bones.
Now, I have to let her go for her own good.
Because even though I need her in my life and crave the softness she brings to my ragged edges, I have apparently cut her too deep that I didn’t only reach the flesh, but I also severed tendons and veins.
I told her I would be there for her until her scars healed, but I ended up adding a few of my own.
“Hey, Kolya.” My voice is lethargic, low.
“Yes, Boss.”
“Do you also believe I suffocated Lia?”
My second-in-command hesitates before touching the short blond hairs at his nape. “Honestly? I believe you suffocated each other.”
I face him. “How so?”
“You didn’t give her many choices and she retaliated by being cold and putting distance between you two. She did that to protect herself, I believe, but you’re not a patient person, so the situation kept mounting until we reached this phase.”
“You’ve had those beliefs all along?”
“Yes.”
“Then why haven’t you voiced them?”
“You didn’t ask for my opinion, so I didn’t see the need to give it.”
“I thought you’d be in Yan’s camp.”
“I am, partially. However, Yan can be reckless. Due to his friendship with Mrs. Volkov, he sometimes forgets about your character, Boss.”
“It’ll get him killed one day.”
“He just cares about her.”
“And you think I don’t?”
“Of course not. You just…show it differently.” Kolya pauses. “What do you plan to do about this situation?”
A long sigh leaves me as I study the pattern of the closed shutters through the glass. When the therapist said that Lia needs a change of habitat, an idea has been building in my head.
I hate it, but it may well be the only solution possible right now.
“I will let her be Winter.”
Kolya watches me intently as if I’ve grown a second head. “You…will?”
“It’s either that or I’ll lose her.”
“And how do you intend to go about that?”
“Do you still keep in touch with your colleague from the Spetsnaz who was excellent at disguise makeup?”
“Yes. What do you need him for?”
“Yan.”
“Yan?”
“Your colleague will disguise Yan so he can keep an eye on Lia.”
“He can’t keep an eye on her as he is?”
“No. She knows his face. It might remind her of me and complicate her state. He needs to look different and have another background.”
“What do you want him to be?”
“A homeless person. Put Lia in the shelter that’s under our protection and make sure to tell Richard that she’s to be treated with care, but hide her identity from him. He’s never met her before, so it shouldn’t be hard.”
“Boss, are you sure about this?”
“Yes, Kolya. I’ll let her believe the lie. If she wants to be Winter, so be it.”
Because sooner or later, her path will be a one-way road to me.
Adrian
A month later
It never gets any easier.
Not the part about watching from afar.
Or the part about going to an empty home without her.
Or the part where Jeremy asks me when his mother is coming back.
I tell myself it’s for her sake, for her mental health, and to kill whatever reason she had for jumping off the cliff.
I tell myself that she’ll remember me, that she’ll one day recognize Yan, then tell him to take her home.
Hasn’t happened so far.
If anything, she seems to be more invested in her fake life as Winter.
I hate that fucking name and the woman behind it who’s still comatose in my guest house. If Lia hadn’t met her, she wouldn’t have jumped off that cliff and we wouldn’t be here.
Though, it was probably only a matter of time before Lia attempted her escape. Meeting Winter was the last straw that broke the camel’s back, not the first.
What I hate the most about this situation are the conditions she’s living in. My Lenochka isn’t supposed to sleep in shelters or on the streets. She shouldn’t be wearing charity clothes and torn gloves.
She shouldn’t be homeless.
Her home is with me and Jeremy.
Every day, I battle the urge to whisk her up and take her with me, to drive her to our house where she was always meant to be.
Something stops me, though.
The change in her.
Unlike before, Lia’s often smiling now and even laughing with Yan—or Larry, as she knows him. Watching her interactions with him give me different urges, like strangling the life out of him.
I don’t like that she laughs with him yet doesn’t even remember me. I hate that she bonded with him in no time but had only panic attacks when I was by her side at the hospital.